If only we spent more time listening, and I mean really listening then maybe the world would be a much better place. We all think we a good at listening, but most of us are very poor at it. We spend our time listening to respond. We start with good intentions to listen to what someone has to say about a subject or to listen to a question. As soon as they start speaking we start making judgements on what they are saying, we then stop listening and start formulating our response. In fact most of the time we have made a judgement about the person and what they are about to say even before they have opened their mouth. Really listening is difficult and takes practice. I find myself regularly falling into this trap of listening to respond or judge. My intentions are often honourable, as I want to help someone, so when they start telling me their story I get this strong urge to look for a solution for them. I completely disregard their experience and story and will often stop listening altogether while I explore my memory banks looking for a solution for them. For a coach this is a terrible admission. I know! When I am coaching or having a professional conversation with someone I consciously prepare myself before I start being very mindful of this urge I have. As mentioned earlier being able to listen well or as Nancy Kline would put it; listen with fascination, requires learning how to prepare for and conduct a conversation as well as practice.
So this week I have been working with senior health professionals to enhance their listening skills. Now most health professionals worth their salt are very effective communicators, however there is always room to learn more and improve. In my experience they are excellent listeners when it comes to working with their patients. This is often more intuitive than intentional and most would struggle to describe what they really do to make their listening so effective. What I have also noticed is that this listening skill is rarely transferrable to their colleagues and direct reports.
On Monday I was working with a group of Senior Nurses, in fact Monday was day 2 of a 3 day leadership development programme I had developed for them. Day 2 was how to conduct coaching style conversations when working with teams. Having a coaching style conversation is all about listening effectively to help a member of staff gather together all the information they possess about a particular issues they are facing then helping them assess this information and support them with create a plan to address this issue, whilst resisting the urge to take over and solve their issue with the incomplete or irrelevant information you have. It was a wonderful day with lots of laughter and meaty conversations. We always end the day in groups of 3 listening to each other in turn and experiencing how it feels to be listened to with fascination. I love working with Nurses, it is always good fun, but I was exhausted afterwards. They do like to talk so they take a bit of corralling to make sure we get through the content we need to.
Wednesday was day 3 of Clinical Supervision training. We offer this training to Nurses and AHPs to develop the skills required to be an effective Clinical Supervisor. These skills involve effective listening. Day 3 is a consolidation of the skills where we talk about the pitfalls we can fall into when conducting clinical supervision. The majority of the pitfalls we discussed involved the difficulty with truly listening, and not being distracted by our own thoughts as we start to listen to judge and respond. We talked about preparation and the importance of getting our head in the right place. We discussed using mindful techniques to practice letting go of our thoughts and keeping ourselves in the moment. We finished the day with a group clinical supervision session where everyone brought an agenda item they would like to discuss, and the group would decide which agenda item to start with. I would then ask some opening questions to start the process and then invite other members of the group to ask questions and get curious to help the member with the issue unearth all the information about the issue and then help them use this information to explore potential solutions. This was a great practice to get them noticing how strong the urge is to listen to judge and respond rather than to understand.
On Friday I was the one listening with fascination when I was coaching. Before the coaching session I warmed up by spending a few moments being mindful, practicing letting go of any thoughts that came into my head whilst focussing on an object in this case my mobile phone. I held my phone in my hand focussing on it’s weight and how it feels in my hands. Inevitably I was distracted by a thought, and each time I noticed my attention being taken away from the phone, I would reset my focus back to the phone and let go of the thought. This helps me during the session to concentrate my focus on my coachee and listen to the information they are giving me and therefore ask questions that provide more information to help them see what actions maybe helpful for them.
As I mentioned earlier I don’t always get it right and there are times when I do not listen with fascination, this is often when I have been listening all day to people that require my attention professionally. Therefore it can be times when people need me to listen to them personally where I can fall short. It is vital to make space for both. This requires us to take care of ourselves to make sure we have enough energy to listen to all the important people in our lives. In my blog Find comfort at both home and work by creating and managing your personal boundaries I explore how we can make sure we give both home and work the attention they deserve.
If you want to know more about how you can listen to understand rather than to respond please get in touch via social media or email matt@mattycoach71.com
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