The past few months have been the most difficult in my life so far. I have never felt emotional pain like this. I have not tried to push it away I have sat with it and accepted it. It is worth it, it is worth it for the 51 years of unconditional love I had from you Mum.
I have cried and I mean proper snot bubble crying nearly every day since she died. This is not weakness or soppiness, this is resilience in action. I will not bury my pain deep inside, I will sit and cry when the sadness of realising I will no longer hold her hand and give her a big bear hug, because those moments were so special and deserve my sadness. Every moment in her presence or talking to her over the phone were priceless and I am so grateful we had that relationship. She helped form the man I am today and I will be forever grateful.
This is what being resilient means, it means experiencing and understanding the pain you are experiencing, and using it to make changes to your life for the better. I am not sure yet what changes I need to make to my life, I am still sitting with the pain, I still feel it intensely everyday. I do have a feeling that my values are shifting, courage is important to me, but I am not sure usefulness is still as high as it once was, but I will have to wait and see, as I think now, I would suggest duty and integrity are right up their after spending time caring for Mum. I had to do it, because it was my duty in fact I might describe it as devotion. I am so devoted to her that I had no choice but to be with her and care for her with my family, but that came with immense personal pain, more than I ever knew I could cope with. As I write this I am noticing that my values are still shifting and have yet to settle in their new order. I am sure though that devotion, duty, integrity and courage will be there.
At the moment the last few weeks of Mum’s life are still fresh in my mind and are still raw. I feel so grateful for my relationship with Mum, but at the moment those last couple of weeks are so painful that I find it hard to be grateful for that time. I know that as time passes I will be so grateful to be able to repay the care and attention she showed me for 51 years.
I love you and miss you Mum, and thank you so much for everything.