I woke up this morning feeling run down and out of energy, it was the same yesterday. We were supposed to go see Space (a indie pop band from the 90s). Most of yesterday though I felt nauseas, had a headache and was so tired. We did not end up going, Lisa was not up for it, as she has work today, so we decided to do what we do most Saturdays and plonked ourselves in front of the TV. Lisa watched Bad Sisters on Apple TV and I started reading a book I read a couple of years ago called Noble Beginnings a trashy Bourne Identity shoot em up, which is thoroughly entertaining. I was in bed before 10pm feeling sorry for myself and wondering if I had picked up a virus from somewhere, it definitely felt like I had a temperature. I could’ve checked but I could not be bothered to go back downstairs and find the thermometer in our medicine box. I had just taken some paracetamol so it wasn’t going to influence my actions. Work has been whirring around my head all week, and it was still not giving up especially now I was in bed, so I immersed myself back in to the world of American Special OPs and read another chapter of my book until I could not keep my eyes open. I slept for what felt like hours, but in actual fact was about an hour, when I was woken up by my son who had just got in from work and was moving around downstairs. Work came creeping back in to my mind again. Everything I seem to be working on at the moment is based on relationships, and how we all manage them or not in times of uncertainty and stress. Tackling the behaviours that are impacting on the relationships seems so big and as a result of so much that is out of the control of the individuals. This week it has been consuming me, I have fallen into the trap of trying to solve it and as a result feeling helpless and frustrated. Hence why I am feeling so run down and lying awake on a Saturday night and early hours of a Sunday morning trying to find a solution, a solution that is not mine to find. I had a fitful sleep after that.
As I said I have woken up this morning feeling wrung out, but determined to shake it off. Firstly I need to pay attention to my emotional response to all the work I currently doing. I understand why my desire to fix has become so strong this week, and that is because I need to write and talk about what is happening. I have written in my journal what I have been doing this week, but I have not written about how I feel. I am not able to share what I am doing for confidentiality reasons, that is why I have a personal journal. However I do find it useful to share my emotional responses to some of the work I do, for some reason I find knowing someone else will read this, really helpful. I have written in the past that it makes me feel part of a community of like minded people. I do however need to talk to someone about what is in my head, just to sense check me and make sure I do not talk myself into or out of actions or a line of thinking.
As mentioned earlier nearly everything that I am working on at the moment is relationship based. The NHS as a whole is under a lot of strain at the moment, it feels more strained and pressurised than I have ever experienced it. Whether that is reality or just perception could be debated but at the end of the day if the people working in the NHS perceive this as the most difficult time then that is their reality. All of this pressure has an impact on all of us individuals that work there. There are currently a lot of people that are not feeling fulfilled in their work and are not getting their needs met, this in turn makes them feel insecure. When we feel insecure we start to concentrate on protecting ourselves and become more focused on self preservation than preserving the team. As result relationships with each other and our employer become strained if we do not perceive them as helping us.
I been seeing this play out in a lot of requests for support in the past few weeks, where individuals are falling out and not being able to see someone’s perspective even when they are both seeking the same outcome. Everyone is tired and in need of a moment to gather their thoughts only it feels like there is no time for this. They just want someone to sort it out for them, and that is where our team comes in, and that is why this week I feel so helpless, as it is just not possible to fix their problems for them. When I am tired and not all my needs are being met I find myself going into rescuer mode and try to tackle the problem head on and come up with solutions for people. That however is not my job. My job is to stand outside of the drama that a team or an individual is facing and help them see what they are not seeing, to introduce another perspective to help them identify what they can impact and what is out of their control, so they can start to take action on what is going to make a difference for them. I can only do this if I recognise when I am immersing myself in the drama. This is the difficulty that internal OD teams face, the drama the teams are in, is also our drama to some extent, and the drama of the NHS is definitely ours. So we have to check ourselves on a regular basis. That I suspect is where I have been in the past few weeks. Sat in my own personal drama triangle, that is connecting with all the drama going on around me. Now I have recognised that I have spent the last week at least sat in the drama with the teams I am working with, it is time to take a step out of the triangle and start listening and observing so I can be back in service of them and help them find the solutions, for the problems that are theirs to solve rather just tackling behaviours full on.
The actions I am taking are:
- Spend today resting and recovering and showing myself some compassion
- Allow the teams I am working with to own their own problems and solutions
- Book some supervision time for myself so I can continue to be compassionate to myself.
Connected Coaching 