I have just reposted a Facebook post from Dr Susan David about creating space between ourselves and our emotions, and that inspired me to write this blog. I have been thinking about this for a few weeks now, but just could not think of the words to say.
My mental health has been taking a battering over recent months. Now this is nothing unusual, depressive feelings (my Foggy) come and go constantly, and I manage to deal with them with varying degrees of success. If you suffer yourself from feelings of depression then you will understand the constant battle to keep it under wraps. Some of the ways I cope with it are helpful and others are less than helpful. What I have noticed is that since I have started running regularly my ability to manage my emotions has increased.
I have flirted with running for years, mainly becuase of the feeling I have post run. The feeling of elation and accomplishment are wonderful. The problem always my weight, I was never able to do it long enough to make a difference with my weight. Running fat is hard on your joints and the pain during the run can be very unpleasant. I could never sustain it, before feelings of uselessness and feeling judged by people would win out and I would stop and eat and drink instead.
Last autumn you will remember that I started on Mounjaro and lost quite a lot of weight. I did not really do much exercise alongside this weight loss and subsequently lost quite a lot of muscle at the same time. I stopped taking Mounjaro in December last year probably a little too soon. I was just over 15 stone at the time. I then started running in February to get in training for the Great Manchester Run, and I managed to maintain my weight. Post race the weight started to creep up and the running started to get harder. I was determined to loose the weight and enjoy running again. I decided to start taking the Mounjaro again to get down to a weight closer to where I should be for my height, but this time to combine this with running regularly and strength exercise.
So I have been taking it for a few months now and i am steadily losing weight again. More importantly I am exercising 3 times a week. Having that routine is helping me manage the stormy days I experience with my depression. The self doubt and feeling like I do not have the mental capacity to make decisions or do anything useful are still present and invade my days regularly, but I am able to as Dr Susan David says put some distance between myself and what I am feeling. The world is full of uncertainty, work is difficult and full of uncertainty so I am going to feel emotions in response to that, and that is normal. I do have periods of depression but they do not define me. I am not depressed all day everyday. There are moments of great joy and achievement in every single day. I do some great pieces of work, I make a difference to people on regular basis. I also get things wrong and piss people off.
Having something I can do that makes me feel incredible whilst I am doing it and afterwards has given me something joyful to look forward to every week. I generally run twice a week and do a strength work out once a week. My son introduced me to Runna app and it has been a game changer. I can really notice my fitness is increasing every week and my pace is increasing. I find that amazing that at the age of 55 I am probably a faster runner and fitter than I have been since I was at school. Mounjaro has enabled me to get into running in a way I only dreamt of. Running has changed my life, I feel fit, I look much better and feel so much more confident, when I run I look up now, I smile at fellow runners and say hello, something I never had confidence to do six months ago.
It is not only the confidence it has given me and the feeling of euphoria I experience during and after a run, it is the space it gives me just to be in the moment, to be alive, and allow perspective to creep into busy, confusing scary and uncertain world.
I am going to be bold and say Mounjaro and running have saved my life. When I look at pictures of me last June I wonder if how long I had before I had a heart attack if did not start to change my life. I am always going to struggle with my mental health, just like millions of people, but I have found a way to live with it. I found a way to see it as weather and not who I am. I am Matt Smith who has moments of depression. I am not depressed. I am also Matt Smith who loves to run.
