Yesterday I wrote a short blog offering myself as a coach for parents and young adults that are maybe struggling to navigate the transition from childhood to adulthood. I hadn’t planned to write that particular blog when I got up yesterday, I planned to write some more about career coaching and the milestones in our lives when we assess our careers. But instead I started to consider the difficulties young people and their parents face when teenagers move in to adulthood. When I reflected on this decision it was obvious why. On the 1st October 1989 I left home to start my Nurse training. Since Friday this has been praying on my mind. It has seriously affected my state of mind and had clearly influenced the decisions I was making. With that in mind I thought I would share with you my memories of those few days and try and make sense why this year of all years this event has had such an impact on me.
Clearly this took place 34 years ago so my memory of the exact events will be very patchy. However what is clear is the memory of how I felt and how Mum felt (having had many conversations about that day over the years).
I didn’t have to much to pack, my clothes, radio cassette player, my music collection, a few books and a food hamper put together by Mum. My cousin Rachel drove us to Hull. Mum was in the front seat next to Rachel and I was on the backseat with my belongings, and a list of directions to get to Hull. I had written the directions from a road atlas. I remember being more tense about getting the directions right than leaving home as we drove along the M56 towards Manchester. As it turned out I could have done with being more alert to my surroundings, as we missed the turning on to the M6 North and ended up in Manchester. After being lost in Manchester for about an hour we eventually got on to the M62 straight to Hull. I remember nothing of the rest of the journey until we were on Clive Sullivan Way (A63), which is the main dual carriageway into Hull. I remember seeing the Humber Bridge and my nerves starting to take hold. Then we turned on to Rawlings Way and Hull Royal Infirmary came into view, where I would be living, working and learning. My stomach started doing somersaults. Once we arrived I was given my keys and room number (Room 914). I was on the 9th floor. Opening the door of my room was a big shock for me and Mum. The room seemed tiny and so basic. I had a sink a wardrobe a table a chair and a bed. the kitchen was down the corridor as was the shared bathroom. Everything seemed so dated and soulless. I really wanted to go home, but I knew that was not an option so I kept my thoughts to myself. Before Mum and Rachel left we walked into Hull City Centre and had Sunday lunch in Burger King.
When I was saying goodbye to Mum I tried my hardest not to cry, I could see Mum was trying her hardest not to upset me and cry. I will never forget that hug we gave each other in the carpark outside the staff residence at HRI. Neither of us wanted to let go. Mum told me years later that she cried for the whole journey home. She said it felt like having having her arm cut off. When they had gone I bumped in to a few other people on my course, I think it was Cathy, Anna and Jo. We had a quick chat and agreed to meet later to go exploring. I then went straight to my room and sobbed into my bed. I wasn’t sure I was ready to be an adult.
I really struggled for the next 3 months. Every night I would cry myself to sleep. I realised I was woefully under equipped for leaving home. I had no idea how to cook, I couldn’t use a washing machine and had no idea how to iron. Thankfully despite being shy I was good at making friends and if it wasn’t for my neighbour Anita (who is sadly no longer with us), Omar, Vicky, Sam and Sonia, I think I may have not managed to get through those first few months.
As I reflect on that first year of training I started to grow into being an adult, I met my best friend Julian (we talk still every week) and made some wonderful friends and memories.
Yesterday I felt really out of sorts and was short tempered and quite tearful. Reflecting on transitions and milestones in life has made me realise that I am going through another transition in my life. Our children have grown up, Jack has moved back home. and it has been a year since Mum died. I am moving into the next chapter in my life. From a work and life perspective I have less time in front of me than I do behind me.
I have no doubt been in transition since Mum died, just like the transition I started 34 years ago today. This transition period is unsettling and uncertain, but exciting at the same time. The difference is that I don’t have a full life in front of me. If I am lucky I have another 15 years of work (that would make me 67). The choices I make workwise hold more importance as I have less time fill. It makes me realise that making value based decisions is vital to ensure the actions you take meet your needs.
If you have waved goodbye to child recently, you will recognise that hug that you never want to end. This transition is painful, the fruits of this pain are worth it. They are even sweeter if we give our children the space to make decisions that are based on what they value.
If this blog has sparked a thought and you want to explore it further please get in touch.
Connected Coaching 