Practice Shifting Your Perspective

Earlier in the week I wrote this blog for my work page. Look at the world from a different point of view is something people often suggest, but is always easier to say than put in to practice. So here is my offer of an approach that may help if not a little strange.

As a coach I talk and write about shifting our perspectives and reframing what is happening to us, and sometimes (ironically) I forget to see it from the perspective of people that are not used to seeing the world from another angle. How bad is that! A perspective shifter failing to shift his perspective. I suppose that is the point really. Shifting our perspective is not a default reflex therefore it requires a conscious effort.

That is a shame as shifting our point of view is more important now than ever before. It is so hard to get stuck in a negative, unhelpful frame of mind at the moment with little to give us obvious joy. That is if we look at life they way we always have looked at life. Our cultural reference points have been shifted and mangled. For instance the current obsession with Christmas and this longing for everything to go back to the way it was. This generally makes us sad as we know it will not be as it was. Hence why looking at the world through a different lens can be more helpful, by help us seek joy from other, often unrecognised parts of our world. 

So how do we make shifting our perspectives easier? Well it is quite straight forward although it does require positive action for it to become a muscle memory and more easily accessed.

Now you might think this slightly insane, but it does work, I do these exercises on a regular basis and they help me shift from my default view to an alternative. 

Make Slight Adjustments to Your Routine

Start with the beginning of your day. Where do you eat your breakfast? At the table? At a breakfast bar? On the sofa? In Bed? Well every other day just change the venue slightly, sit in a different position in the room, and just take a moment to look around you and notice how everything looks different. 

Then move on to work. Can you take slightly different route to work? Can you take the stairs instead of the lift? 

In every part of your life what can you do slightly differently, and always have a look around you and see what the world looks like, as opposed to what you always see.

View The World From A Different Angle

This might seem strange, but if you have ever been on one of my coaching courses I may have asked you to do this. 

This is best done at home as it might be considered unprofessional to do this at work. Pick a room that you spend a lot of time in, the first instance. Then find a space big enough and lay down on the floor facing the ceiling. I told you it seems a little mad but trust me it works. It helps you practice shifting your perspective. When you are on the floor look around your room. Notice the cobwebs you have missed, notice how your furniture and decor looks from this angle, look through the door and see how the rest of the house looks. You will notice things about your house that you have never noticed before. Repeat this around your house and in the garden if you dare.

Both of these activities help you notice what goes unnoticed when we carry on with our lives the same way everyday. Shifting our perspective can open up new opportunities and can help us see what is important and what is not, what we can control and what we cannot. 

The Key is Practice, Practice, Practice

Having agility in perspective taking is a habit and as with all habits, they are formed by creating new neural pathways. Neural pathways are just like paths through woods and fields, they start by you walking one way, and become formed and established through repeated use.

Creation of a habit takes practice, takes a commitment to stray off your well worn path and start a new one. So by consciously, and deliberately changing your routine and noticing the difference or changing your physical position in a room and taking in the new view you start to establish a new path and each time you do it, it becomes slightly easier to appreciate a different view point.

Eventually you start to notice when you have an entrenched or narrow view and it becomes easier to consider and look at any issue from another angle. Life is never as bad as it can seem, and conversely life might not be as good as you like it.

Perspective Taking Improves Resilience

Seeing the world from different views develops a realistic view of the world around you and reducing the risk of you missing something vital that may pose and opportunity or risk.

Now I am not saying you will always see everything, but opening yourself up to the possibility of an alternative view, gives you the opportunity to hear others perspectives and learn from them.

If we stick to one point of view we can miss so much, and fail to hear what is really happening in our world.

Doing something that appears silly can in the long run have a serious impact on how you lead your life, team and even your business.

If you want to explore more about how to shift your view and create a more cognitively diverse approach to your life and work then please drop me a line via matt@mattycoach71.com

Listening to Gain Perspective

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels.com

On a daily basis I find myself getting annoyed, frustrated, irritated, sad, and disheartened. After the conversations I have had with people over the past couple of weeks I have realised I am not alone in feeling like this. These feelings appear to be fairly universal but for very different reasons.

I find myself frustrated because people don’t follow social distancing, wear masks, etc. etc… you get my drift. I also get frustrated by the lockdown restrictions being woolly, and people seeing them in the same way some people see tax laws (constantly looking for loopholes). Now there will be plenty of you that agree with everything I have just said, some of you will agree with some of what I said and there will be others that agree with nothing that I have said. We are all getting fed up and frustrated but not for the same reasons. Our emotions are very particular to us. What triggers out emotions is how we view the world and what we value. If we are not careful we can get entrenched in those views of the world and fail to see that there may be flaws in what we are seeing. If we consider ourselves to be right, we stop listening and we stop learning, and more importantly we fuel all those unhelpful, destructive emotions.

I sense this is what has been happening to me lately, more and more so, to be fair it sort of creeps up on us all. We think we are fair minded and on the side of good, and that is where the trouble starts. If we are on the side of good, then the others are on the side of bad. If there is a right, then there is a wrong. I imagine if I asked everyone reading this if they were on the side of good, and were right minded, then the vast majority of you all would answer in the affirmative. Not all of you however will have the same viewpoints on how to manage, a pandemic, whether to leave Europe or not, Hull FC or Hull KR, or whether a Pattie should be battered or covered in breadcrumbs. See we can all have a different viewpoint and be on the side of good. Sorry I got distracted by a pattie then, so that is where my trouble started I started to believe my view of the world is the correct one. I started to feel smug and self-righteous, about how people should behave and respond, without attempting to understand why people might be responding and behaving the way they are. I then start getting angry and frustrated over something I have no control over. I found myself expending far too much energy shouting at the TV, tutting at Facebook and rolling my eyes on the bus. It was during one of those moments that I realised that this was pointless and was starting to impact on my well-being. As I was having this existential awakening (again, I have a word with myself on a regular basis, I am what is commonly known as ‘a work in progress’) I thought of a phrase I have been quoted a lot lately, by my go to Oracle, the fabulous Brene Brown…” everyone is doing their best.”

So what if everyone is doing their best with what they know and understand, and I am no different or no more informed on the world around me than they are. You know what sometimes when you see yourself in context it hurts, it is a bit like catching a glimpse of yourself in a mirror. It came as a bit of a shock. I asked myself what if instead of immediately rushing to judgement the next time I witnessed something that I disagreed with I try to understand? What if I listened and observed what was happening? What if we all did that, how much would we truly learn about the world around us. By listening to and understanding each other, we may all start to learn and realise all of our best can be better.

This is a challenging time, which is made all the more challenging by polarised viewpoints. Getting angry with someone because they are not wearing a mask, will not help them understand why you think wearing a mask is important. Being annoyed by people telling you how to live your life is not going to improve your or theirs well-being.

Feeling a Bit Daft

  I was watching the new Amazon Christmas advert the other night. Well I suppose watching is a bit strong, it came on when I was watching my pandemic obsession that is Channel 4 News. As the advert progressed and the music started playing and the ballet dancer started dancing I started crying, in fact I can feel myself welling up just thinking about it. I found myself crying at someone holding a really powerful torch to light up a  young girl dance to Swan Lake on the roof of building in the snow. So you can safely say I felt daft. For some reason the emotions got the better of me. 

Now those of you that know me, know that I am an emotional soul, but it normally takes more than an advert for a powerful torch to get my eyes leaking. I have found myself having moments of melancholy spontaneously. Some days I just feel a bit sad, most of the time it passes and sometimes I get emotional and feel daft. I find myself telling myself to pull myself together, after all I am a coach and talk to people about this stuff all the time, so I should at least be able to practice what I preach. 

I do all of the stuff that I talk about in my blogs, and that is the point I suppose, I always end up reminding myself that I am human, and need help and support from time to time. 

I was talking to someone the other day who said they had days where they just felt sad, and all they wanted to do was go home and put their head under the duvet and shut the world out. Like me they said there was not just one thing that they could point to the cause of this. For me at that moment I am so grateful that they had shared that,  as I had felt exactly the same, so we sat talked about what is going on in our world and how strange and familiar everything is. As if the world has shifted slightly and unsettled us  all. We talked about loss, and when I say loss I mean the sense of loss for the old ways of doing things when we did not wear masks, we taught in classrooms and moaned about winter pressures and how we never managed to sort it out. Actually sharing that moment helped both of us. 

The point about this blog is that no matter what you are experiencing, it is important not to devalue you response to what is going on around you and to you. Those silly daft emotional moments require and deserve you attention, and should not be diminished and pushed down. There are lots and lots of ways we can give them some space, one way is to talk to someone you know and trust, at work or home. Socially at the moment that is harder than it was, having a coffee or a glass of whatever you fancy and a chat is out of the question. We can meet via zoom or on the phone. Some people like to journal and write down what is happening to them. I know I find that very useful. I am also offering to have virtual 1:1 sessions with people, just drop me a line at matt@mattycoach71.com and we can arrange a zoom call. The first one is free.

The take home message is that it is perfectly acceptable to be daft, quite frankly the world is acting daft at the moment. 

08/11/2020 Day 4 of Lockdown 2/A weekend of watching the excitement of a Presidential election

It was inevitable I suppose that it was going to happen again. In fact it probably should have happened earlier, if we wanted to prevent the hospital admissions we are seeing right now. But we are where we are.

It certainly does feel the same as the last lockdown. Last time everywhere seemed a lot quieter, this time the traffic does not seem to be any lighter. Both yesterday and today on my daily dog walking activities I was struck by the sheer amount of traffic on the roads, clearly going to the supermarkets and maybe travelling for their exercise. I wonder though how seriously people are taking this lockdown. The problem is the number of patients in our local hospitals has exceeded the peak number during the first wave of the pandemic. Our hospitals are extremely busy, which is not unusual at this time of year. The problem is the flu season has yet to have an impact, when it does if we continue to admit the numbers of patients with COVID we are now then it is going to get extremely busy. The other issue that we are facing is that, staff in hospitals are members of the public too and are getting infected too, which is impacting on the staffing levels and therefore putting added pressure on the system. The simple answer is to stay at home as much as you can, if you do need to go out make sure you keep your distance from others, wear a mask in indoor public spaces and wash your hands regularly. Most importantly don’t go out unless necessary. If the hospitals get overrun we are going to be in serious trouble.

As I have spent most of my time inside this weekend I have been glued to the news watching the fallout from the US Presidential election. It has been fascinating watching how they decide their president, I have never really paid much attention in the past to how it all works. It seems very strange, but then again our system probably does to them. What stands out is the division that is very evident in the country, and that reminded me of what it has been like here since the brexit vote. It seems to me that both countries have a problem with listening, and hearing alternative points of view. I hope that President Elect Biden is able to reach out to across the divide and encourage listening and empathy. My other hope is that we will someday have a leader in this country that will encourage the same. We all need to learn to listen again and learn to accept and embrace our differences. People who disagree are not enemies, it is time to stop the rhetoric of if they are not with us they are against us. It is time to hold hand with strangers and heal the wounds that have been festering in the world for too long. I know it is idealistic, but we all need a cause to attach ourselves too and what better cause in our current world than working towards understanding and empathy.

We are after all, all loved and loveable, so let’s start seeing the joy and love in the world rather than hate and division.

Stay safe, and be kind to yourself and others.

Desperately Seeking Optimism

I don’t know about you but my optimism filter is feeling the strain. Everywhere I look there is something else getting in the way of the glimmer of happiness. I am certain though that happiness and joy is still there, only its presence at the moment is fleeting.

This week has seen Lisa’s birthday. We generally take the week off, traditionally because it is half-term so the boys were always off. We never normally go anywhere but just spend some time with each other. This year we have the week off, unfortunately the boys are in Manchester and were unable to come home. We did however manage to have a nice week. We have never been known for wild excitement, so our activities we not completely curtailed by the pandemic. We had a potter around town on one day having a lovely lunch in Lion and Key (a delightful pub in Hull’s Old Town). Then on Friday (Lisa’s Birthday) our friends came round and we had a meal and laughed heartily until until the new tier 2 restrictions came into force. It was great to see them, and we all had such a wonderful time, the highlight of a relaxing week.

I woke up Saturday morning with a bit of a thick head and was greeted with the news of us going into a 2nd lockdown, which was not unexpected. The haphazard, shambolic approach to informing the nation upset me more than the news. I am always hopeful that outbreak of competence is going to take hold of our government. As all football fans will know, it is the hope that kills you. So my mood for the rest of the day was set. That sets me off in a pessimistic view of the world. Now I am concentrating on being 200 miles away from my lovely mum with no prospect of seeing her soon. Our boys are in Manchester again with little prospect of seeing them before Christmas. Our dog is getting old and infirm and spent most of the day looking tired and sad. Then to top it all Sean Connery died! That was the last straw, it all got a bit much, and I found myself crying watching clips of James Bond being all alpha male. It was just another reminder that our world is changing and will never be the same again.

This morning I got up early as usual, and as usual I spent the first hour reading the paper (The Observer today). I got to an article about a cafe in Leeds that made 200 sandwiches for children during the half-term. I was overcome with the owners compassion and love of humanity. What an amazing lady, and I know her’s was not the only story. I found myself sobbing as I read it. The sadness of the whole thing just touched my emotions and released all the sadness that has been sitting in my chest for the past few weeks. Boy I needed that! We all need something to release our emotions, so we can articulate what we are feeling.

The emotions I am feeling at the moment is fear of the future, all wrapped up in this need to be happy and fulfilled all the time. The uncertainty of everything is very unsettling however there is also a level of certainty that things will never be the same again. Therefore a lot of the emotion I am feeling is loss. I am and possibly all of us are grieving for a life we will never have again. This is a process and we have to experience the sadness and worry for us to get the most out of the new world that will inevitably come. It is our opportunity at the moment to concentrate on what is truly valuable to us. Only we know what we value, so search for it identify it and hold on tight to it as what you value will guide you through this challenging days.

I am learning that I have to make space for all this pain and tears, if I don’t I spend too much time and energy trying to chase the bad things away and miss the moments of love and joy that are ever present. Even on the dullest and wettest of days there is always some daylight.

Free Webinar on Well-Being

I am hosting a free webinar on 28th October at 7pm GMT on how to maintain our well-being as we enter the second wave of the pandemic and endure further restrictions. to book a place follow the link below

https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/x/looking-after-our-well-being-in-an-uncertain-world-tickets-126698268933

Anxiety

The vast majority of anxiety we all experience is useful and forms part of our biological alert system, it only becomes an issue that requires expert attention when it becomes disordered, and occurs inappropriately.

Most of us do not have disordered inappropriate anxiety, the anxiety we experience is perfectly appropriate. Now depending on your particular view of the world you might be more or less anxious than those around you.

I am one of those people that feel anxious more than others, my anxiety however is always related to an event. What I have noticed is that some of the events that cause my anxiety are out of my control, where as there are others that I can influence. I have also noticed that all of my anxiety is based on my emotional response to previous events.

So anxiety is induced by my mind projecting memories onto my imagined future and the emotions these memories provoke. I also know that some of these events I can control and some of them I cannot.

If I am not careful I can get caught up in my anxieties and allow them to take over my life, without addressing them, without responding appropriately to the warning system that it is. It is like sitting there listening to a fire alarm and wondering if you are losing your mind. It often feels easier to bury those anxieties and just carry on with my life, but all it does is just kick anxiety down the road, and can often make that anxiety worse in the future. So I have started practicing facing those anxieties and attending to the event that sits behind them. To face these anxieties I have taken a few techniques from Brene Brown, Daniel Kahneman and Paul McGee, to explore my emotions sort through my actions and ultimately slow my thinking down.

Understand the emotion that is causing the anxiety

When considering the event that is causing my anxiety, I will ask myself what point in my history am I referencing to create this emotion. In other words what from my experience is driving this emotion. It is always important at this point to test the accuracy of this memory, for instance is it my memory or a cultural reference point. Then is my emotional response in the light of this reasonable. Or put another way is this event worth being anxious about.

This helps me initially slow my thinking down and have a more objective view of my anxiety rather than just having an immediate emotional response.

Can I influence this event or not

Now I have established that what is causing my anxiety is worth my attention, it is important to establish if I can do anything to actually change the event or do I just have to change my response to the event. A lot of normally anxiety that we all experience is related to deadlines that are due. For instance this week I have had an assignment due, as the deadline drew closer my anxiety grew. I simply dealt with this anxiety by completing the assignment, and actually my anxiety helped motivate my action. Now there are other anxieties, and especially now that are beyond our control. Now just because we cannot influence these events we can adjust our response to them, and concentrate on taking control of all the aspects in our life we can influence. So at the moment, the news of the impending second wave is causing me anxiety, as is the behaviour of people I see on the news. All I can do is control how I behave, and act. I also concentrate on doing activities that satisfy me, and make me happy. I love writing this blog, I love coaching people, and I love my new passion of podcasting. I find these restorative, and they are something I can control.

In summary anxiety is an appropriate alarm system, so slow you thinking down and pay attention to the causes of you anxiety, act on what you can act on, and start to adjust your response to what you cannot control, by concentrating on what you can control.

If you want support managing the worries you experience, please feel free to message me.

They Will Be OK

Like me some of you will have children that are away at University or are just going. My eldest Ben has been back in Manchester quite a while as he went back to work when the bars reopened, and then my youngest Jack joined him in Manchester about a month ago, as they are sharing a house so he thought he may as well settle in and try and find a job, as he was already paying rent on the house.

So that was difficult enough saying goodbye to both your children and coming back home without them for the first time. Then this week we start hearing about lockdowns and the virus spreading among university students with over a hundred students testing positive at Manchester Metropolitan University and 2 halls of residence building quarantined. I cannot imagine what it must be like for the parents of those young people and the young people themselves in those residence. Well I can imagine, and what I am imagining makes me feel incredibly sad. All we want to do as parents is to protect your children, so leaving at university is heart wrenching as it goes against your instincts, so leaving them during a time of international crisis is so distressing. They are after all still children learning to be adults. But we have to let them learn to be adults, we have to let them experience independence.

This morning when I started to feel sick with worry, and go into a mild panic, I had to stop myself. First I had to acknowledge why I had that reaction. I obviously reacted that way because I love them. This love is the very reason why we brought them up to be loving, resilient and independent young men. Because we love them, they deserve the our respect, that they can support each other, and keep safe. We will support them if they need us, and we both worry about them. But being a loving parent means you have to let them experience life on their own two feet, even through an international crisis. To be honest they have as much experience of this as we have. Therefore they are just as entitled as us to make mistakes, and they are just as entitled to be as scared as we are.

We have to allow our children to experience the world as an adult even when the world is upside down. The desire to go and get them and keep them safe at home is very strong, and in the short-term might help, but in the long term it can make it all the harder for everyone. The realisation that we cannot keep our adult children safe is hard to swallow, but we have to trust that our parenting up to this point has equipped them to keep themselves safe.

When we grew up and left home we thrived, even though our ability to keep in contact with parents and school friends was limited to conversations in telephone boxes and maybe letters. We can now communicate with each other, with ease, via a multitude of platforms, and we can either track each others movements.

So lets fight that urge to put a protective shield around them and allow them to flourish into the amazing, incredible adults you raised them to be.

If I am honest (you may have guessed) this was a little pep talk to myself, but I hope it helps some of you.

If you are struggling and want to learn to resist the urge to jump in the car and bring them home, then get in touch, I do coaching sessions for parents of young adults, as well as coaching for young adults that are finding it harder than they thought.

You can email me on matt@mattycoach71.com

All my sessions are done via zoom at the moment.

Are you connecting to the right people for the right reasons?

“Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.” Many of you will remember these words of wisdom from Baz Lurhman’s song (more spoken to music) Everybody is Free (To Wear Sunscreen). What a lot of people don’t realise is that this was originally written by Mary Schmich, a Chicago Tribune columnist for a speech she gave to graduating students. The speech in itself is a piece of advice, with the explanation of what advice is given at the end to illustrate what advice really is.

Advice put harshly is a form of dishonesty, mixed in with a smattering of self-aggrandizing. When we go into advice mode we are attempting to position ourselves as more superior than the recipient of our words of wisdom. Our initial intention no doubt was to support and help the person in front of us. This is especially acute if we like the person and want them to like us. Our drive to be accepted and be a useful senior member of the tribe is so strong that before we know it we are searching our memory bank for something useful, something that has happened to us, something we did that sort of worked. Once we find it we rearrange it and maybe add some new bits to make it more useful and more impressive, before we offer it to the poor helpless soul in front of us. For a moment you are the benevolent, wise chieftain dispensing advice to your faithful brethren. It feels great, we have been helpful, showed kindness and preventing them from making a terrible mistake. The recipient is grateful and feels loved, more importantly for that moment they have put you on a pedestal. That is of course if they have not been on the receiving end of words of wisdom in the past, or they have experience, or they don’t trust you. This is the problem with advice giving, it is not really designed to help the recipient. Its’ primary function is to help you look and feel good.

Don’t feel bad if you are a serial advice giver, most of us are. We all want to be accepted, we all want to be useful. Giving advice feels like a quick win, we receive an instant reward with the release of endorphins that make us feel good. We all remember that feeling so go to advice mode automatically to receive our treat, just like an obedient puppy. On many occasions we all like to get advice, as it requires a lot less effort being advised than thinking of a solution for ourselves. Being on the receiving end of kindly advice full of good intent makes us feel all warm and fuzzy. Someone loves us enough to share their wisdom with us. We all enjoy being a child and letting others make decisions for us from time to time, and we also all enjoy being the kindly parent supporting our grateful children. This is why advice giving is a default setting for many of us.

The problem with advice is that it is based on our memories of events we were involved in. As we have mentioned before our memories are notoriously unreliable. The older the memory, the less factual it is. Our minds are not reliable recorders of fact, our minds will always add or takeaway to confirm our view of the world.

Now this is not to say that advice is not useful or is somehow destructive. It needs to be bookmarked though as your experience. If advice is framed as a story, a tale of success or a cautionary tale, helps the recipient consider that experience and apply it to their view of the world. They can then accept or reject it without offending you, all they have to do is pay attention and show interest in your story. If they find it useful they can then decide to ask you more questions or find out a bit more about similar situations. The responsibility then lies with you to make sure the story you are relaying is not a complete fiction and is based on actual events. Telling stories is a wonderful way to impart knowledge without you appearing to have power over the individual. There is still a requirement for them to raise their own awareness about their capability before they can try any nuggets of wisdom they may have extracted from your story.

Overtly telling people what to do should be confined to instruction when emparting new skills or techniques that have very clear rules, that if are not followed will end in the failure of the activity. This is not advice, this is instruction. Once the knowledge has been shared, we must desist from giving advice, and instead provide feedback and ask questions that enlighten the individual into realising their own capacity to achieve the activity more effectively.

Timothy Gallwey in his book The Inner Game of Tennis describes this perfectly. When we learn how to play tennis, we are taught the rules and techniques of playing tennis. This he says is the outer game. Once we have mastered the outer game, constantly being instructed about it is not going to improve our performance. Galwey suggests now that it is important to explore the inner game of tennis. This is paying attention to what is limiting us. This might be what we believe is our limit or that our back hand is our weakness, or how we are unable to beat a certain opponent. These are limiting or inhibiting thoughts, something we all have that can be challenged by asking questions that raise our awareness and reduce the effect of these limiting beliefs and increase our enabling beliefs.

Another way of looking at this is to consider how we think. It is suggested that we think in terms of questions and statements. Our questions and statements are based on recalled memories or projections of our future. We make sense of our world in terms of questions and statements we make based on either recalled memories or projections of what we perceive our future to be. Now the vast majority of us have a mixture of helpful and hindering questions and statements that dictate how we see our world.

As mentioned previously in this book we do have a tendency to default to hindering more than helpful questions and statements. When people have experienced failure in the past, they generally tend to focus on this when recalling memories. So what if, by simply asking people a couple of question you could change their hindering thoughts into helpful thoughts. When they tell you they cannot do something, based on a recalled memory of a previous failure. What if you asked them what is the most helpful statement they could say about their chances of success? Or what question could they ask themselves that would be more helpful. They might fail again but a shift in mind-set may well help them pick themselves up review what they need to improve on to improve their chances of success. A shift in mind-set from hindering thoughts to helpful ones can change the way they see the world and improve their chances of success. This will not be achieved if you tel them what to do. All that does is confirm to them the hindering thoughts they have about themselves.

The next time someone comes to you with a problem or for some advice, ask yourself what would be the most helpful response I could give, that will give the results that both myself and the recipient require. Having flexibility along the directive/non-directive continuum takes practice but will change the way you connect with others.

Now we have explored our tendency to want to give advice, instead of listening and supporting people to improve themselves, we can now examine whether the people we are connecting to the right people in the right way, for both parties to get the most out of the relationship. 

The theory of transactional analysis developed by Eric Berne, might help us understand why we connect with certain people and not with others. This theory maps interpersonal relationships into 3 ego states. The parent, the adult and the child. Now typically we are conditioned to be comfortable and seek 2 ego states. You have guessed it, we are most happy in parent or child states, as they give us a warm and fuzzy feeling as described earlier in the chapter. It is often unusual for both people in a relationship to be in an adult state. 

Now the non-directive, non-advice giving approach that I have described is really helpful and has great benefits on a relationship (either personal or professional), however this requires both of you to be in an adult ego state. When people come to you with a problem most of the time they are coming to you in a child ego state, and are looking for a solution to their problem. They may well be expecting to be the parent, and might be confused and resistant to you in an adult ego state, listening and asking questions without doling out the usual advice. This is where the offering of stories of your experiences in similar circumstances can help, alter the mindset of your friend shift to an adult ego state. Especially if you follow up with some questions about how your experience compares to theirs and what they might use, which then brings them back to their experience and how they will solve it. 

The aim is to make connections in an adult ego state and therefore have more mutually beneficial relationships instead of one of you being dependant on the other, which can often lead to a toxic drama triangle where one of you is always the victim and one of you plays the role of the rescuer, that just breeds resentment and a breakdown in the relationship. 

So as an exercise map out your relationships, with you in the middle and all your relationships, both personal and professional branching out from you. Once you have everyone mapped out, using the transactional analysis ego states decide what type of relationship it is. On the connecting line between you an them write the initial of your ego state in the relationship nearest to you and their ego state initial nearest to them (like below).

Me____P________C___You

When you have mapped and analysed all your relationships, consider all of them that are parent to child. Would they be improved if they were adult to adult relationships? Are you willing to change your mindset in that relationship? If not, is the relationship worth maintaining or is it time to end it? This seems quite harsh but if the desire to improve a relationship is not their or if there is no necessity for that relationship then maybe it would be more helpful to both of you to end it. 

There is one last thing to add to your map, and that is the people that are in your world that you do not have a relationship with. Put them on the edge of your map. What could you gain from connected with these people as an adult to an adult? What is currently preventing you from connecting with them? Are you willing to attempt connection? Seeing relationships through the lens of an adult ego state, instead of a child or parent state can dramatically change how you map appears and what is useful for you, both personally and professionally.   

Episode 6 of The Connected Living Podcast: How Are You Showing Up

In this episode we explore attitudes, decision making and our world view. This is the transition from understanding how we connect with ourselves to then make better connections with others.

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