I have had a break from writing for a few months, I think I needed a period of recovery after a difficult year.
We have just got back from holiday, and I was hoping I would return refreshed and firing on all cylinders. It hasn’t worked out like that. I still feel mentally jaded, I wanted to say I am still mentally exhausted, but that isn’t true I do feel better than I did. Afterall I am writing this blog, but I am still struggling to feel fully engaged with the world. I have to remember that I have been doing battle with my thoughts and feeling for months, so I should expect to still feel the effects of this. Giving myself the time and permission to recover at the pace I need, is much harder than it seems. All week I have felt flat and listless, I have tried my hardest to cover this up and be up beat. I finished my counselling last month, and I have been on a lovely holiday, so I shouldn’t feel like this. This morning I realised I was starting to fall into the trap I fell into earlier in the year when I was putting pressure on myself to get over the loss of my Mum. All I succeeding in doing then was make things worse, and make the pain from the grief more intense. My counsellor helped me stop fighting my emotions and understand them and reconcile them with who I am. That stopped the acute pain, I can now feel normal emotions without justifying them in the context of loss. It sounds strange but I can have a normal relationship with the memory of my Mum, I can laugh, cry, feel frustrated, angry, sad, and happy without feeling guilty.
The thing is, holding that relationship with my grief so tightly for so long and trying to control and constrain my thoughts and emotions is exhausting. I am not sure how I appreciated how exhausting it is. I have done all the right things to aid my recovery, I have rested and restored myself. However as usual I put a time limit on it, and told myself I would be firing on all cylinders when I got back from our holiday. It felt like I was hanging onto a cliff face by my fingers, desperately hanging on with all my energy to stop myself from falling, then with help from Lisa (my counsellor) I loosened my grip on the rocks and realised the ground was only inches away and all I had to do was trust myself and take a step. This morning I am resolved that I am nearly there but not quite, I need to give myself a little more time. That doesn’t mean I need to do less, I wont be going back on holiday or reducing what I do. What I will do is just accept that I will still feel jaded, and flat and not judge myself for this. I am not getting worse again, I am not suffering from a mental illness, this is not abnormal. I am just still recovering.
I have resolved to be more aware of the self-care I need. I stopped my daily journal when I was away, and I have not started it back up yet, so from tonight I will start populating my journal. I will continue to walk for at least an hour (continuously) every other day at least whilst listening to an audio book (I am currently listening to Wolf Hall). I will endeavour to write a blog every week. I will keep doing the things that make me happy and that just are just for me every day.
I have a tendency to over complicate and over think, which will often result in me frantically clinging on to cliff faces that are only inches of the ground. Rest and recovery is simple really when I pay attention to my thoughts and feelings, recognise and accept why I feel that way, allow myself to feel that way, and take action on activities that meet my values and bring me joy.
My message to myself and anyone that is struggling with thoughts and emotions, is don’t hold yourself too tightly, loosen your grip, allow yourself to feel those emotions, be gentle with yourself, it might take longer than you want to recover, you can’t rush it, it will take the time it takes.
Connected Coaching 