On Monday morning I felt ashamed, to be honest I have held this shame for quite some time, this has been the motivator and blocker for my sporadic running and attempts at healthy eating. I weighed myself on Monday morning and felt an enormous sense of shame.
The thing is with shame that it dis-empowers us, shame makes the assumption that you are somehow flawed and are unable to change. Last Monday as I stood in the bathroom I felt weak, useless, and so, so sad. You may remember my Doctor last year told me I was pre-diabetic, and I needed to take action. Well I had failed. I could feel the shame taking hold. I had a choice whilst stood in the bathroom, I could bury the shame and carry on, or I could face it. I chose to face it, face the discomfort. I decided to sit with the uncomfortable embarrassment, and focus on what I was going to do about it.
A few people I know around my age had taken action and lost weight. This gave me the spur to do something. If they have done it, then so can I. This gave me a mental picture of what I want to see myself. This gave me my starting point. I am now in the process of shifting that shame to being accountable. Now I know that I am accountable for the choices I make, when I thinking rationally, however I do not always think rationally. That is why I am in the process of shifting shame, I have to consciously check myself when my reptilian and mammalian minds kick in that they are not always working in my best interest. I have downloaded an app to track what I am eating and how much I weigh, that along with my qualitative goal. I have given myself six months to look and feel the way I want to feel.
Shame is a powerful emotion and at the moment it is a constant struggle to resist the urge to suppress these feelings and tell myself that I will always be fat and unhealthy so just accept it. My rational mind knows this is not the case, I am accountable for the choices I make, and I can choose to have a different lifestyle if that is what I want.
I have blogged about my health and weight before, this has been my blind-spot. I suppose I have never really, truly wanted to face it. I have built a habit of retreating back to the comfort zone of eating rubbish. I have a goal for me that is more attractive and compelling than crisps and biscuits. It is however going to be difficult, and I am certain I will have failures on the way. This time I am prepared for them and will no longer fall into the shame trap of believing that those failures are proof that I am not strong enough to achieve my goal.
If this has inspired you and you want to talk about how you can set your goals that will be meaningful for you, get in touch to arrange a remote coaching session.