I was just looking back and I last wrote a back in March, and to be honest in the past 2 years since Mum passed away my blog writing at best has been sporadic. There were loads of reasons I suppose but the underlying most important reason was being comfortable sharing my thoughts with the world. A confidence that anyone would find it remotely interesting and helpful. I know there are a lot of you who have told me how helpful my blogs have been over the years. I found them helpful too, that often helped me sort my shit out. For the past 2 years though I have needed to be more introverted outside of work than I had previously. I did not have the energy to use me extraversion outside of my day to day work. I reflected on this over the summer with Lisa and she agreed that I have become more unsociable and at times across as a bit rude. This feedback really shook me, as it really did not fit with my narrative of who I am. The story I tell myself is that I am a kind and sociable person that will always give people the time of day. Deep down I knew this was not the case, but I just did not want to acknowledge how much of a miserable git I can be, and more recently the miserable git has been making an appearance more than maybe he should. It made me realise that I can be quite dismissive of people and situations and that I do not always choose to listen to understand people and will either stop listening or listen to judge them. I had got my self caught in my own personal drama triangle constantly reacting to the content of my life from a standpoint of either the rescuer, the victim, or the persecutor. I know I talk about her a lot, but losing my Mum has been the most important life event since losing my Dad and both my boys were born, which all happened within 3 years and had a seismic effect on me. I am much more self aware now than I was in my earlier 30s, but it is still having an impact on me, far more profound than I thought it would. A lot has happened in the 2 years without Mum, both my boys have graduated from University, Jack has moved back home, and I have been promoted at work.
I know these are just normal life events, that many of us experience. I suppose that is why I am writing about it. It is a struggle that a lot of us will have in our life times, we will all experience them in our own way. It can feel overwhelming and take up a lot of our bandwidth, it certainly has mine. I have noticed over the past couple of weeks in the build up and aftermath of Mums anniversary has been particularly challenging and my bandwidth has significantly narrowed, this has combined with work being really busy with lots priorities requiring my attention. At one point on Friday this week I wanted to walk away from everything. Obviously this was just a momentary blip, and for a few days in the build up I was seeking ways to resolve this by talking to people about how I was feeling. Working in the public sector is always really challenging, right now is especially challenging as the country changes government, on top of the Organisation I work is going through a major transition, then there has been the riots and civil unrest in Hull, which has unearthed intolerance and anger that has had a huge affect on the morale of many people who work in the NHS. Last week all of this reached a crescendo in my head, last week was my week to reach saturation.
I needed to find a way that will help me keep riding these waves, as life is always going to throw waves at me, rather than fighting against them I need to start learning to ride them again. Life gets busy and we sometimes don’t notice that we are fighting against the tide, which is just exhausting and fruitless. Once we notice we are fighting, it is important to relax and ride the wave, accept what you cannot control, learn how to live with those certainties and make changes to what can control. It is simple but not always obvious. When I felt at my best I was regularly writing about my thoughts and taking exercise. When I go for walks 3-4 times a week (I struggle to run that much now, my knees just cannot cope) and write about life I know I feel more balanced, and maybe stop being as much of a knob as I know I can be. Here is a picture from my walk yesterday.
With that in mind I am going to make this more regular, I am also planning a podcast that will basically be the content of my blog in podcast form. I will let you know more about the podcast in due course.
If you are going through challenges no matter what they are, notice when you are stuck in your own personal drama triangle, relax, stop fighting what you cannot control and start taking control of what is in your power.
Speak soon and take care.
Connected Coaching 