Connected Coaching

Come on! This is silly! And I am not talking about lockdown. 7 weeks ago today I woke up coughing. Today I woke up coughing. Today is a better day than yesterday granted but come on, I mean WTAF!

I have not written anything for a couple of days, mainly because I did not have anything to say, that I have not already said or was remotely uplifting for you and me, and I have felt crap for the past few days.

Another thing is I have been getting caught up in the news, and shouting at the TV, which is never helpful. What ever our opinion is about how our government, there is not a huge amount we can do about that at the moment, but just store up your opinion and express it, at the ballot box. What we can do is control our response to what is going on around us, and therefore influence the outcome for ourselves.

This morning when I woke up, I was coughing and feeling pretty rough, I wanted to stay in bed and wallow in my self pity. I didn’t I went and stood in the bathroom and had a wash and brushed my teeth whilst feeling sorry for myself. I then got dressed full of self pity. I had a bowl of cornflakes whilst counting my aches and the times I had to stop and cough. I sighed and shuffled taking the dog for a walk to the end of the street, bemoaning the fact I had a headache. I fired up my work laptop without an ounce of enthusiasm. I huffed and puffed whilst opening my emails. I wrote a list of jobs for the morning, replied to a couple of emails. Wrote a kickstarter post for our working from home Facebook group. I started creating a leadership hub for our intranet page. I stared wistfully out of the window, coughed and remembered I had a headache. I found a great leadership website for NHS staff. I had some paracetamol for my headache. I remembered my chest was hurting. I sent off a couple of emails, I scan read a couple of articles for our leadership hub. I uploaded a couple of videos on difficult conversations to the hub. I had an uplifting conversation with my boss. I coughed, my chest hurt, and then my morning was over. I was exhausted, I had got quite a lot done in 4 hours. At the beginning of the day I did not feel like I could do anything. I managed quite a lot. I did not force myself to be positive. I allowed myself to feel what I was feeling but was I was feeling it I got on a did some stuff. The more stuff I did the less time I spent worrying about stuff I cannot do anything about. I got on and did what I needed and wanted to do.

If you feel fed up and out of sorts, allow yourself to feel that, but don’t let it stop you what you need to do. Don’t let your circumstances define you. Life is rubbish some of the time, life is great some of the time. Most of the time it is mish mash of both.

Today has most definitely been a mish mash of both. Embrace the happiness and acknowledge the pain.

Stay home, stay safe, and be a lert if you want.

The sun is gently warming by back, the birdsong is loud a beautiful, a Blue Tit, is busy collecting food from the bird feeder and taking it back to her young. I am having one of those perfect moments.A moment of calm, a moment in the here and now. A moment when I can remember how lucky I am. Lucky to be in this moment on a glorious Saturday morning, sat in my garden in a beautiful part of the world, listening and witnessing nature. Watching the Blue Tit fly the length of the garden and land perfectly on the bird feeder, collect some seed and then swoop off again in a moment.For this moment everything is in perspective, I am not worrying about the future or ruminating over the past, I am just letting the day happen in front of me.My symptoms are still all over the place, so having these moments are so important. Yesterday turned out to be a lovely day. It didn’t start off that way, it started off with me feeling sorry for myself and anticipating a rubbish day feeling rubbish. Then I decided to just take the day as it came. So I made some more scones. I quite like baking now. That kept me in the moment and I felt satisfied that I had achieved something. Then after lunch me and the boys sat on our drive and celebrated VE day with the rest of the street. It was lovely to catch up with neighbours listen to music and chat with my boys. It was a restorative day. A day when we all forgot about what was happening in the world and had a nice time albeit in bizarre circumstances sat in family groups and reminding ourselves to keep a safe distance from other families.Lisa was at work during the day and joined us on the evening and we sat outside until about 11pm.We all needed yesterday to reconnect with each other and give us the fortitude to carry on.

I haven’t made scones since I was at school. It was probably 38 years ago. I know it is hard to believe I have been on this planet more than 40 years.

You can tell can’t you? The gap between baking scones I mean. I don’t think I will be applying for bake off anytime soon. I decided as part of my rehab I would create something so I have been thinking about baking for a while. I love Bake Off, so I thought I would give it a go. Lisa said baking scones is easy so I thought I would give it a go. And it is VE day and the street is holding a social distancing street party in our front gardens, so I thought I would bake scones and we would sit in our garden drinking tea and eating scones and jam. I think I might ask Lisa to buy some scones when she is out shopping.

Anyway it distracted me and got me up and about, and made me smile. I am a bit pooped now though.

All in all it has been quite a creative day so far. We have a Facebook group at work for staff who are working from home, self isolating or are shielded, to keep people connected and part of a community. Yesterday I invited the group to submit artwork of any form and we would create a gallery documenting our experiences and our creativity. Already there are some quite brilliant creations. So this morning after I had done my exercises in the garden I decided to get all arty with my camera on my phone and took a few pictures to go on the gallery. I really enjoyed it I chose 2 pictures that sum up what I feel about our garden. It always feels tranqui and magical and is my connection with nature. About 5 years ago I camped for a month in the garden for charity, so I have a real affection for my garden. I know you want to see my pictures so I will add them at the end.

Being creative, producing something for the sake of it, is so rewarding, especially when there is so much uncertainty. The best thing is you don’t have to be amazing at it, you just have to enjoy it. I might try drawing tomorrow if I can find some pencils and paper. If I do I will let you know how it goes.

Stay home, stay safe.

This is a picture of our insect hotel, complete with cobwebs.

We have a fairy meeting place at the bottom of our garden, luckily I stumbled across a branch meeting, they are very camera shy.

Remember a few days ago I wrote about being resilient during these uncertain times. The first element of resilience as described by Diane Coutu was realism. We have to be realistic about what is within our control and what is a given. I know it seems obvious but how many times do you find yourself getting caught up in the news and worrying about stuff you have no control over.

When I find myself getting overwhelmed by all that is going on I ask myself 3 questions

• Is it something I can control?
• Is it something that is out of my control?
• Is it important?

Now this never stops me getting wound up by want I cannot control, but it soon puts everything in perspective. It also concentrates my mind on what I can control. This week I have been concentrating on returning to work and rehabilitating, stuff that I can control. I can do the exercises and I can build a routine that helps me concentrate on what is important and not worry about what I cannot control.

So when it all gets a bit much ask those 3 questions.

Stay home, and stay safe.

I started back to work again today. This time I am going to try to do it the right way. We have a plan of ramping up my workload over a few weeks, to not to cause anymore setbacks. So for the next few weeks I will be working from home to avoid the commute and allow me to stick to my physio regime and work to my symptoms.

As I keep saying the symptoms appear and disappear, get worse and subside at will. So it is impossible to attempt to predict how work goes. When I started work this morning I felt apprehensive but physically fine. The rest of the morning however was a roller-coaster ride. Trying to compose an email proved exhausting (as is writing this blog so I will keep it short). When I feel like this it is like thinking through treacle, thinking just takes longer, I have to search for words, it is the same when speaking. I have zoomed twice today and on both occasions I felt really conscious that I was much quieter than I would normally be. I could not find the words. Then there is the usual headaches and chest pain.

I logged off at lunchtime and went to do my physio in the garden, luckily my children were in bed (18 and 20 year olds are nocturnal in lock down). A fat man walking on the spot does look quite comical, then doing lunges. I managed it quite well, even if I did feel silly.

Only a few months ago I was running regularly (granted not very fast) and today I was getting sweaty a breathless doing steps.

Now I have this plan and a clear daily routine I feel more positive and more secure. I cannot predict how I feel, but I know I have a routine that I can use as an anchor. I only watch the news once a day. That is helping with my mood. Over the next few days I will hopefully start being useful at work. Today I wrote a blog for our intranet site today, so hopefully I have started to make a difference again. Tomorrow is another day, I don’t know what my symptoms will be like, but I know what I will be doing.

One day I will write a blog about the day the symptoms stopped, and one about the day we all went back to normal and were back moaning about normal stuff like the weather, car parking, traffic and brexit. It will happen.

So stay home, and stay safe. Remember we are all new at this, we won’t get it right all the time. Writing this blog is my way of making sense of it. Speak soon.

I know I have said this quite a few times, but I have never experienced an illness like this. I don’t just mean the physical impact it is having on me which is so unpredictable, ranging from irritating to debilitating in the space of an hour, back to a minor ailment all before lunch. The psychological impact is incredible. The unpredictable nature of the illness for one plays havoc with your wellbeing. One minute I feel well enough to go back to work, the next minute I am contemplating ringing an ambulance. I just don’t know where I am. I have tried to allow myself to be ill but this little shit keeps messing with my head. Then there is the media coverage of the disease, and constant reminders that the disease kills people in particular fat middle aged men. Then there is the helpful fly on the wall coverage of nurses in ICU. All of this sits there in the back of my mind to resurface in the early hours of the morning. Then there is the guilt, the guilt of working in the NHS but being off sick, 5 weeks after the symptoms started. Then on top of that is the emotional wreck this virus has made me.

So I cannot overestimate how much this like nothing I have ever experienced and would want to experience again, so God knows what it must be like to get so sick that you end up in hospital or ICU.

So yes we are just passed the peak, but this is a long long way from over. The next wave if we are not careful and get bored or don’t think it will happen to us, will be much worse. Please stick to the lock down, that is the only way to protect our communities and our economy.

Trust me you do not want to get this or pass it on to a loved one.

Stay home, stay safe, protect you community.

I woke up this morning with sleep in my eyes, and a pain in my chest. Another shit day ahead I thought to myself, well at least I am not coughing my guts up I suppose. I pulled myself together, went to the bathroom and got washed and dressed (routine is everything). I came downstairs and got mine and the dogs breakfast. I opened the curtains and let the day stream into the house, and what a gorgeous day it is. Then I thought…”so my head is spinning, my chest hurts and I feel sick, but look at that sunshine, today is going to be a good day, there is not a huge amount I can do about the symptoms, but I can chose to enjoy the sunshine and make the most of the day.”

As you know I love music, I keep banging on about it on my blog. I also love sharing my music with people. Back in the old days people use to make tapes and share them with each other. I don’t actually remember making a mixtape for my friends, but we use to share our albums with each other and make copies of them. It was always to share those gems you had found, although I think I always got more from these exchanges than my friends did.

In the spirit of sharing music this morning I put together a virtual mixtape for you to enjoy if you wish, in the form of a spotify playlist. If you don’t have spotify and want to play the songs by other means I have listed the songs below (even writing them down makes me smile). I hope you get as much enjoyment from the songs as I do.

• Bamako by Songhoy Blues
• This Love Starved Heart of Mine by The Jaded Hearts Club
• Ulysses by Vialetters
• Island by Speakeasy
• Texas Sun by Khruangbin
• Daft Punk is Playing at My House by LCD Soundsystem
• Linus and Lucy by Vince Guaraldi Trio
• 24 Hour Party People by Happy Monday
• Animal Nitrate by Suede
• Cut Your Hair by Pavement
• Le Freak by Chic
• Intergalactic by Beastie Boys
• Detectorists by Johnny Flynn
• Seven Past Eight by The Froot
• Rosie by Jackson Browne

Please feel free to share music with me. Enjoy, stay home, and stay safe.

I have talked about managing uncertainty a few times before, but as this pandemic continues I think it is important to bring it up again. Uncertainty is the most difficult thing to deal with during this current crisis.

Even though life in whole is uncertain, in normal circumstances we can use our past experiences and our knowledge of our world to project and predict what may happen next. Most of the time this works out, but to be honest if it does not work out how we predict that is fine. It is just that we feel comfortable in a familiar environment in familiar circumstances to be able to project and predict. There is very little at the moment that is familiar, so we have little experience or knowledge to refer to, to come up with predictions, therefore creating uncertainty. Uncertainty makes us feel unsafe and lost.

Coming to terms with uncertainty is incredibly difficult if not impossible. What can help though is to create new structures and patterns in our life. Patterns are where we get our sense of certainty from they give us comfort.

I try to go to bed at the same time as I would normally do if I was at work and try to get up at a similar time. Over the past week I have got dressed as soon as I have woken up and then have my breakfast, then take the dog for a walk. I will then read for a few hours, have my antibiotics and then have lunch, I will then watch a programme on the TV for an hour or so before watching the daily update and preparing tea. I then watch the news, have a wobble and speak to my mum. I will then take the dog for a short walk if I feel up to it, watch some TV and then go to bed. During these uncertain times I have tried to give my day some structure that can more or less remain even if I am not feeling well. This structure gives me comfort, it gives me an anchor to hang on to during the day.

Next week my structure will change slightly as I introduce work and physio rehab into my day, before I return to a more sustained structure in a few weeks, when I return to work full-time.

My life is still full of uncertainty, mainly not knowing how I am going to feel from one day to the next. I have never known an illness quite like this. I have woken up today feeling dreadful, then I have had moments during the day when I have felt fine. I have noticed I have been much more upbeat today, whilst at the same time really struggling with a painful chest and finding it quite difficult to breathe. The pattern of this virus just does not follow anything I have experienced before, therefore I am unable to project and predict how I will feel next week. I am now beginning to accept that level of uncertainty and latch onto the simple structure I have put in place. This is no doubt why I have been feeling upbeat.

Ask yourself what structure does you life have now? How can I build a routine and structure that will help me with my anxiety about the uncertainty? Then build a routine and structure to your day and week.

Have a lovely weekend, stay home, and stay safe.

I am feel better than I did last week but not as well as I was expecting to be, but then again I never thought I would still be recovering 5 weeks after I first started with symptoms. I have waves of feeling really rubbish that last for a couple of hours, I feel OK for a few hours. Once I have finished the course of antibiotics I can start my physio regime. This is taking much longer than I thought, it would. Saying that I am so fortunate that I did not get ill enough to be admitted to hospital. I try not to spend too much time thinking about the what-ifs, but I am reminded every evening on the news when we are told how many people have died and we hear stories about who they were, and then we here the stories of those that have been discharged from Intensive Care. I generally have my wobble about then. I am sure I am not alone.

So the 6pm news is my hippo time. The time I think of the what if, them time when I get scared, the time when I blow things out of proportion. At 6:30 everyday I speak to my mum. Sometimes we might have a bit of a wobble together. Most of the time though we talk about how I am feeling and we talk about how she is. In those moments everyday everything is put into proportion. In those moments I am talking to my Mum and as Mum’s do she makes it better. Not because she does anything in particular other than making me feel safe. My mum makes sure I don’t stay in hippo time, she puts everything in to perspective just by being my Mum.

Well I didn’t expect today’s post to go that way. But I suppose that is what has been sitting in the back of my mind, as it is now doubt in the back of a lot of peoples’ minds. I needed to talk about it, so that is why it came out in my blog. Stuff often does come out in my blogs. Writing it down for me helps me sort out my emotions. We all find a way to manage our emotions, to understand them and articulate them. It is so important during these testing times that you find a way to do that, that suites you. Some people like to talk, I prefer to write it down and work it through in my head. Some people need to be creative, either artistically or more practical ways like cleaning, decorating, gardening. Something that gives you the head space to calm your thoughts and put them in order. If you struggle to do that, there is a lot of help online such as

https://www.nhs.uk/oneyou/every-mind-matters/coronavirus-covid-19-staying-at-home-tips/

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/coronavirus/coronavirus-and-your-wellbeing/

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/for-children-and-young-people/coronavirus/coronavirus-and-your-wellbeing/

Stay home, stay safe, and take care of yourself and each other.