Day off…time to leave the pity party

It’s my day off today and in the spirit of my last blog over the weekend, I decided to spend the afternoon writing. It is just too warm to do anything else.

I am sat in the in our back room with the patio doors open, hoping a breeze will break out and cool me down. My original plan for today was to get up early go for a run, cut the hedges (front and back) and have a bit of chill out afternoon. I woke up at 6 and really could not face a run, my muscles were tired and it was already getting warm. I settled for doing half an hour core strength exercises, afterall as you get older you have to pay attention to your strength and conditioning, and I am a little flabby. I had a shower then went out for a lovely seven mile walk taking in the sites of East Yorkshire. The picture above was taken just outside Cottingham. As part of my walking routine (I try to go for a walk about 5 times a week, and try to get at least one run in a week) I listen to audiobooks. It is a wonderful way to escape to another world and walks are perfect for that. At the moment I am going through Tom Clancy’s Jack Ryan books. I read most of them when I was young, and I am really enjoying revisiting them, I am currently up to Executive Orders.

I really needed the walk today, I needed a couple of hours away from the real world. Work is very challenging at the moment (it often is when I write my blogs, to be fair that is the reason I right, to make sense of my world). At the moment everyone is feeling it, and I am questioning and doubting my leadership. Taking into account everyone’s circumstances and leading accordingly is I know almost impossible when the needs resulting from the circumstances compete with each other and external needs. It feels over the past couple of weeks I have not quite got the balance right, or that I am sensitive to friction that is caused when trying to balance everything. There are a lot of people that have very specific and complex needs due to what is happening for them, both inside and out of the team, that require my attention to a greater or lesser extent. I have had to make choices over what has got my attention, and that has to be based on my judgement. Working in healthcare all my adult life I am conditioned to prioritise patient safety above everything else. This is sometimes hard to identify now I work in a non-clinical role, and it is also hard sometimes to establish the impact our role has on patient safety, however in this case supporting the immediate well-being of front line staff so they can continue to provide care seems obvious. Therefore that has and always will take priority, with the continuity of our service coming next. However there is so much uncertainty in the system at the moment that this makes so many people and teams feel unsettled and in some cases unsafe, place personal uncertainty that we all face at different moments in our lives create high levels of stress for everyone, and this eventually shows up people’s behaviour. We are seeing this behaviour in teams right across the Group. Us in Organisational Development are tasked to support teams when this happens. The issue is that we work in the system and face the same uncertainties as everyone else. This past couple of weeks I have really noticed the behaviours showing up across the team, and that is why today in my downtime I have reflected on this, firstly by feeling sorry for myself and blaming everyone and everything for what is happening, even blaming my personal ineptness which is the the worst kind of coping out. I started this blog following the line that I am somehow less than and not up to leading a team when things get hard, and that people are just mean and horrible for making me feel this way. I was falling into the trap of thinking below the line, and finding comfort in helplessness. We all do it and sometimes we spend more time than is strictly necessary there. The truth is I am capable, it is no ones fault and no one is coming to help and take it off me. Therefore I have buck the fuck up and get on with being in charge, take responsibility for the work that is mine and hold others to account for the parts they need to play.

Yesterday I was irritated by people not making decisions or passing the buck. Some of the comments they made to me, really affected me, and that took me to the place I was in last night and this morning. That was because my bandwidth was narrow trying to manage and navigate what could be considered a volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous workload. Their comments arrived at the wrong time and I reacted rather than responded, creating the difficult emotions i have been feeling. I know they are experiencing similar situations and their reactions are as a result of the emotions that are racing through them. That is why I am glad I have been able to go for a walk, and write this blog to reflect on what has happened.

Effectively what I have done today as I have reflected is I have articulated the behaviours I have observed, worked through my thoughts and feelings about what I have observed and experienced and why it has had the impact on me it has. This has helped me take an emotional reaction and start to form a reasoned response. The uncertainty and complexity is still there, but I concentrate on what I can act on or influence. This weather is not helping everyone’s mood either, feeling constantly hot a sweaty, working in buildings that do not have adequate air conditioning saps your energy. What is helping today is writing this blog listening to one of my favourite albums on vinyl. An album form a band I recently rediscovered, probably one of the most underrated bands from the 70s, Supertramp and the album is (in my opinion their finest) Crme of The Century. If you have not listened to it, then I would encourage you to seek it out.

Still writing…(after 10 years)

In August I will have been writing this blog for 10 years! This morning when I woke up I did not realise it had been that long and that was not the subject I wanted to write about today. I lay awake this morning beating myself up about the level of procrastination I have over writing and the fact that I have two partially written novels and one partially written self-help book floating around in the cloud. I decided I was going to write about my personal frustration about writing and the limiting beliefs about my skill, creativity and self discipline, in the hope that it would push me into activity. I was also debating about whether I was going to go for a run this morning, as I had attempted to go yesterday. I had bought a new pair of shorts last week with a pocket for my phone (stick with me, this is relevant). I was concerned they were a little to large for me. This was confirmed very quickly as the phone and my keys bashed against my leg, I lasted a mile and called it a day. I know I could have got changed, but I am as mentioned previously a confidence runner and I just wasn’t feeling it. Therefore when I woke this morning I decided to do some exercise and then that was stir me into action.

I didn’t go for a run. I started my warm up, which morphed into weights and core strength exercises. I found myself in flow with the music so decided to keep going. Someone told me recently that as we get older we should spend more time doing strength exercises to help with muscle mass and our joints, and my back and knees have been creaking lately so it felt appropriate. I was in a world of my own headphones on listening to my writing and exercising playlist. This is the playlist I put together to inspire me to write my novel (Forget All Future Plans), sometimes I wonder how inspirational it is as it has been 3 years and I have only got 2 chapters written. But it is a cracking playlist of 90s and 00s indie classics, so it is great to exercise and write to (in fact I am listening to it now, Dry the Rain by the Beta Band is currently on). Anyway I was in the zone and feeling inspired. After I had finished my work out, I kept my headphones in made myself a coffee, picked up my laptop and decided to write about my lack of motivation and self-discipline when it comes to writing. As I wrote the title of the blog Still writing… I wondered to myself how long have you still been writing for Matt? I thought I had been writing my blog for about 10 years! This gave me a pause for thought.

When I started writing my blog I dreamt of becoming a successful Executive Coach, writer of leadership and a semi successful novelist. This website/blog was going to be the key to my success and fortune. Well that was a small part of it. In reality the most important reason for writing this blog was to give me a space to sort out what was and is going on inside my head, for me to make sense of my world and understand my mental health and well-being. At times what I was writing resonated with different people. I was hoping it would but it still came as a shock when people reached out to me. I also thought that writing would get rid of my depression (Foggy as I call him), it didn’t, he still lives rent free in my head, only he has his own room now and most of the time he is well behaved, just coming out now and again to fuck with me. He hates this blog by the way, he thinks it makes me look stupid. I do take his views into consideration, and I still do it. Quite alot of the blogs are a little self indulgent, but that is the point, and over the years I have been a little preachy, this is nearly always for my benefit so I wont apologise for that. If it annoys you don’t read it. The preaching is to remind me to get grip and sort my shit out.

I haven’t become a successful Executive Coach, I am not a novelist. I do write about leadership if anyone is interested in reading it they kind it on here. Maybe 1 out of 3 aint bad. I still coach I just dont coach outside of my day job anymore. To do it justice I would need to dedicate time to it and take the plunge and do it as my main job and I don’t have to courage to do that. I get to coach loads of lovely people in my job, so why take the risk. I am still and probably will until the end of my time on this planet be writing a novel. Will I ever finish it? I don’t know, if I am honest I am afraid to finish it, in case it is not good enough and people think I am stupid (That Foggy is in my head remember). It would be like pushing publish on my blog posts on steroids. If I do finish it, what would I do next. As I reflect on writing, the fact that after 10 years I am still writing is a triumph. The act of writing short blogs on a regular basis is hugely helpful to me, so along with writing that elusive novel I think I will keep it up. I am going to go and write some more of the novel now.

Happy Father’s Day

I woke up early on Friday morning to the sound of a baby crying. I had slept with the window open and the sound of the babies hungry protestations travelled from another nearby open window. The sound was not an unpleasant noise, in fact it sounded very familiar, it took me back to when my boys were babies and would wake us up early morning for a feed. My boys are 24 and 26 so it has been quite some time since I have heard a baby cry while I was waking. That got me thinking about how time has passed so fast since my boys were babies. It seems like yesterday I was waking in the middle of the night to feed and change them. I can remember the smell of their hair as I cuddled them, the satisfying gurgling noises they made as they were feeding. I can see and hear their joy as we played football and water fights in the garden as they grew. I remember the numbness that me and Lisa felt after we had dropped Jack off at University, travelling back to an empty home for the first time in silence. Then the feelings of pride we both felt at their graduations.

I remember my Mum on my wedding day saying to me that it felt like only yesterday that she was holding me as a baby. I was 26 when I got married, the same age as Ben. I dismissed it as my Mum being overly sentimental, which was a common trait of my Mum. My mum incidentally was 55 when I got married, which is the age I am now, as I sit here snivelling and getting overly sentimental writing about my past. Time as we get older does feel like it is going by quicker. When you have only been on the planet 2 decades, 10 years is half a life time and therefore a long time. 10 years when you are over 50 seems to go by in a blink of an eye.

I am so glad I spent a lot of time with Ben and Jack when they were younger. Whether that was taking them to football, playing in the garden or myself and Lisa volunteering for Scouting. Spending quality time with them was always our priority. Now as I reflect on how fast time has passed I am so grateful we did that. We have so many memories of them growing up. I don’t wish for time to go backward, like my Mum sometimes did but I do enjoy looking back and remember those precious memories we made. Last year we all went on holiday along with Liv, Ben’s partner, in fact this exact time last year, and it was such a precious time to be away with them creating more wonderful memories as a family. In my late teens and twenties life passed me by to greater extent and I did not really pay attention, therefore my memories of events are patchy at best. As a parent I paid attention from the moment they were born right up to them leaving home. That is the most important thing I did.

If you are a young parent, with careers and aspirations it is so important to maintain that balance to make sure you prioritise the most precious elements of your life and that is making the most of time you spend as a family, it doesn’t have to be fancy but it has to be full of love. It is worth the effort. You may be Nurse, Midwife, Doctor, Lawyer, Teacher, etc. The most important role you have is a Parent, so make the most of it, do your best, pay attention and enjoy every precious moment.

Happy Fathers Day!

Running, wobbles and goals

When I went to bed last night I was planning on going to Park Run for the first time in 10 years. I was inspired to return after such a long time after completing the Great Manchester Run last Sunday. I have always told myself that I am more of a solitary runner so I have always avoided running in company other than the Great Manchester Run, that I have done 4 times now. The thing is I am a confidence runner. What I mean by that is that I am not confident in myself at all. How I look, how I run and the speed I run. When I am with other runners I cannot help but compare myself to others. I am not fast enough, or fit enough. In my head Park Run is populated by fit active people, who are trying hard to be inclusive and welcoming, but secretly feel superior to all us earnest fatties and therefore puts me off immediately. Conversely at somewhere like Great Manchester Run I can put myself in the slowest wave and be surrounded by fellow tubbies and first timers (I am not a first timer but you get the picture), and not feel inadequate. However this time I found myself feeling more confident with my running and in fact ran the whole 10k, which is a first for me. I had never felt I was fit enough to run the whole distance and would walk sections of it. This year I ran the whole distance, this is because I run 5k 2 or 3 times a week now and I am two stone lighter than I was the last time I ran 10k. With this in mind I thought I would give Park Run a go this Saturday.

I logged into my Park Run account, to be fair I was astounded I managed to find it. It turns out is nearly 10 years to the day since the first and last time I attended. I downloaded the app and got my bar code. I worked out how I was going to get there as I don’t drive (that is the subject of another blog in the future). I went to bed last night with the intention of doing my second ever Park Run the next day. I woke up this morning and it was pissing down. Now I am not normally a fair weather runner but getting to the run involves quite a bit of walking, so would mean walking in the rain, getting on a bus, walking in the rain, standing in the rain, running in the rain, walking in the rain, waiting for a bus and then walking some more. No thanks. I looked at the forecast for tomorrow morning and at 8 am it is going to be fine so I am going to revert back to my usual routine of running by myself. I am away next weekend so will maybe try again the weekend after, I have downloaded the app after all. I know I chickened out, but I do prefer running by myself, although it would be nice to be a bit more sociable about it and meet new people.

Being more sociable when I am not at work is something I want to improve. I have noticed over recent years I have become more and more introverted. I used to be happy to chat with anyone, now I find myself avoiding people I have an acquaintance with, just so I do not have to engage in small talk, and there is no way I would start a conversation with someone I don’t know. I used to be very comfortable starting up conversations, now I only do it at work. I know I need to create more of a balance in my life so I do not use up all of my social energy at work. I think that I why I wanted to start going to Park Run to introduce a social element into an activity that I enjoy.

As I am writing this I am thinking that I cannot just write a blog telling you all that I was going to do something and then didn’t fancy it. That is not very satisfactory for a coach. However a lot of times we all plan to do something and then for whatever reason don’t fancy it and then don’t bother. The problem is that when we do that we just leave a niggle in the back of our mind, a small limiting thought can be left there to fester. To be honest that is why I have written this blog. I want to do something about this, I want to be more sociable in out of work situations.

Earlier in the week I had a bit of a wobble at work. I have been spending a quite sometime working out how we are going to work as a team to deliver development across the Group with a new approach and structure and on Tuesday I hit the wall, I momentarily ran out of steam, I had nothing left. I gave myself a moment (well most of the rest of the day) to feel sorry for myself and lick my wounds. The next day I was able to articulate what it is we are trying to achieve, by sitting with my values and creating meaning in our work. One of the things I noticed I need to take action on was to build strong relationships with all of my team. I am based on the North bank of the Humber and have known the team on the north bank well for a number of years. I have worked with the team based on the south bank for a couple of years now, and I have been their manager for 6 months. I do not know them well, and rarely spend time with them in the same location. With me not driving I do not visit our office on the south bank very often. As I had identified this situation as contributing to my wobble (I was not working with my values, especially connection) I have decided to rectify this. I set myself a goal of spending at least one day a week on the south bank to make myself available to the team and have a regular physical presence there. I set myself a timeframe of three months, to have it fully established. I spent a few minutes working through all the possibilities. I now have a plan to spend one day a week there from the week after next, with travel plans in place with the future goal of driving myself there by the autumn.

My point is when you have a niggle, it is time to rexamine your values again and create a goal that is aligned to your values to address that niggle. If the goal and the subsequent plan is congruent with your values you will achieve it.

Speaking confidently in public

You don’t have to be an extrovert to be able to speak confidently in public. You don’t need to have a loud voice, or have a dominant personality. I am an introverted, mumbling, beta male, who is always happy to blend into the background and let someone else take the limelight. However I am to speak confidently in front of people. I don’t use a voice coach, I don’t rely on power stances and visualisation. So how do I do it? It is quite simple really, I have spent a lot of time getting to know myself, what I know I can do, what I know I can’t do, and what is important to me. It is quite simple to describe, putting it into action is not so straightforward and requires practice. Let me talk you through the process.

Know what you value

I know I keep going on about values, but trust me this is the game changer. There are loads of values lists online. My go to list is the one by Brene Brown the link is below. https://brenebrown.com/workbook-art-pics-glossary/ Once you have opened the page download the values list. Start with picking the 10 values that resonate with you. Don’t overthink it at first. When you have ten go through that list with a more critical eye and reduce it by half. You now have 5 values, you can either stick with these or see if you can reduce it further to 2 or 3 core values. This exercise is worth repeating periodically as your values can shift over time as priorities in you life shift.

I find this exercise really useful as it creates a focus on you and how you see yourself and your world, something we rarely do. The process of getting down to your core values helps you understand yourself and your value as well as what you value. Understanding the value that you hold in the world is vital to recognise if you are going to show up authentically and speak with confidence. Knowing what you value helps you decide the importance of what you are talking about and why you are doing it. My values are: inner strength, compassion, connection, and love (yes I know I have 4, anything between 2 and 5 are useful), so when I am preparing for a team session or a meeting I use my values to create my motivation and my approach to what I am going to talk about and relate to my audience.

You don’t have to be right, you have to get it right

This is one of my favourite Brene Brown quotes. If we are not careful we start to attach who we are to what we do. This is often what stops people from speaking in public. The fear of getting things wrong, and you being viewed poorly is incredibly powerful. We have to remember though that we are not what we do. If we get things wrong it does not make us a lesser person, it means we go something wrong, we made a mistake. We can acknowledge what we did learn from it and change what we do. There are plenty of times when I forget what I am supposed to say or get it wrong. I have accepted that, this is inevitable and what I do next is more important. If I notice what has happened I acknowledge and make the right correction. If it is fedback to me later I will make the appropriate corrections for next time (obviously after I have had a bit of a sulk first). My point is you are not going to be right all of the time and if you think you are, you are probably wrong more often than you are right, becuase you are just not learning and growing. It is more important to be open to the fact that you might be wrong and want to get it right in the future. Even if you are up there speaking as an expert does not mean that you are going to be right all of the time.

Performance is variable

As well as being occasionally wrong your performance is variable, and you are not always going to be on top form, for a variety of reasons. Accept this and mitigate for this. Before the event or meeting, manage your personal environment to create the best conditions for you to perform the best you possibly can. I make sure I have written my notes (I like to have a teaching plan in a table format), if I am using slides I make sure they have the right amount of information and in the format I like. I make sure I know the subject I am talking about and have all the resources I need. I like to get to the venue in plenty of time and arrange the room how I want it. I find it helpful for me to control the environment by setting it myself, other people like to turn up and have everything sorted for them. It is important to find your routine that suites you. If I am feeling unwell or a little stressed I acknowledge that this particular session will not be my best, but it will be the best it can be. I am always nervous before I speak to an audience. I always get butterflies and my hands always get sweaty, and I always have half a dozen nervous wees before I start. I see the nerves as necessary, it tells me that how I perform matters to me and that what I am doing is important and it is worth being nervous for. I allow my nerves to be there before the event I don’t try to push them away, I give them their airtime and then when it is time to start they disappear. That whole routine to maximise performance is acknowledging the importance of nerves and gives them a purpose and allows them to be used up.

That is how to speak with confidence in public. Basically be comfortable with who you are, own it, know your and understand the subject you are talking about and just flippin do it. It takes practice but it pays off in the long run. If you want to gain more confidence public speaking get in touch. You can contact me via the platform you have read this on, or email me.

Football my boys and me

Firstly I realise that some people that read blogs via wordpress are based in the US, so when I write football, I am writing about soccer.

Football has only relatively recently become a part of my life, when I was growing up I only paid attention to the FA Cup and and World Cup. In fact sport in total played a bit part in my life. Sport was a male dominated past-time in the 1970s and 80s. My Mum and Sister had little interest in sport and as they provided the most input in my life when I was growing up then it goes without saying that sport did not hold a lot of interest for me. My Dad was absent for most of my childhood and my brother is 10 years older than me and was busy leading his own life. Saying that neither my Dad or Brother were particularly interested in sport anyway. I was also fat and considered myself no good at sport which was enthusiastically reinforced by my peers in their feedback on my ability at playing football. However due to my size I was passable at Rugby (as a prop forward and later a second row). My skill was limited to my ability to lean on people and push them over, and basically if you were interested in playing Rugby at our school you were in the team. I hated playing Rugby it was painful and most people that played beyond our school team were very unpleasant (far too much testosterone), but I felt the need to play a sport to attempt to fit in and show my Dad I could be macho and get his approval. It was a pointless activity as he was not interested in whether I sporty or not. I think he had given up on me being macho a few years previously when I had dropped out of being a Royal Marine Cadet on account of me not being able to swim and terrified of everything they did and everyone else that was there.

When I left school and came to Hull I stopped playing sport and returned to having a passing interest, and only occasionally attempted to appear macho. I was a student nurse after all that was interested in Music, and the only macho past-time I was interested in was chasing girls. I was not really interested in watching football or rugby. I went to one professional football match when I was student nurse and a handful of ruby matches (I was living in Hull which is Rugby League country). I realised quite quickly that I found rugby more baffling to watch than football. In fact to this day I really struggle to watch rugby, then again I never really understood it when I played it. Basically it a lot of running around leaning on people and falling over, which is all very tedious. I didn’t mind watching football on the TV if it was on or if it was the FA Cup or World Cup and then later the Euros (from 96 onwards), and I quite enjoyed the spectacle.

When we had our children my relationship to football changed, and it was more to do with Lisa than me. Lisa wanted to make sure our children were socialised properly and fitted in at school. She wanted them to have a wide friendship cirlce. We both wanted our children to be socially successful above everything else. For us having a strong social network is really important. As I have mentioned before one of my core values is connection and I would suggest that a strong value for Lisa is belonging as well as connection. With that in mind Ben and Jack both played sport at school and at clubs. They both joined football teams and became successful members of those teams. In that I mean they played at the right level for their ability and consequently enjoyed playing and built friendships. Lisa also wanted me to take them to football matches so we started going to the odd Hull City game in the 2006/07 season and 2007/08 season (the latter being the promotion to Premier League season). We both felt they were too young to go to the play off final in Wembley. Full disclosure I went with my friends and had a great time, even though I missed Dean Windass’s goal. It wasn’t because I had gone to the toilet or anything. I had momentarily drifted off and was day dreaming about something (I was still getting into football and clearly I did not have the same amout of emotional history as lots of other people there). The next season (2008/09) was our first full season as a family (myself, Ben and Jack). They were hooked and have been fans ever since. It was our time together every other week (more or less) it was so special, and something I never had as a child. I am so grateful that Lisa encouraged that to happen, I could be the Dad I wanted to be. We had an amazing time topped off with two more trips to Wembley for the FA Cup semi final and final. When Ben was 16 he drifted from the football (more accurately he drifted from me) and wanted to do his own thing instead of going to football with his Dad and little brother. So it was just me and Jack at Wembley for the 2016 play off final. Then Jack started to get to an age when he didn’t really want to go with his Dad and we stopped going. Jack and Ben went to the odd away game with friends and then they both went away to Uni. They still both went to away games and kept their passion for City.

After University Jack moved back home, and we started going to the odd the game together again. This season I asked him if he wanted a membership again so we could go more often. So we did, and what a wonderful season it has been. Completely unexpected, we all thought that a mid-table finish would be an a great success. Most importantly I cherish the Saturday afternoons I have with Jack. Now we have a game another final at Wembley to look forward too and Ben is going to be with us. I am looking forward more to spending the whole day with both of them more than the football. I love watching football now, but the best bit about football is the time I get to spend with my boys, and the text conversations with have.

That is why spectator sports are so important in our society, especially for men. It creates a connection a space where you can express your emotions without feeling out of place. A place where you can talk without really talking. For me it is something that I can share with Ben and Jack, something that will always be ours. It is place and something that can hold so many different meanings for so many people.

UTT

Forget All Future Plans, Episode 4: Recovery

John spent the next week in bed. Day 5 was his worst day. He actually thought he would need to be admitted, but he didn’t get any worse so stayed in his bedroom. With the new rules that were enforced everyone in the house had to stay in the house for 7 days if you had the symptoms first and 14 days for everyone else in the house. This had ruined Helen’s plans for two weeks. She had managed to work out of the spare room, doing telephone appointments and co-ordinating the clinics. Neither Helen or Tobey ended up getting sick. John was sick for 2 weeks in total.

John had a shock when he returned to work, Sanjay had been admitted to ICU, and his wife Rupal had been admitted onto the infectious diseases ward. His daughters were being cared for by his sister. It was uncertain if Sanjay would make it. That really knocked John, he could not comprehend that Sanjay could be that sick, he ran marathons for fucks sake.

Debbie who worked in his team had gone on maternity leave whilst he had been off, so the team had been heavily depleted. This was going to be a really hard few months with just him, Amanda and Phillipa.

Helen had thrown herself back into work after a long 2 weeks working from home. She was successfully running 2 satellite clinics a week and running telephone clinics. The team was working really hard and being as flexible as they could be to keep things running.

The next few months were a whirlwind for both Helen and John. John spent a lot of his time doing staff support drop-ins, in the canteen of the main hospital giving away hand creams and being a sympathetic ear. He was also picking up referrals for one to one conversations, the majority of these were delivered virtually. By May John was also delivering leadership training online.

As summer approached the country started to open up, as pubs and restaurants opened. Both John and Helen were not sure of the wisdom of this, having had firsthand experience of the disease. Sanjay was still in hospital but luckily had recovered enough to be moved to the infectious diseases ward, Rupal had been discharged, but was struggling with long-covid. Her sister in-law had moved in with her to help her look after the girls.

Debbie had a little girl called Esme, John thought that was a stupid name but as Helen pointed out, he was a grumpy old git, especially since his episode of covid. The aftereffects of covid were still lingering with John well over a month after he had it. He was regularly breathless, struggled to concentrate and had intense short-lasting headaches, that made him quite short-tempered. Despite that John, Helen and Tobey were getting on well living together. Helen was very conscious of how she could be quite demanding, so was making a conscious effort to listen to both John’s and Tobey’s point of view. John was clear that he wanted everyone to have their own space in the house, and that any niggles were discussed and ironed out before they became big issues. Tobey was more than happy, that he was included in decisions made in the house and his opinion was heard. The only thing that got on his nerves was his Dad’s questionable taste in music, particularly his recent obsession with Nick Drake, and his insistence on playing Pink Moon on vinyl every Sunday morning. Both Tobey and Helen hated Nick Drake and in particular that album. He felt there needed to be an intervention on this soon.

I didn’t want to run today, but I did anyway

As you all know I have been preparing for the Great Manchester Run in a couple of weeks. This morning was a scheduled run (I try to get out for a run at minimum twice a week. This morning I really did not fancy it, I woke up about 6am and felt shattered, my muscles felt fatigued and I just felt completely unmotivated to get out up. I lay in bed for another hour, hoping I would drop off to sleep for a bit longer. No chance, I find it impossible to lay in nowadays. Eventually I got up, I put my running gear on, even though I was not convinced I would actually leave the house today. I came downstairs, and had my usual pre-run banana and glass of water. I still did not feel up for it. I told myself I would go through my warm up and see what happens. I spent longer than I normally would warming up. I just had no energy. Lisa got up and I went through into the kitchen to talk to her, another distraction technique. I said to her I was deliberately taking my time to warm up to delay starting my run. She simply said “you will feel better for it, if you go…”

That was enough to get me out of the door. I put my earphones in set, my playlist, started Strava and set off on my usual route. As usual the first mile felt like a struggle and took forever. Normally I forget about the next mile as it just goes by without noticing. Not today, it seemed to take for ever. It was not hurting anymore than usual, it just seemed endless. The split was slower than normal and that is why it felt like a struggle without being painful, as my effort was not as high as it would normally be. The third mile as normal started to burn my muscles and there was a point halfway through that mile when I could have easily stopped. I asked myself why I was out running at 8am on a Sunday morning. I started thinking about the last half mile of the Great Manchester Run and the emotions I feel as I run up to Deansgate, running for Mum. I looked to the sky told Mum I loved her and the pain and fatigue fell away. I started to smile, as I thought about Mum cheering me on. Then I got thinking about Ben and Jack, after spending Friday evening with Jack at the Championship play-off semi-final and having such a lovely time with him and looking forward to Ben coming home in a couple of weeks and hopefully the 3 of us going to Wembley to see Hull City in the play-off final. Now I was full of joy and new why I was running. To honour the love that Mum gave me and how that shows up in the love I have for my boys and cherishing every special moment I have with them. Running the GMR is all about love for me, and after missing it last year, is something I am determined to run whilst I am able.

I re-looked at my core values at the end of the year, as I was feeling a little lost. In fact I wrote a blog about it. The reason I bring it up is that one of my core values is love, and it is love that is motivating me. It is love that moved me into action this morning, when I would have happily stayed in and watched Match of The Day on TV. It was love that kept me running when I was out and I really fancied walking the last half mile. It is so important to understand what your core values are at different times in your life. It helps you understand why you think and feel the way you do about the events in your life and can help you make decisions that are right for you.

I am still feeling a little lost and uncertain about my life at the moment, that being a culmination of work and my age I think. Connecting with my values and what is important to me are helping me make sense of the emotions I am feeling. Love at home is the major driving for my feelings at the moment. The love I feel from my sons is so important to me, and that is because of the grief I feel for the lack of a loving relationship I had with my Dad. Myself and Lisa both view parenthood in the same way and it is so important to us that our boys feel loved will always have both of us cheering them on no matter what. We are and always will be their biggest fans, just like my Mum was mine.

My other 3 core values at the moment are compassion, inner strength and connection. They drive me forward everyday, and sometimes they have not always been present, and that is sometimes when I witness a lack of compassion and connection at work. The NHS as ever is a challenging place to work, at present our organisation is going through a lot of change and compassion and connection for a number of our senior leaders and others around the hospitals is not always showing up. This can make work for me very challenging. I have started looking at where I able to show up with these values to balance out what I am witnessing. Meeting with my team either in a group or one to one is so important for my mental health to ensure we are connecting and showing up in a compassionate way towards each other and the teams we are working with. Over the past couple of weeks I have been coaching a few people and that has certainly helped me live up to connection, and compassion. I think inner strength is something I have to remind myself that I am showing. I definitely notice when I have not shown inner strength recently and avoided situations or my feelings, and that has been a reason why I have been so lost I think. Digging deep and responding to the difficult emotions I have been feeling are starting to make a difference. I will admit though that it is not always easy and sometimes I will shy away as the thoughts and feelings I am having are too painful. However I have been revisiting those feelings when I have the energy, which is new.

I have been writing about living a values led life for a few years now. What I have noticed is that our values are not fixed and will shift as our life shifts. I have also noticed that leading a values led life takes work and it is not something you pay attention to once. It is vital to pay attention and re look at your values and make sure you are not drifting away from them too far.

Episode 3: The Cough

The next morning Helen went into work with renewed energy to face whatever the day threw at her. John went into the office too. Today they were going to be looking for spaces where they could provide drop-in support alongside the chaplains, so he would be spending the morning scoping out venues. His gut feeling was that the canteens were going to be the best places as well as the Chapel. In the afternoon he was going to be picking up self-referrals for their online staff support offer. There was beginning to be a trickle coming through. He also wanted to check in with some old colleagues on Paediatrics to see how it was up there. To be honest it was only a few days into the lockdown but things did not seem as catastrophic as they could have been. Medical elderly were  being hit fairly hard with a lot of deaths, as was the infectious diseases ward. Hearing that these areas were struggling was giving him some ideas about how they could provide support.

Halfway through the day he had a phonecall from Sanjay, he was coughing. Oh no John thought. “John, I am not coming into work, I feel really ill. I think I might have it, my temperature is up, and I keep coughing.” John was really concerned as Sanjay sounded dreadful. “Oh no Sanjay, you don’t sound well at all. Is Rupal with you? Is she OK?”

“Yes she is at home, and seems to be ok, the girls both seem to be ok too.” “That’s good Sanjay, it sounds like you need to get to bed and rest. Do you want me to speak to Amanda, or have you spoken to her?”

Still coughing Sanjay replies “Yes I rang her before I rang you. I am just worried because we were together all day the other day so I just want to let you know so you can just be vigilant for any symptoms.”

“Thank you, Sanjay, you are such a lovely man, I will be vigilant. You take care and let Rupal fuss you.”

“Will do mate, speak soon, bye.”

“Take care mate.”

John ended the call and got back to his computer looking through the referrals. This meant he was going to be really busy picking up Sanjay’s work. He knew it was selfish to think that, but he wouldn’t be sharing those thoughts with anyone other than Helen this evening. He phone started ringing again, it was Amanda, no doubt to give him the news and ask him to take on more work.

That was exactly what Amanda wanted, plus she wanted him to to start looking at how we could offer some leadership development training online that would support leaders with what they were facing. He saw there was no referrals that he needed to pick up so he spent the rest of the afternoon starting to plan this. He would also enlist the help of Phillipa who worked with Sanjay.

As the afternoon went on he started to feel hot. He said to himself he was being overly dramatic. Then he started to cough, a dry irritating cough. Bollocks he thought, bollocks! The best thing he could do was pack up his laptop and set off home. He rung Amanda first, to let her know what he was doing but reassured her that he was feeling ok so could continue to work from home. He then thought about Helen. He knew that it might be wise for Helen to move back to her own house, so she wouldn’t get it. But then again she might have it already. The only thing he could do was let her know and give her a choice. Tobey could stay with him, he rarely spent longer than a few minutes in his presence. They had separate bathrooms so it could be manageable. To be fair Helen could stay as she could use the spare bedroom and he could work in his bedroom. That would mean he would have to stay in there. It might be best if Helen went back to her house. But then what if he got poorly, who would look after Tobey. He could go back to Angie, but he would resist that, plus Angie is working in ICU and that might not be wise. This is a fucking nightmare.

He rung Helen on his drive home, he was coughing so much that she guessed what was wrong when she picked up. “Oh no John, how are you feeling?”

“Warm and irritated but not unwell. The question is what are you going to do. Shall we separate again to make sure you don’t get it?”

“I could have it already, plus what if you get poorly, who is going to care for you and look after Tobey. No I will just move into the spare room to reduce the risks of catching it.”

“I am so happy you said that. I will take my office stuff out of there when I get home. See you this evening, I love you.”

“See you later my love, don’t over do it.” Helen wasn’t convinced he would be working from home. She had heard from people who had already had it, and most of them were too poorly to do anything, even those with a mild illness. She was so glad that she had not been asked to go to ICU in the end. She had always thought it was a stupid idea, with her being the most senior nurse in the diabetes team. Saying that, her team was severely depleted and how would the service run if she got sick, especially this early on in the crisis when they are trying to set everything up. Helen decided there was nothing she could do about that right now. She was feeling well now, so lets just get cracking with what she needed to do.

After hanging up with Helen, John called Tobey. “Hi Tobes.” He exclaimed trying to suppress a cough.

“Are you alright Dad? You don’t normally ring during the day.” Tobey was bemused and a little worried why his Dad was ringing him.

“I am OK…” he couldn’t suppress the cough any longer. It took him a minute to stop, before he could start talking again. Tobey filled the gap.

“Have you got it?”

“Yeah I think I might have. I am on my way home now. I am going to try to keep out of your way to try to reduce your exposure. So when I come in don’t come and greet me, not that your normally do, but just in case stay in your room.”

“No worries, do you want me to cook tea? Or is Helen coming back here?”

“Bless you, no Helen will be home later. Unless you want to do something of course, but there is no expectation. I will be in, in a second, just pulling on to the drive.”

“Ok, speak to you in a sec.”

Later that evening John started to feel quite ill. His cough was getting worse and his temperature was up. It ached all over and could not get comfortable. He didn’t want to eat anything, the persistent coughing made him feel sick. He slept fitfully all night.

Forget All Future Plans, Episode 2: The Address

Helen was planning on spending the week at her flat, so on Monday morning Helen kissed John goodbye, telling him she would ring this evening.  John was in the office this morning, it was his first day back in old team. He was getting handover from Amanda (his boss) and Sanjay (his colleague)who had remained in OD during his short lived redeployment to the HR helpdesk. They started to make plans on what they would be doing with regards supporting the staff, alongside the chaplaincy service. They also created a rota for the office space. Although to be fair there was not going to be much time spent in the office. When they were onsite at either hospital they would be running drop-ins for staff and not in the office. The office would just be used as a base and a place to hold one to ones. John would be working at the drop in on Tuesday and Thursday this week, so working from home Wednesday and Friday, and Monday afternoon, once he had collected his display screen and keyboard to go with his laptop. John would also be available, over the phone for telephone clinics on the days when he is working from home. They were also working through how staff can access video messaging. The trust has access to MS teams so John had agreed to trial this for staff support 1:1 online. John was sceptical about how this would work. Knowing how difficult he found talking to distressed staff over the phone. It was agreed that Amanda would pull together a meeting with all those involved in staff support to look at how this would work and how all those delivering this support would be getting their supervision.

John went home at lunchtime after collecting all his equipment. Tobey was up in his bedroom. John just popped his head in and Tobey looked up from his desk, and gave him a wave. John asked him if he had, had lunch. He said no, so they had lunch together before going back to work. John gave Debbie a phone call. Debbie works in the OD team and reports to him. She has been working from home for a couple of weeks now, as she is heavily pregnant and goes on maternity leave next month. He just wanted to check in, as he had not managed to speak to her since he had been redeployed. They had a 20 minute conversation, most of it social, just making sure she was ok, they spent about 5 minutes talking through what they had plans for and what the team wanted Debbie to continue and what extra they wanted her to do. John felt social conversations were a vital part of leading teams, especially when the member of staff is working remotely and is feeling vulnerable as Debbie was. He wanted to make sure that she felt safe and cared for. Debbie was a delicate soul at the best of time, so always needed plenty of reassurance without being patronised. This was especially the case now, as she was stuck at home wondering if she was going to keep herself and her unborn child safe. John had  talked to dozens of pregnant staff when he was on the help desk, so he knew how confusing and scary it was for them all after spending ages reading the often contradictory and ever changing guidance from different sources, and trying to relay the best possible advice to them and trying to keep them calm.

John spent the rest of the afternoon setting up his work-station in his spare bedroom/home office, and starting to write the SOPs (Standard Operating Procedures) for the delivery of staff support as well as making contact with his colleagues around the region.  Just as he was finishing his best friend Steve messaged him, asking if he was free to talk. Steve is a CEO of a local social enterprise charity. Like John he used to be a nurse and had trained at the same time as John, as did Emma his wife who is a Midwifery Sister. The 4 of them John and Angie, and Steve and Emma were thick as thieves. Emma is still good friends with Angie and has a love hate relationship with John, she thinks he is lovely guy who makes terrible choices. Which up until recently is a fairly accurate assessment. Emma does get on well with Helen and is hopeful that John is starting to sort his life out.

John rang Steve, Steve was clearly stressed. He was frantically trying to keep all those around him calm and trying to co-ordinate appropriate support across the city with the council and other charities. It was chaos, they were waiting for more guidance and direction from the government. On top of that Emma was beside herself with the lack of a sense of urgency in Midwifery, with regards to risks to staff and the Mums with no thought to how they would manage outpatients and community care, and that her Mum and Dad live in Spain, she was worried about their safety and terrified that they would never see them again. Steve had heard that Boris was making an announcement tonight and that it would be a stay at home order. John had not heard anything. He was sort of expecting it but to be fair had put that to the back of his mind, he like Steve had other things on his mind. Now he was wondering what that meant? How would he see his Dad, what about Helen? Then he started thinking about Mark his older brother who lived in Australia. Would they ever see Dad again? Australia had already closed it’s border, but he had not really thought much about it, neither had his Dad. Well he hadn’t mentioned it. John was starting to get worried now. He hadn’t really thought about himself and the impact it would have on him.

John had so many thoughts running through his head now. About Dad, Helen, Mark, his sister Rachael, Angie, and Tobey. What is going to happen, how are they all going to stay connected? What if his dad died, he wasn’t ready for that, he had so much to catch up on, so much to say that needed saying. What if Mark never saw him again? John was starting to feel overwhelmed, tears started to roll down his cheeks. He messaged Helen and asked her to come round tonight.

That evening John and Helen were sat watching the Prime Ministers address. They sat and stared at the TV in shock. Their life had just been turned upside down. If they lived in different houses (like they do now) they would not be allowed to see each other. John and Racheal would have to decide if Patrick was in a bubble with John or Racheal, and then the other one would not be able to see him until the rules were relaxed. Tobey could still move between John’s and Angie’s but he would need to talk to Angie to see how that will work. He has heard that Angie was being redeployed to ICU. John’s mind was spinning, with what to do next.

John and Helen sat there and held each other, the thought of not being able to do this for months filled him with dread. Were they ready to live together though? This wasn’t like being on holiday, this would be life warts and all with a surly teenager in tow, who craves independence and contact with his mates. It will not be a walk in the park, and something not to be entered into lightly. But they had tonight to make a decision. Tonight was going to be a long night. First he needed to ring Rachael and Patrick to decide who was going to be in Patrick’s bubble. As John and Helen work in the hospital and there is a chance that Helen might have to work in ICU, he was worried that would put Patrick at risk, so if Helen was going to move in with him then Patrick should go in a bubble with Rachael who worked as a Health Visitor manager and no longer had contact with patients and was now working from home full-time. Sam her husband is a marketing manager and no doubt would also be working from home after tonight. It just made sense for Patrick to pair up with them, rather than John. It broke his heart thinking that he might never see him in the flesh again. He realised this was a complete over reaction, but he could not help himself. Both Rachael and Patrick were in complete agreement with the plan. Helen was worried about moving in with him, but like John could not imagine not seeing each other every week. The prospect of no sex for potentially months was unbearable for John and Helen. In the end this clinched it, they loved each other passionately and the physical part of it was an essential element. They would need some very strict ground rules on how their relationship would proceed. They both agreed that they would have to maintain their own space. John’s house had 4 bedrooms so Helen would have a bedroom for herself, a bolt hole for her somewhere where she could gather her thoughts and escape from the world. John would use one as an office, Tobey has his own room, and John and Helen have their bedroom. They were very conscious that Tobey lived in the house too, and Helen insisted that Tobey was involved in the conversation, and he had to agree before Helen moved in. As expected Tobey agreed, in fact he was overjoyed, he loved Helen, loved having her around, she kept things calm and she was a wonderful cook.

Helen thought she would be staying the night so had brought some work clothes. She was happy to stay at John’s but nervous about whether they would get fed up with each other. She knows how intense she can get especially when under pressure and she needs how much John avoids difficult situations, even though he thinks he tackles life full on. He doesn’t, when life gets really tough he becomes very introspective, and looks for things to make him happy rather than confronting what is difficult, hence a series of failed relationships. She knows she can be difficult to live with and her intensity can be too much. Naresh (her ex-husband) sited that as the reason why he had an affair, to escape from the smothering intensity. She thought he was a cheating arsehole trying to blame her for his infidelity, but it did trouble her, she knew it was an issue. Naresh wasn’t the first man to accuse her of being smothering and high maintenance. So far she has been able to manage this with John as she could find her own space by going back to her house. What was different this time was that they both talked about their frailties and shortcomings. They trusted each other enough to share the more problematic aspects of their personalities. They loved each other, but their love had never been tested to the limit. Then again whose had? These next few months were definitely going to test most people’s relationships. All she knew was right now the prospect of having no physical contact with John for God knows how long was unthinkable. It was worth taking the risk. She would go and collect her things after work and move in.