We all know it is unrealistic to expect our family life to be perfect, but we cannot help but compare our lives with our perception of the lives of those around us. Whether that is on social media, or just watching those glamorous parents and school drop off and pick up.
It always seems that everyone else has go their shit together other than you. In reality we know they don’t but we just cannot help ourselves and start competing with those around us, even if they don’t realise they are in competition with you.
The thing is we all do it, we are all in competition with each other. We all know it is fruitless and just makes us miserable. We have all read those self-help books that tell us to stop comparing ourselves with others and compare our present performance (as a parent, sibling, child, or friend) with our performance in the past. In fact I have written blogs about it. It doesn’t help, we still feel inadequate, then feel more inadequate because we are flawed and cannot take control of our lives.
Here is a simple approach that will help you manage your response to this and give you the ability to make decisions that are best for you and your family and not worry about how it appears to those around you. This approach will help you feel comfortable not always have to create those insta moments. Not to say capturing those fabulous insta moments is wrong, and should be avoided, but it is ok for them to be the moment you want to capture as a family to remind you of that wonderful experience you had as a family. And also accept that you will have moments that you would rather forget. Although to be honest I have pictures of my boys that were taken well they were behaving like little shits, that with the passing of time I treasure more than those picture perfect moments.
- Accept that your life is not perfect (I know you already do, but stick with me). You are going to compare yourself with others, and there is very little you can do about it. You can however understand why you are doing it. Be curious and seek to understand why you are thinking what you are thinking and feeling what you are feeling without judgement, but with kindness and curiosity. You think and feel what you feel for a reason. You thoughts and feelings do not define you however they are just thoughts and feelings.
- Once you recognise and understand your thoughts on feelings it is important not to allow them to dictate what happens next. It is very easy to become fixed on these thoughts and feelings. It is very easy to see a picture story on instagram posted by a friend during their day out at the beach, where the kids are playing perfectly, mum and dad look gorgeous and blissfully in love, and feel that you need to recreate that yourselves, but your kids keep arguing, your husband is always on his phone answering work emails and you feel fat and ugly in you new swimming costume. You feel like a complete failure and resentful of the life your friend has. None of this is real, it is all driven by thoughts and emotions that tell you how your day out should be. It is important to be able to recognise when you are about to be hooked by a thought or emotion that can be unhelpful. You can do this with practice, by practicing mindful exercises of being in the moment, and noticing when you mind wanders, once you start to think about something other than what is happening in the moment, stop thinking and start to concentrate on the moment. Do this for 5 minutes everyday, and you will soon be able to use this technique when you are being consumed by an unhelpful thought. You will then be able to recognise that you are getting hooked on the thought of being inadequate and not having the experience you hoped for. You can then let that thought go and be in the moment, recognising what is really happening in the moment. You now in a better place to take control.
- Be very clear what you value, and what is truly important for you and your family. Take some time to think about what your current core values are, talk as a family about what you value as a family. There are loads of values exercises you can do, in fact I have quite a few blogs on them. Most importantly though is to talk about what you value on a regular basis so you are clear what is important to you. Now lets go back to that less than ideal day out. Instead of getting hooked on the unhelpful thoughts and just becoming resentful and angry, you are able to see what is exactly happening and appraise this against what you value. If what is really happening (your kinds bickering and your husband answering emails) is in line with what you value, then no action needs to be taken. If not then what would meet you values and what action can you take that is in line with those values.
- The last step is to take action that is inline with what you value and gets the results that meet your values. You are then able to remind your family that what is currently happening is not creating the best day out, and you can do something that everyone wants to do, that meets your family values. These actions and outcomes might not always be perfect but they are in response to what is really happening not just in response to your thoughts and emotions.
If you want to know more about this approach or discuss how I can support you to create a work/life balance to meets you and your family’s needs then please message me.
Connected Coaching 