It was like walking through treacle going to work this morning.
My chest was tight, my legs felt like lead, and I had a feeling of impending doom one minute, then a feeling of complete indifference the next.
On at least 2 occasions on my way to work I considered turning around and going home and go back to bed. On both occasions I ignored myself and carried on. It would have been so easy to run back to bed and hide. I was dreading going to work, the thought of speaking to people made me feel sick. But I carried on. I sat on the bus holding back tears, and not knowing why I felt emotional. But I carried on.
As the bus travelled down Anlaby Road I let my mind wander I started to look around me, taking in the different people on the bus, most of them regulars on the bus. Then looking outside of the bus I took in the familiar sites of the K Com Stadium, the church at the end of Boulevard (sorry don’t know what it is called). The sun was shining, it was a beautiful morning. The negative unpleasant feelings had left me.
I arrived at work and walking up the stairs to my office the ruminations and treacle legs started again, until I got inside my office, opened my emails and started work. I was in the moment again away from my negative thoughts.
Throughout the day Foggy and his ruminations have come and gone, on the whole it has been a shitty day. If you asked anyone I met today if they thought I was struggling, they probably would not have noticed. I was determined not to let him rule my day and my life. 2 years ago this would have been the first day of a long run of giving into the depression and taking time off work. Not anymore, they are only feelings, I can let them rule me or I can rule them. I liken it to running, every time I started running it hurts and I want to stop, but I carry on and quite quickly the pain lessens and I can complete my run and reap the benefit.
As I said it is too easy to give into the feelings, but then I would always be a slave to them and never move on. They are just feelings the same as the positive feeling I have, no more or less powerful so why should I pay more attention to them than other feelings.
No doubt tomorrow will be just as bad, but if I don’t give in I know I will have good days very soon.
If you recognise any of this, don’t suffer by yourself, talk to someone, get some support. If you know me, come talk to me, you are not alone. Most of all talk to your Doctor and get some professional help as well as talking to friends and family.