I missed yesterday, I worked a 12 hour shift and just was too tired to write anything when I got in, plus Boris was on the telly when I got in.
Boy a lot has happened since I last wrote an entry. On Sunday after I had finished my entry we raced across to Manchester to pick up my oldest son. His work had finished, and there was no more university. I was pleased and sad to see him at the same time. We were so desperate to have him home and safe, but we felt so desperately sad that he couldn’t continue to live independently, but financially for him it just did not make sense.
I don’t know about you but I had spent the weekend wondering if I had symptoms. Clearly I hadn’t and I was just overthinking everything. This was brought into stark reality yesterday, when I spoke to a number of people over the phone who were clearly showing symptoms of covid-19. On the whole the cough is pretty obvious, the vast majority of them were unable to control their cough and could not get more than two words out before they coughed again. Now I know I don’t have it.
So I have spent 12 hours yesterday and 7 1/2 hours today on the phone to staff, who either have symptoms or have relatives who have symptoms, as well as answering questions of those people who are worried about their loved ones and how they can carry on caring for their patients and the vulnerable people they love. It has been tiring and at times upsetting. Most of all I feel immensely proud to be working in the NHS alongside some incredible people. I hope I am making a difference and helping people to do their jobs caring for our patients. I have learned over recent years to care for myself as well as caring for others. That is one of the reasons for writing this blog. I am also practicing accepting my emotions and letting myself off the hook when I feel frightened. It is important to accept it is normal to be anxious at the moment. These are extraordinary times, and no one really knows what is going to happen next, therefore anxiety is inevitable. This morning I was watching the news eating my breakfast, and I found myself crying, it hit me in a wave of fear. For a moment I wondered how I could possibly be strong enough to go to work. I just let myself cry, I let myself feel scared, it passed after a few minutes and I managed to get my coat on and walk to work. I even managed to take some pictures of my journey.
I got to work and did what I needed to do, just like thousands of other people today.
What I have noticed in myself recently, is that I have become more tolerant during this crisis. I have realised that we are all unsure, we are all experiencing this for the first time, and we are all going to get things wrong at the moment, even though we a trying our best to do the right thing. Rules have changed, or don’t exist and are heads are full of our own worries and concerns. So if things don’t go right at the moment, if some of the government’s guidance and the guidance from managers seems occasionally confusing, please remember we are all doing this for the first time, and we are all scared and want to get it right.
So lets give ourselves and others a break, we will get better at this, so in the meantime be kind.