Connected Coaching

Another day of feeling pants. Washed out, aching, tired, and detached from the world.

There have been positives, I was rung by a physio and had a telephone assessment and she sent me my exercise regimes, which I can start once I have finished my antibiotics.

We all had a moment to reflect and remember, healthcare workers, carers, bus drivers, shop workers and other key workers. People who should not die because of the job they do. This is so terrible, I am not sure if it is a scandal or if it is just a terrible tragedy. We can take stock and ask questions later. For now we need to mourn and carry on living and making a better future.

So I started today feeling sorry for myself and a little anxious. Now I am determined to recover, but recover fully so I can make a difference. I also felt it is important to continue to write this blog, to help me and maybe some of you make sense of what is happening to us, not get bogged by what we cannot change and take action over what we can change.

With that in mind I decided to use something other than myself to support my wellbeing. This morning before I got out of bed I could feel my demon returning. For those of you that have read my blogs over the years will know I call my demon Foggy. Foggy is my depression, my black dog. I noticed him for the first time in a while this morning. He is always around but recently he has been irrelevant and rather ridiculous. This morning he was dark and menacing and had a much loader voice. I managed to shrug him off this morning by paying him attention and letting him drift into the background. But I know this could become an issue. I know I need to quieten my mind, and create some perspective on what is real and what is just a perceived worry or regret. Through the NHS we have access to the Headspace app. This is something I used a few years ago with good effect alongside exercise and positive activities. So I downloaded it and started using it. Even just one session helped me calm my thoughts and bring me into the present.

If you have a smart phone the Headspace app is worth searching for in the app store. If you have an NHS email it is free to use and if not then you get 14 days free anyway. There are lots of other mindfulness apps it is always worth checking the apps against mental health websites such as Mind as they will always recommend worthwhile apps.

If you do suffer from mental health problems though it is important that you seek professional support. Support is still out there regardless of COVID-19.

Stay home, stay safe, and look after yourselves.

It has been 5 weeks since my symptoms started, I have had a few false dawns when I thought I had recovered. Last night I had a rubbish night, I woke with a headache again, I have been coughing ever since. I don’t feel as ill as I did yesterday, my appetite is still off.

In spite of this I am feeling positive, I had a phone call from occupational health who have done an amazing job and arranged an assessment and hopefully a rehab programme. I also had a telephone appointment with my GP who is starting me on antibiotics. It feels like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

When I got up this morning I did not think I was going to write a blog today. I did not think I had anything worth saying. I was getting fed up of saying the same thing over and over again. I was running out positive helpful things to say. Then I had the phone call from the wonderful Maureen from our Occupational Health Dept and she made my day. It is not a quick fix, but it is the start of me taking more control over my recovery.

I am celebrating by watching re-runs of Spooks on the BBC i-Player. Anyway back to MI5, stay home, stay safe.

I woke up about 4ish with a headache, and I just can’t shift it. My head feels like it is full of cotton wool. I thought taking the dog for a walk and getting some fresh air might clear my head. It hasn’t! My chest feels tighter today too. I am hoping as the day wears on I will start to feel brighter and feel like sitting in the garden and doing some reading.

This morning I am going through some old favourites on Spotify to raise my mood. I have been doing this challenge on Facebook to post the covers of 10 albums that influenced your musical taste. This morning I chose Thing Fish by Frank Zappa (if you are easily offended please avoid this album at all costs). This got me thinking about the rest of his back catalogue, and all his albums I loved, so I am currently listening to one of my favourites “The Man From Utopia”, which is a little more (only just) accessible than Thing Fish. I know with a thick head Frank Zappa seems a strange choice as his music is not the easiest to listen to, but songs like “The Dangerous Kitchen” just make me smile. As I have mentioned many times I use music to mirror or lift my spirits when I am struggling. Today is a Frank Zappa kind of day. A day to get lost in the ridiculous and slightly offensive lyrics, and remember being a teenager and hearing them for the first time. I remember when my brother first introduced me to Frank Zappa, I was about 15 so it was about 3 years after Thing Fish was released, he gave me a tape of Thing Fish and Joe’s Garage and said listen to these, you will love them, but don’t let Mum hear them.

Anyway this reminiscing and listening to Zappa has cheered me up, and the sun has come out. Have a good Sunday everybody.

Stay home, stay safe. Speak to you all tomorrow.

It’s 7:30 am on a Saturday morning, I have been up about 30 minutes, after another fitful sleep. The dog was pleased to see me get up, until I fed her and now she has moved on to laying near her treat cupboard in the vain hope that biscuit may suddenly appear. I initially put the TV on for the news headlines, after about 5 minutes of wittering that did not resemble anything remotely news I put BBC Radio 6 Music, in anticipation of the Radcliffe and Maconie show at 8 am (the highlight of my weekend, is reading the paper and listening to Rad Mac). When I put the radio on Dragonball Durag was playing, now if you read yesterday’s blog you will know that, that very song was playing yesterday morning. Baxter Dury is now on the radio being interviewed (Baxter is one of my favourite artists, and the son of the late great Ian Dury)so I am a happy bunny as they finish the interview and play Miami. This is almost a perfect Saturday morning, if it wasn’t for the pain in my chest.

I have done my breathing exercises this morning, as recommended by the Occupational Health Nurse yesterday as part of my rehabilitation programme. They encourage me to breathe more deeply, they as you would expect made me cough. I cough anyway, so I am hoping they will get my lungs moving more effectively and these headaches will go away. Once I am dressed I will take the dog for a walk as part of my regime. I now go for 2 short walks of about 200 metres to start with. When I am writing this I am telling myself that I was doing more than that last week! Then I remember how breathless I constantly felt and how bad those headaches were. All I was doing last week and the week before was trying to carry on regardless. The Nurse yesterday told me to allow myself to be ill. Something that a lot of people have been saying recently, but I didn’t hear them.

Anyway this has taken me 40 minutes to write and Rad Mac has started on the radio, so stay home, stay safe and have a pleasant weekend.

Dragonball Durag by Thundercat is playing on the radio, my head is gently throbbing, as I sit on my sofa in my front room in locked down suburbia. The sun shines in through the partially obscured window. Obscured with the curtain to stop the sun shining in my eyes. The occasional dog walker goes past the window, I imagine I will see a few joggers in a minute, they generally pass every 5 minutes between the hours of 8am and 7pm. Later there will be the family walking parties with children on scooters or bikes. They all still look lost and slightly confused and nervous. We are all still trying to practice these new rules not quite sure whether they will become the new normal or being a passing fade.

 I have noticed on social media and the TV that the social distancing rule (which is not really a rule, but just a suggestion) is being followed less and less. A month in and we are beginning to drift from what was prescribed to old habits. People are starting to go out more, according to The Times yesterday traffic is increasing on the roads and some businesses are beginning to open up. This is what happens when leadership is unclear, when we are not reminded to continue to practice new habits, our old habits creep in. Some people will exercise personal leadership and notice that old habits are creeping back and remind themselves that they have a new habit now. The problem is that if the reason for the new habit is not clear then we are all less inclined to stick to the new habit. Well we all get told the reason for social distancing and avoiding unnecessary travel, and yet we still find it difficult to achieve, or some of us do. What we have a problem with is purpose. The purpose of the restrictions we all completely understand and accept, however for many of us it is at odds with our view of how the world works and ultimately our own purpose. Modern society values, wealth, social status, and social connection. We have been brought up exposed to these values, many of us accept these as our own, some of us don’t, but still accept that these values are important to all of us. The current situation in the short term is at odds with these values. This maybe an explanation for why there is this clamour to return to normal as soon as possible to return the status quo, to stabilise the economies of the world. We all need to earn money, to maintain our physiological and safety needs as Maslow put it, to provide shelter and sustenance. Also maintaining status and having a social network are vital to existence. This is in the short-term, the problem is however, that if we ignore the devastating impact this virus could have on our species, then we put the long term security of our species at risk, just to ensure that we can keep our status and wealth. 

During the 1918 Spanish Flu Pandemic cities in the US that stayed locked down longer and protected their populations recovered economically much quicker than those that opened up earlier who suffered a far worse second wave of the virus. 

I suppose we have a choice of having a short-term view and risk a devastating prolonged pandemic that kills many millions of people, and may well destroy our much loved modern society or keep disciplined take the substantial short term pain, to maintain as near as possible society to what we have now.

I said yesterday I would not write anything again until I had something positive to say. Well I do have something positive to say…. Thank you!

The messages of support I got yesterday lifted my spirits. I was overwhelmed by the kindness ad generosity of spirit expressed by strangers and friends a like. So thank you all so much.

Today is a better day because you made it better when I read your messages this morning and last night.

I do not feel as ill today, no doubt because I have done sod all. I have watched a couple of rubbish films on the TV, read a bit of my book and had a nap. I am now sat in the garden, listening to the birds chatter, and various people in the area doing DIY (I can hear drills and hammers in the background). I have brought my book out in the hope I might get some reading done, but I am finding it hard to concentrate (this is taking me ages to write).

My cough is not as troubling today and I have not been overly breathless. I am breathing as deeply as normal and my lungs hurt still. I still have a dull ache in my head and I feel so tired. I felt quite dizzy earlier and when I filled the dishwasher earlier I felt nauseated again. So walking more than a few hundred yards or standing for more than 5 minutes is still unpleasant, not impossible just unpleasant.

Ben is up in his room practicing a Vialetters song by playing along to one of their recordings. It is wonderful to hear. It is such a shame that they are not able to play live at the moment (in case you didn’t know my eldest son Ben is the bass player in Vialetters who play a lot in Hull, their music is on Spotify, Apple Music and the likes). In the next bedroom I can hear Jack is just starting to play his guitar. Jack is in a band too called Speak Easy, they had just started playing and booking gigs and then the pandemic happened. During the lock down they have started playing together and creating some music, that they have put on Sound cloud.

I love music and I am so pleased that they have both discovered their love for music, and both create music.

I may feel physically rubbish but my spirits have been lifted today by the kindness of others and the talent of my sons.

Stay in, stay safe and see or speak to you all soon.

I didn’t write an update yesterday, and today’s is going to be very short. Yesterday my symptoms came back with a vengeance. I went to work but did not last long. I felt a little off first thing but thought it was just morning grogginess. After a couple of hours I was quite breathless, had waves of nausea, and felt dizzy. I went home, the cough then started and just got worse and worse throughout the day. At one point I felt as bad as I have ever felt.

Today I have coughed felt dizzy and have been extremely tired. Today is day 28! It has been a month! I am sorry I cannot think of anything positive to say today. My lungs hurt and I am thoroughly fed up.

I am not going to write any blog updates for a bit until I have something more positive to say.

Stay in, stay safe.

I have had symptoms now for nearly a month. Today I barely noticed them. I had a headache, and was breathless from time to time, but I was so busy doing what I love that they paled into insignificance.

Today we went out to talk to staff and give them hand cream, lip balm, and other goodies donated by companies and individuals ( all using appropriate social distancing). So we talked to them about what they are experiencing at work and outside of work. It was lovely putting a smile on people’s faces. At last I feel like I am making a difference. Tomorrow I will start making up resource boxes for teams, wards and departments, as we recognise not everyone can leave their department but also need some space to rest and receive those gifts given in appreciation of all their hardwork.

One member of staff said to to me that it was lovely know we are there for them to talk to and that people care for them. I felt so privileged today, that I could do something that made a small difference to a small group of people. I feel like I got my mojo back today. If I am honest I was a little overwhelmed last week, and I was experiencing quite a lot of fatigue. Obviously I am going to keep an eye on my symptoms, I have after all I have felt better before, only to feel rubbish the next day. I will take it easy tomorrow (I promise mum). I am however really looking forward to going to work tomorrow, that is the first time since getting ill that I have not worried about being up to it.

Oh and the sun is shining, the birds are singing and the cherry blossom is blooming.

Stay safe, stay in and remember by staying home you are doing your bit.

Today I had planned to be running in the Hull 10K, along with thousands of other people. Instead I have cut the grass. I think I was probably as knackered after cutting the grass as I would have been had I run the 10K.

Yesterday I felt nearly normal, well today I cannot say that, the cough is back today, and so is the headache, especially after the grass cutting. Saying that I feel so much better than I did a few weeks ago. I suppose I am just impatient and want to be back to normal. So I am reminding myself again today to listen to my body and take it easy. After putting the chicken in the oven I have sat in front of the TV watching Bridge Over The River Kwai. That took me back to my childhood of watching the Sunday matinee film on BBC1 after lunch, it was always a war film or a western. It was nice to spend a moment reminiscing about my childhood.

Even though it did wear me out, being outside cutting the grass was glorious. When I wasn’t making a racket with the lawnmower it was wonderful to hear the birds singing so loudly, now there is so little traffic noise. Being in the moment and appreciating what around you is so important. The news and social media can dominate our lives at the moment and today I have found myself shouting at the computer and TV today. So just simply spending time in the garden or looking out of the window and seeing the sunshine is so important.

I am trying not to be overly optimistic or pessimistic. Both states of mind take us away from the here and now and projects us into a future that is very uncertain. If we spend too much time there we are less likely to be able to influence it. If however we spend time in the present we are able to make a difference now which will influence our future. Staying healthy and spending more time at home than anywhere else is making a difference for the here and now and for all our futures. If you get the urge to go and buy something from the shops, whether that is a bottle of wine or some treats, ask yourself is it worth putting your own or someone else’s future at risk. A cheeky trip to the shop on a daily basis is not cheeky at all, it is selfish and irresponsible. Try to go shopping at least once a week, and only make supplementary trips in an emergency. Staying at home for many of us is quite possibly the most important activity you will do in your life.

Make a difference, stay home, stay safe. See you all tomorrow