I don’t often do 2 blogs, 2 days in a row, but today’s blog is less personal, what I want to talk about today is how we communicate more effectively, by talking less and listening more.
Most of us think that we listen well but I would suggest most of do not. I have written about the importance of listening many times before and always say that we must listen to understand rather than listening to respond. It sounds really easy and we all intend to listen to understand and then almost immediately we get fully involved in the subject and start listening to respond, which essentially means we have stopped listening. It is so important to listen to the person rather than the subject you think they are talking about, and we can only do this if we listen to understand. It is difficult because we spend most of time in content, in other words we spend most of our days assessing, evaluating against past, and planning for the future. So when someone wants to talk to us about something important, that they need to do some thinking about, we continue to operate in content and start to assess and problem solve what they are saying. I know a lot of you will be reading this and saying…”well yes of course we would they have asked for our help to solve the problem they face”. It does feel natural to get stuck in with them and solve their problem. The issue with this approach is that we hear the headline of the issue and immediately go to work solving the problem. If that was the problem though, they probably would have solved it already. They have decided to ask for your input because the problem is not easily solved. The root of any issue or problem rarely sits on the surface and easily accessible. What the other person needs is a different perspective, by listening to understand we keep our distance and get a view of the overall problem where it sits in their world. When we listen to respond we get stuck into the surface story and get right next to them narrowing our perspective.
To listen effectively it is important to spend our time out of content mode and in observing mode/receiving mode, where we just take in the sights and sounds. Listen to the story they are telling you, and when you get to a bit of the story that you don’t fully understand ask questions that gives you more understanding. If you are curious about the characters or the places you hear about ask about them. Help them paint the picture of the problem they are facing. Notice the emotions the person is experiencing and acknowledge them. This approach always takes a little longer than just plain advice but it works so much better. Let them take you on a tour of the issue/issues they are facing, get curious about the bits they gloss over, and avoid relating it to your world and solving their problem in your world.
You will notice that you will drift back into content mode and either relate it to a part of your world or want to ask them questions to steer them in a direction that takes them to a solution you think would be satisfactory. Once you notice that you are stopping listening and starting to solve, let that thought go and re-focus on what they are telling you. When I am having a conversation at work with anyone, I have started to intentionally employ this approach and it works incredibly well, I have noticed that I enjoy even challenging/important conversations much more than I have in the past, as I don’t feel the pressure to solve the problem. I am there to help them examine the problem and for them to find the answer that is most helpful for them, and sometimes that is not finding a solution right now.
The difficulty with listening to understand is that it requires bandwidth, the narrower our bandwidth the harder it is to stay out of content. There are just too many intrusive thoughts passing through our mind, so we stop listening and move into solution mode or become dismissive of the problem the pales in comparison to the issues we perceive we are facing. As with anything in life it is vital to make sure you are heard and have someone that will listen to understand when you speak. In my previous blogs I have written about how easy it is for our bandwidth to narrow and as a consequence become less responsive and supportive of those around us. It is important that we all play our part in maintaining our own and others bandwidth by being open to receiving support and being a good and I am mean a really good listener for those around us.
Take care everyone.
Connected Coaching 