Time to look to the future

A year has now passed since we lost Mum. I can easily say it has been the most difficult year I have experienced. I have spent most of the year reliving the last few weeks of her life. This has caused me immense pain over the past 12 months. Back in May I had a series of counselling sessions that were very helpful in preparing me for the 28th August. Since May I have been working on not getting stuck in my past and projecting that onto my fears about the future. The anniversary of the last month of her life and her death on 28th August were still looming though and I still needed to reflect on and reconcile the strong emotions I have about this time. Last Monday was the culmination of that reflection. The week before was our Wedding Anniversary and we spent the week in Bournemouth, it was a glorious week of relaxation and being in each others company reflecting. I needed that week, as I could feel myself getting stressed about how I would cope on the 28th.

We had decided to go to Hornsea on Monday, Mum loved going there every time she came to visit us. She loved having fish and chips on the seafront from Sullivans and then going to Hornsea Freeport. So that is what we did. We got our fish and chips and sat in our usual place looking out over the North Sea, thinking about Mum and how much she loved the sea. We laughed as we remembered how she would always try to offer me half of her chips and proclaim with her mouthful how lovely the fish was. We then went to have a wander around the Freeport to seek out some bargains. Whilst at the Freeport Lisa suggested we go to the garden centre and buy a rose, in memory of Mum. Mum always had roses in her front and back garden. We both had like a white rose she had in her back garden, on numerous occasions we had tried to take cuttings of it with no success. Up until that point in the day I had managed to keep my composure, I could feel myself losing it rapidly. On the way to the garden centre I was holding myself that tightly that I started to cramp in my back and on the right side of my chest. If I am honest and started to worry about whether I was having a heart attack. It didn’t spread any further but the more I tried to relax the tighter my chest got. It didn’t stop until we had chosen a rose paid for it and got in the car.

Mum died at 16:18 on the 28th August 2022, that exact time will be etched in my mind for the rest of my life. So just after 4pm on Monday I took her picture from our dining room and put it on the garden table, and got myself and Lisa a drink to mark the moment of her passing and toast her life. At 18 minutes past we raised our glasses to the picture. At that point my composure completely broke and I sobbed and sobbed. It was such a relief to allow the pain out, to express how much I missed her and our past. We started to talk about Mum and our memories of her and the impact she still has on us. I then said it was time to stop living in the past and regretting it’s passing. Life moves on, Mum is no longer physically with us and she never will be, her life came to an end 12 months ago at the age of 80. She lived a full and meaningful life having three children, 4 grandchildren, one step grandchild, and one great granddaughter. She saw all her grandchildren grow up into adulthood and start fulfilling their dreams. She taught us all to be caring, compassionate, good people, as her Mum had taught her. To honour her life and ensure she lives on, all we have to do carry on living our lives to the full never forgetting the impact she has had on who we are. We cannot do that if we spend all our time wishing we could turn back time. We live now the impact we have on those around is happening.