I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write this today. I thought it might come across as a bit self-indulgent. Then I thought that I have been trying to encourage people to talk about their mental health so I should feel comfortable doing it when I need to. It will help me and it might just encourage someone else to be more open about their struggles.
The past few days have been particularly difficult. Foggy has been particularly active. Doing the usual, like making me feel generally shit about myself. He has also managed to put a cloud over my thoughts, literally making my feelings foggy. Everything has required effort.
So it started Monday morning with a feeling of despondency, I felt completely useless, and everything I did was rubbish. Luckily for most of the morning no one was around, as not only was I intolerant of myself but everyone else as well. When everyone else got I up I decided to go for a run. It worked as it always does, I felt lighter and more positive when I got in. It didn’t last, by early afternoon I was back to being a bear with a sore head.
Tuesday morning was the same on the way to work I hated myself, nothing I was going to do was going to be any good. I did what I always do I let Foggy do his worst on the bus , by the time I got to work he had gone to sleep. While he was quiet I wrote my plan out for the day and the rest of the week and got busy before he could sabotage my day. My mood remained positive for the rest of the day and I was able to be quite productive. In fact when I got home at first I felt really positive and had forgotten how low I had been in the morning. I managed to catch up with Line of Duty after tea and then when it had finished it hit me like a brick wall. I was exhausted, for no obvious reason, as well as feeling so tired I just wanted to cry, I was so desperately sad, and I had no idea why, as well as sad I was intolerant and angry. I went to bed and slept soundly until 3am, then he woke me up telling me how shit I was.
Today has been difficult, all day I have had no confidence in myself. I attended a meeting this morning, and it was torture I just wanted to curl up in a ball for the whole hour and half. I managed to speak and I certain no one noticed, over the years I have got quite good at hiding it. When I got back from the meeting I bumped into a Staff Nurse I needed to speak to about a development plan, that was excruciating, I struggled to think of what I needed to say, it was like pulling teeth (on my part) just to say anything that made sense. Once I got back to my office, the waves of despair and hopelessness started. Thankfully my boss emailed me with a question, and that set my off on a new task that occupied my mind for the rest of the day.
Once I am engaged I can get myself into a mindful state that keeps Foggy at bay without trying to do battle with him.
Now I am home, and he has been back with a vengeance. That is why I thought I would try to write how I feel down.
I am not sure if any of it makes sense. I hope it does.
I think I understand a little more how this Foggy affects me. Normally I can only objectively look at him after he has gone to sleep, but this evening I have been examining him whilst he is awake. As an exercise of getting him to go to sleep it definitely worked.
The hardest thing is accepting the feelings that are generated without any good reason, the only thing I can do when he is around is to grab those moments of mindfulness and know that he will go away again.
That is the difference between now and a year ago, I have a level of optimism that I have more time without him than without him. I just wish he wasn’t here at all.
If you have managed to read this far, I thank you, and anytime you want a sympathetic ear I will be there to listen. Don’t suffer alone.