I missed yesterday, I was too tired and too fed up.
Today is a better day. I have been at work on both days, and both days were spent in the staff drop-ins. Yesterday I felt quite ill. There were times yesterday when I felt really ill and other moments when I felt quite positive. I think in hindsight I pushed myself too hard. I forced myself to be more positive and outgoing than I really felt. When I got home I ran out of energy. My mood was really low and physically I was done in. When I went to bed I was worried that I was getting worse again, and I did wonder if I would end up in hospital. My heart rate was up, I was breathing fast, and I was covered in sweet. My mind was racing and had to count my breathes (my go to mindfulness technique) my breathing started to slow and I managed to get to sleep for a few hours. I woke up after about 4 hours with a headache and a painful chest. My sleep was fitful after that and I still felt terrible.
My alarm went off at 6am and I lay there for a few minutes summing up my courage and energy to get out of bed. I mentally stole myself, pulled myself together and went into autopilot to get ready. I concentrated on the tasks at hand rather than worrying about what I was going to feel like today and what I felt like last night. I got dressed and breathlessly ate my breakfast. I took my time going to the bus stop, and I eased myself into the day, methodically collecting what I needed for our drop-in. Each time I felt ill I took a moment noticed what I was feeling and gave myself a bit of time to recover. I tried to spend as much of the day as possible in the moment and responding to my physical response.
I still feel ill, I still have a painful chest, but I do not feel exhausted as I did yesterday. Yesterday I was not paying attention to myself, today I did.
This virus is teaching me how to be more mindful and how to care for myself. I am great at helping other people learn to care for themselves, I don’t think I was ever that good at doing it for myself. This week I am learning how to show myself some care purely by necessity. My lesson of the day was to be more mindful and really pay attention to what is happening within me and give myself some space and time to recover. I think the most important thing I am learning though is to stop comparing my experience with others and not to expect more from myself than is possible. As Brene Brown would say; “You are enough Matthew.”
Just a short one again today, stay safe and I will catch you all tomorrow.