I have felt exhausted this week! It has not been exceptionally busy for me this week, I think it has just been a cumulative effect. Since Christmas it has felt a bit like a whirlwind. Planning and delivering bitesize leading through COVID training, running management clinics, providing staff support drop ins around the hospital for various teams, offering a lot of one to one coaching for people and learning about team coaching.
It has been amazing and I have learned so much about myself, the resilience of our amazing healthcare professionals and leadership. In fact I have I have been so inspired, that as mentioned in last weeks blog I have started a project collecting reflections of leadership through this crisis. If I had thought about embarking on this project carefully I would never have started it. The work involved makes me feel a little sick. But then the stories are so inspirational that they are worth the effort. After hearing one of them last night I felt energised, and so privileged to have heard it, and most importantly privileged to know the person sharing their story.
So I know I need the rest, and boy was I tired yesterday, by 2pm I was ready to go home, but I had a meeting to attend at 3. A really important that I was keen to be a part of, but it did tatie up a huge amount of energy to get through it. I so wanted to be enthusiastic but I felt so flat. I had nothing left to give. I was so pleased to get home, and have our Friday Takeaway treat, followed by that inspirational interview. Listening to her story recharged me, the words were washing over me, and inspiring me to keep my purpose clear. So thank you.
Myself and Lisa have been watching Homeland from the beginning on Netflix and we are now on to Season 8, so we sat down for the rest of the evening absorbed in the world of Carrie and Saul and all things espionage.
I slept really well last night, and have woken this morning rested, and looking forward to another 2 interviews. Then a week of interviews and birthday celebrations ahead, albeit in a lockdown. Yes it is my birthday this week, believe it or not I am 50, I know difficult to believe. I don’t mind being in lockdown, to be honest I am just looking forward to chilling out for the week.
Stay safe, and be kind to both yourself and others.
About 2 weeks ago now I was listening to Brene Brown’s Dare to Lead Podcast (of course I was). She was talking to Sarah Lewis (a writer and academic) about her book “The Rise: Creativity, the Gift of Failure and the Search for Mastery. I have not read it, but with that title it is certainly on my list. What grabbed my attention was their conversation about the chapter on surrendering. Surrendering!? It is one of those words like vulnerable that makes me stop and think. Hearing Sarah talk about surrendering had the exact same impact hearing Brene talk about vulnerability had on me. My mindset took me to surrendering is weakness, surrendering tells the world that you are not strong enough to do something. Just like vulnerability it made me stop and listen to what her take was on this, I was drawn to the discomfort I was feeling and the apparent contradiction that surrendering could be a good thing. Surrendering like being vulnerable is a strength, it’s an attribute, not a flaw or a weakness. Surrendering can make you vulnerable, for a moment, but allows you to concentrate on what is important and what you can control. Let me explain by telling you the story of my week.
Last week, was much like most weeks at the moment, I spend part of my time working from home and part of my time in the office. I juggle my time between, running the coaching and mentoring network, providing staff support (listening to people’s stories about what is challenging them, and giving them space), delivering leadership training, and planning for the future. So like all of us pretty full on. I am not doing any of this in a way that I would like, it is either via video meeting platforms, telephone, emails or socially distanced conversations wearing masks. My work seems to be full of problems and difficulties, many of the conversations I have with people are serious and purposeful, and are often interrupted with technical issues. On top of that I have not seen friends or family for months, like most of us. I miss human contact, I love shaking hands, giving people a hug, and generally being close to people. I am pretty certain most if not all of you will recognise my frustration, and sadness. These are all common themes, and no doubt there are many more problems you are encountering. They all add to reducing our bandwidth and colouring the view we have of our world. By Wednesday and Thursday I was feeling really quite low. Negative thoughts were flooding my brain, and making it almost impossible to see anything in a positive light. For those of you that know me you will remember Foggy (my name for my depression), well he was back and causing chaos. On Thursday morning I remembered listening to Sarah Lewis talk about surrender, and surrendering to parts of your life that you cannot control. Surrendering to the fact that you don’t have all the answers and and you cannot solve everything that is in your sphere. We have to surrender to the fact that sometimes life is shit, and things don’t always work out, and just because we cannot solve or influence things right now does not mean that we are less. Throwing our hands in the air and surrendering allows others to help, and allows you to concentrate on what you can do.
So that is what I did. I first surrendered to the fact that Foggy was in my head, and I felt sad, anxious, angry and irritated, for a number of different things that I can do little about at the moment. I allowed myself to feel those emotions. I recognised the route of these emotions and I was perfectly entitled to feel that way. Fighting the emotions and trying to deny them just made me worse. After a few hours of surrendering and wallowing I started to feel better. The strong emotions started to pass. I could then examine the route to these emotions, which was the effects of the pandemic on my working patterns and my social life. I could then start to look at what I could adjust and what I could not. It also gave me the time to explore the purpose for all of my activities and give them a rating of importance. Now this is all a work in progress, and I no doubt will be examining this for sometime. But what surrendering does is allow you to control what you can, and adjust your mindset towards stuff you cannot. I can now see my world how it really is. All our worlds are neither wholly wonderful or wholly terrible. Our world is a spectrum, and throughout our lives we will experience all aspects of it. We have to surrender to this and see that all of it is helpful even the most challenging aspects of it.
Surrender to your world accept it for what it is and start embracing your journey rather than racing towards your destination and missing the views.
I don’t think there has been such a widespread prolonged crisis in our lifetime, probably not since World War II. Reflecting and understanding the impact on our leadership is essential for the health, wealth and well-being of our populations. So that has got me thinking about a project.
As part of my work as Coaching and Mentoring Lead, I have been running fortnightly management clinics. During these clinics I ask 4 reflective questions, that the wonderful Janis (my friend and mentor) gave me. I have found these questions immensely helpful with managers working through their experience and helping them begin to make sense of what is happening to them. This sense making helps them make plans for the immediate future.
After yesterday’s clinic I started to consider what we could all learn collectively about our leadership experiences, and could this reflection change the way we see leadership and help us inform future strategies as our world shifts. So this morning I decided to put together a project based on those 4 simple questions.
The project will involve a semi-structured interview conducted via zoom. The 4 questions will provide the loose structure that leads to further discussion. The zoom interviews will be one to one and will be recorded to allow me to transcribe the content.
So I am looking for leaders from a variety of sectors and backgrounds and with a variety of experience.
If you are interested in taking part, no matter where you are in the world then please get in touch. My email is email@example.com
Over the past few weeks I have been talking to some of our amazing Senior Nurses where I work about having difficult conversations with colleagues, team members, relatives and patients.
Now Senior Nurses are no strangers to difficult conversations, and are very accomplished at delivering emotionally charged messages to staff, relatives and patients. So why spend time talking to them about this subject if they are so experienced? Well I suppose it is obvious if you think about it for a moment. For about a year now we have all been put under a lot of pressure. Our lives and in some cases our livelihoods have been impacted by COVID-19. Having difficult conversations are now more the norm than the exception. On top of that we all have worries about, health, wealth and well-being that narrow our bandwidth and reduce our capacity to have measured, compassionate, direct conversations effectively. So that is why we were having a conversation about difficult conversations, because we all need to pay more attention now on how we impact on others, for all the reasons highlighted above.
When I was reflected on my week this morning, I wondered how many other people might be struggling with this particular aspect of COVID life. So I thought I might share with you some of the strategies I shared with my colleagues. Now you want get the rich conversation and shared stories, but you will get the headlines that hopefully will promote rich conversations with your colleagues. If you work at Hull University Teaching Hospital, then book on my Having Difficult Conversations webinar via the usual route. If you don’t and want to know more, email me (firstname.lastname@example.org).
The first thing to do before starting a conversation that is important as well as potentially difficult is to prepare.
Remember the old saying…”fail to prepare, then prepare to fail”. Or something like that, but you get the idea.
What is the purpose of the conversation
Be clear what you want from the conversation. This seems obvious but not always articulated. Sometimes a difficult conversation can be based on a visceral reaction (something we will cover later), so it is important to explicitly tell yourself what it is you want to achieve. Is it to raise the other person’s awareness, raise your own awareness, improve performance, or to promote action? If this conversation is particularly important it might be worth writing it down. If you write it down you can check if it actually makes sense and is really what you want to achieve. Getting your thoughts out of your head and on to paper, will help you make sense of what it is you want, and by reading it back to yourself you can check on how reasonable your thoughts are. Writing it out will help you refine your purpose and reduce the emotion that might be colouring your reasoning.
Gather all the information you need
Make sure you have all the information you need before starting the conversation. You might not be able to get all the information you will end up needing, but it is important to gather as much as you anticipate you will need. Be sure to separate facts from opinion. Be wary of taking opinion into the conversation, as this will encourage judgement and assessment, before the other party has had chance to hear the facts and add to them. It is important that we enter into any conversation in a position where we a able to listen to understand. Being armed with facts allows us to be more curious, and objective, and therefore encourages us to listen.
Prepare your mindset
Start by shifting your view of the conversation from a hurdle to a resource. When setting out your purpose it is important to see this not as something to be endured but something that will add something to your experience. Remember that the feelings of discomfort you are experiencing have more to do with you worrying about your performance than the impact on the other person. It is also worth remembering that if you behave emotionally, then this is likely to be matched by the other person, resulting in an unpredictable outcome. Therefore recognising the need for emotional regulation is essential.
Skills and Behaviours
To increase the likelihood of a successful conversation it is important to adopt certain skills and behaviours. The most wonderful thing about these skills and behaviours is that they are incredibly useful for any conversation that has a purpose.
The best way to persuade others is with our ears. If we want to get the most out of this conversation and ensure there is a helpful outcome from it, it is essential to listen to what they say without judgement. To listen without judgement we must listen actively. Active listening encourages greater understanding and raised awareness for both parties. Here are just a few techniques that will enhance your listening:
Reflecting: This is when you repeat back to them exactly what they have said. This helps clarify what they mean and can be especially useful if they are using pressure words or being self critical. It is important to turn the statement into a question though. “You are rubbish at mathematics?”
Paraphrasing: Again used to clarify understanding, but can be used to create depth of understanding by using your own words to describe what they have said. They may have said…”I don’t seem to be able to build rapport with new people”. Your response might be… “So are you saying that you struggle starting new relationships?”
Summarising: When they have finished a section of their story it is often useful to summarise what they have said to stimulate more thought and to show that you are interested in what they are saying. I might use headlines such as…”so in summary building relationships has been hard, but you feel you are progressing well, you also tell me that some people are making life hard for you, is that right?”
At this point I just want to share with you a quote that I think will demonstrate the importance of hearing what the other person has to say.
“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable” David Augsberger
“Empathy is a way to connect to the emotion another person is experiencing; it doesn’t require that we have experienced the same situation they are going through.” Brene Brown
Empathy is such an important skill to use when having a difficult conversation, and the most wonderful thing is, that it is a natural by-product of active listening. If you are really hearing what they are saying you will show empathy. When you are paraphrasing and summarising you will articulate what you understand to be their emotion. “You tell me that you struggle starting new relationships, that sounds like it would make you feel isolated?” Showing empathy allows you to get it wrong, the critical aspect of empathy is listening and trying to understand their emotion. So if you get it wrong the other person will pick up on your genuine interest to understand their emotion and correct you. Comfortable use of empathy creates such a strong connection that it is very hard not to have a helpful outcome from your conversation.
Regulate your emotion
The first thing to do is recognise when you enter into a stressful situation, you amygdala (the part of your brain that regulates your threat response) will hijack you. You will lose access to your pre-frontal cortex (the part of your brain that controls reasoning). This is why it is vital to prepare for a difficult conversation, to be clear what the purpose is and that you have your facts straight. This will go some way to calm your amygdala.
If you are experiencing an acute stress response before or during the conversation, then square breathing can be really helpful. Or to be honest any kind of controlled breathing technique will be useful. I use square breathing. Which is; breath in for a count of 4, hold for a count of 4, breath out for a count of 4, and hold for a count of 4. Repeat until you start to notice your heart rate drop. Breathing techniques work by bringing you into the present, rather than worrying about the future or regretting the past.
When you are preparing for the conversations notice if you have cast yourself as the victim in this situation and cast them as the villain. Are you making statements like: “I have been supportive and kind there is nothing else I can do.” “They had every opportunity to make it right, they just don’t care enough.” If you do then try seeing yourself as an actor and them as humans in this situation. Ask yourself; “What am I pretending not to know about my role in this?” “Why would a reasonable , rational, decent person do what they are doing?”
When regulating our emotions it is important to label thoughts as thoughts and emotions as emotions. If you remember when preparing for conversations I suggested that you are clear what is fact and what is opinion this strategy can be very useful. Instead of saying, they are always resistant to change, they are so irritating, say I think they are resistant to change and that makes me feel irritated.
Using these techniques to regulate your emotion will help you prevent the amygdala hijack and reduce the risk of the conversation degenerating into an unhelpful argument.
Tell it how it is, with compassion
Don’t go around the houses. Be clear what it is want to say, then say it. Leave opinion, and conclusions out. Use active listening and empathy to understand their view and emotion. Articulate your emotion, allow them to listen and show empathy to you.
Being clear is being kind, we also must allow them to do the same, there is then a much greater chance of getting your message heard and creating a helpful outcome.
Remember we are all human
The other person :
has beliefs, perspectives and opinions just like you
has hopes, anxieties, and vulnerabilities just like you
has friends and family just like you
wants to feel respected, appreciated, and competent just like you
wishes for peace, joy and happiness just like you
Stay safe everyone and be kind to yourself and others.
Well January is not quite finished but it feels 2021 is going to be even more challenging than 2020.
We are all so tired! We are tired of restrictions, tired of mixed messages, tired of bad news, tired of having our hopes for a brighter future dashed.
The other week I was talking to a young apprentice, as he was relaying his story to me I started to feel hopeful. He told me a story of extraordinary maturity, and selflessness, and kindness and determination, tinged with sadness and anxiousness. I will admit I had a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye. On the face of it his story seemed extraordinary, but in reality it wasn’t. I am sure if we bothered to listen to all the young people around us we would hear similar stories, and not just from people working in healthcare. I was hopeful because his story is a common story, it means our future is in safe hands the people charged with all our futures (the young) are wonderful, the people delivering our care, providing transport, delivering our goods, and those working in our shops are all incredible. Collectively we are amazing.
What was distressing about this young man’s story was that he felt isolated and ignored, his elders were not hearing and understanding his concerns and uncertainty. He was beginning to feel disillusioned. He felt unloved, and that if I am honest that broke my heart. This young man is not quite an adult, he like the vast majority of his generation and to be honest most of the rest of us (including those that are not hearing him) are doing their best. It made me wonder how many of us are feeling like this. After speaking to a variety of people across the hospital, my feeling is that everyone is so busy trying to do the best they can in such a busy, uncertain world, that our bandwidth has dramatically reduced. As a result of that we have less time for people around us especially colleagues and loved ones. I am seeing this especially acutely amongst leaders who are finding it increasingly challenging to provide their staff with that listening ear. They are reporting they have nothing else to give, their buckets of compassion are running empty.
I spent an hour yesterday listening to two wonderful colleagues that felt just like that. They had nothing else to give. Both of them would never normally seek support in this way, but something told them that they needed to see what was out there for them to continue to be the compassionate leaders they were. So they joined me on a call having never met each other before, after an hour thy both felt restored. They had shared stories, and heard each other’s concerns, and challenges. Despite them doing very different jobs they were surprised how much they had in common. They both noted that hearing other people talk about worries they shared with them was really helpful. The biggest impact on them was being heard. No solutions were offered, no advice was shared, all he did was listen and understand each other.
Going back to the young apprentice, when we were talking I never offered any advice, I never suggested a course of action, all I did was listen to him, and asked questions to understand what was happening to him. In the end I validated his experience, by sharing my view of the world at the moment. It is not a controversial view, far from it. I suggested that we are all experiencing the most challenging time any of us have ever experienced, and I invited him to appreciate how he is performing during this time, and how everyone is performing, after all no one has ever experienced anything like this. By hearing him and helping him provide context to his experience, I could hear him shift in his mood.
We all need to be heard, we need to feel appreciated and understood, it connects us to our community. We are the most social species, not sharing experiences and learning from each other is detrimental for our health. Make time for each other in your circles, at home and at work. Listen to each other, listen to understand their experience, and find people that will do the same for you. If you lead people make sure you have time a space to be heard, to talk through what is happening to you, to help you make sense. Employing a coach or using someone in your organisation with coaching skills is vital to maintain your leadership skills and ultimately attend to your teams effectively so they feel heard.
If you are interested in being coached or want to learn more about understanding the listening skills that underpin coaching, for you to use with your teams get in touch via email email@example.com and we can arrange a solution that meets your needs.
I am hosting a webinar to explore how to shift your mindset to create a more flexible approach to life and business that will help you build resilience, agility and innovation in a volatile world. Click on the link below to book yourself a place.
I doubt if many of us have had a Christmas quite like this. I suppose most of us have had difficult times during Christmas, to varying degrees, but this year feels different. There is a collective difficulty this year, so even if we are not directly affected, we are still surrounded by news of the pandemic and its effects.
Normally during this time of year I would be starting to feel excited about Christmas, there would normally be a buzz in the air. This year it feels a little flat. A few weeks ago there was an air of optimism in the country, the vaccine was being rolled out, Christmas as coming and we were being told we could have a few days to see family if we wanted to and just catch up and recharge, with the prospect of this beginning to come to an end during 2021. Last weekend the mood shifted, parts of the south went into further restrictions, we were told that there was a new variant of the virus that appeared to spread more easily, our chances to meet our families of Christmas was drastically reduced. Then over the past few days we hear that most of the world is imposing travel bans and we saw pictures of lorry drivers in Dover waiting to hear if they could get home to see their loved ones for Christmas. On top of that we see the numbers of infections start to rise again, and the number of patients in our hospitals start to go up. Our hope and optimism dashed, and the buzz for Christmas fades.
Now as with most of my blogs I generally write them to help me work through my emotions. So I am feeling fed up, and sad about Christmas for all those people who are sick or stuck in the cab of a lorry, or sat at home by themselves, even for those of us that would normally be out down the pub, or in a restaurant spending time with our friends. How can I view this differently how can I shift some of the hindering thoughts about this Christmas into helpful thoughts that will shift my response to what is going on around me and give me a better outcome?
When I was coming home from work yesterday I was listening to BBC Radio 5 Live, and they had a Behavioural Psychologist on talking about this very thing, and she made a point that reminded me of something I had read a year or so ago on Acceptance Commitment Therapy by Russell Harris. In a nutshell they both said allow yourself to be upset, frustrated, sad, or angry about the fact that Christmas is not want you wanted it to be. I don’t know about you but I seem to have a default setting that says I have to be happy, I have to be pain free, and this is especially acute round Christmas time. Christmas is a time of joy! That is what we are told from a very young age. Therefore, if you are feeling miserable at Christmas it can come with a degree of guilt. As I am writing this I have just thought of a name for this guilt, the “A Christmas Carol Complex”. So it is all Dickens’ fault. Christmas day after all is just a day as like any other, only us in modern (post 1840s) western society that have turned it into such a big event, that lasts for over a month.
Don’t get me wrong I love Christmas, I love getting presents, I love eating and drinking and spending time with friends and family as we all do. But should we feel that we have to be happy every year? This year I am going to allow myself to be sad, to feel deflated if that is how I feel. Right now that is how I feel. But then again even when I am feeling sad, there are often points in the day when I feel happy, when something makes me smile. Russell Harris suggests that we make room in our minds for what makes us sad, give it space, hear what it has to say. Sadness, anger and frustration are normal useful, functional emotions and deserve our attention. So we shouldn’t push these emotions away, we should acknowledge them. On the flipside that means we should do the same for joy, happiness, love, and contentment.
Every day I look for what gives me joy, I note it, and I am grateful for it. So Christmas will not be as it always is. Christmas will have moments of sadness, maybe anger, but it will have moments of joy, laughter, and love. Seek those moments out, and cherish them. Make the most of opportunities you have, whether that is a time for quiet, restful reflection, time with family, going for a walk, or exercise, volunteering, working, whatever it is seek out those moments that make your heart sing, even if it is short lived.
We can all feel happy and sad, interchangeably throughout a day so let yourself off the hook, sit with your emotions and have the best possible Christmas you can have.
Earlier in the week I wrote this blog for my work page. Look at the world from a different point of view is something people often suggest, but is always easier to say than put in to practice. So here is my offer of an approach that may help if not a little strange.
As a coach I talk and write about shifting our perspectives and reframing what is happening to us, and sometimes (ironically) I forget to see it from the perspective of people that are not used to seeing the world from another angle. How bad is that! A perspective shifter failing to shift his perspective. I suppose that is the point really. Shifting our perspective is not a default reflex therefore it requires a conscious effort.
That is a shame as shifting our point of view is more important now than ever before. It is so hard to get stuck in a negative, unhelpful frame of mind at the moment with little to give us obvious joy. That is if we look at life they way we always have looked at life. Our cultural reference points have been shifted and mangled. For instance the current obsession with Christmas and this longing for everything to go back to the way it was. This generally makes us sad as we know it will not be as it was. Hence why looking at the world through a different lens can be more helpful, by help us seek joy from other, often unrecognised parts of our world.
So how do we make shifting our perspectives easier? Well it is quite straight forward although it does require positive action for it to become a muscle memory and more easily accessed.
Now you might think this slightly insane, but it does work, I do these exercises on a regular basis and they help me shift from my default view to an alternative.
Make Slight Adjustments to Your Routine
Start with the beginning of your day. Where do you eat your breakfast? At the table? At a breakfast bar? On the sofa? In Bed? Well every other day just change the venue slightly, sit in a different position in the room, and just take a moment to look around you and notice how everything looks different.
Then move on to work. Can you take slightly different route to work? Can you take the stairs instead of the lift?
In every part of your life what can you do slightly differently, and always have a look around you and see what the world looks like, as opposed to what you always see.
View The World From A Different Angle
This might seem strange, but if you have ever been on one of my coaching courses I may have asked you to do this.
This is best done at home as it might be considered unprofessional to do this at work. Pick a room that you spend a lot of time in, the first instance. Then find a space big enough and lay down on the floor facing the ceiling. I told you it seems a little mad but trust me it works. It helps you practice shifting your perspective. When you are on the floor look around your room. Notice the cobwebs you have missed, notice how your furniture and decor looks from this angle, look through the door and see how the rest of the house looks. You will notice things about your house that you have never noticed before. Repeat this around your house and in the garden if you dare.
Both of these activities help you notice what goes unnoticed when we carry on with our lives the same way everyday. Shifting our perspective can open up new opportunities and can help us see what is important and what is not, what we can control and what we cannot.
The Key is Practice, Practice, Practice
Having agility in perspective taking is a habit and as with all habits, they are formed by creating new neural pathways. Neural pathways are just like paths through woods and fields, they start by you walking one way, and become formed and established through repeated use.
Creation of a habit takes practice, takes a commitment to stray off your well worn path and start a new one. So by consciously, and deliberately changing your routine and noticing the difference or changing your physical position in a room and taking in the new view you start to establish a new path and each time you do it, it becomes slightly easier to appreciate a different view point.
Eventually you start to notice when you have an entrenched or narrow view and it becomes easier to consider and look at any issue from another angle. Life is never as bad as it can seem, and conversely life might not be as good as you like it.
Perspective Taking Improves Resilience
Seeing the world from different views develops a realistic view of the world around you and reducing the risk of you missing something vital that may pose and opportunity or risk.
Now I am not saying you will always see everything, but opening yourself up to the possibility of an alternative view, gives you the opportunity to hear others perspectives and learn from them.
If we stick to one point of view we can miss so much, and fail to hear what is really happening in our world.
Doing something that appears silly can in the long run have a serious impact on how you lead your life, team and even your business.
If you want to explore more about how to shift your view and create a more cognitively diverse approach to your life and work then please drop me a line via firstname.lastname@example.org
On a daily basis I find myself getting annoyed, frustrated, irritated, sad, and disheartened. After the conversations I have had with people over the past couple of weeks I have realised I am not alone in feeling like this. These feelings appear to be fairly universal but for very different reasons.
I find myself frustrated because people don’t follow social distancing, wear masks, etc. etc… you get my drift. I also get frustrated by the lockdown restrictions being woolly, and people seeing them in the same way some people see tax laws (constantly looking for loopholes). Now there will be plenty of you that agree with everything I have just said, some of you will agree with some of what I said and there will be others that agree with nothing that I have said. We are all getting fed up and frustrated but not for the same reasons. Our emotions are very particular to us. What triggers out emotions is how we view the world and what we value. If we are not careful we can get entrenched in those views of the world and fail to see that there may be flaws in what we are seeing. If we consider ourselves to be right, we stop listening and we stop learning, and more importantly we fuel all those unhelpful, destructive emotions.
I sense this is what has been happening to me lately, more and more so, to be fair it sort of creeps up on us all. We think we are fair minded and on the side of good, and that is where the trouble starts. If we are on the side of good, then the others are on the side of bad. If there is a right, then there is a wrong. I imagine if I asked everyone reading this if they were on the side of good, and were right minded, then the vast majority of you all would answer in the affirmative. Not all of you however will have the same viewpoints on how to manage, a pandemic, whether to leave Europe or not, Hull FC or Hull KR, or whether a Pattie should be battered or covered in breadcrumbs. See we can all have a different viewpoint and be on the side of good. Sorry I got distracted by a pattie then, so that is where my trouble started I started to believe my view of the world is the correct one. I started to feel smug and self-righteous, about how people should behave and respond, without attempting to understand why people might be responding and behaving the way they are. I then start getting angry and frustrated over something I have no control over. I found myself expending far too much energy shouting at the TV, tutting at Facebook and rolling my eyes on the bus. It was during one of those moments that I realised that this was pointless and was starting to impact on my well-being. As I was having this existential awakening (again, I have a word with myself on a regular basis, I am what is commonly known as ‘a work in progress’) I thought of a phrase I have been quoted a lot lately, by my go to Oracle, the fabulous Brene Brown…” everyone is doing their best.”
So what if everyone is doing their best with what they know and understand, and I am no different or no more informed on the world around me than they are. You know what sometimes when you see yourself in context it hurts, it is a bit like catching a glimpse of yourself in a mirror. It came as a bit of a shock. I asked myself what if instead of immediately rushing to judgement the next time I witnessed something that I disagreed with I try to understand? What if I listened and observed what was happening? What if we all did that, how much would we truly learn about the world around us. By listening to and understanding each other, we may all start to learn and realise all of our best can be better.
This is a challenging time, which is made all the more challenging by polarised viewpoints. Getting angry with someone because they are not wearing a mask, will not help them understand why you think wearing a mask is important. Being annoyed by people telling you how to live your life is not going to improve your or theirs well-being.
I was watching the new Amazon Christmas advert the other night. Well I suppose watching is a bit strong, it came on when I was watching my pandemic obsession that is Channel 4 News. As the advert progressed and the music started playing and the ballet dancer started dancing I started crying, in fact I can feel myself welling up just thinking about it. I found myself crying at someone holding a really powerful torch to light up a young girl dance to Swan Lake on the roof of building in the snow. So you can safely say I felt daft. For some reason the emotions got the better of me.
Now those of you that know me, know that I am an emotional soul, but it normally takes more than an advert for a powerful torch to get my eyes leaking. I have found myself having moments of melancholy spontaneously. Some days I just feel a bit sad, most of the time it passes and sometimes I get emotional and feel daft. I find myself telling myself to pull myself together, after all I am a coach and talk to people about this stuff all the time, so I should at least be able to practice what I preach.
I do all of the stuff that I talk about in my blogs, and that is the point I suppose, I always end up reminding myself that I am human, and need help and support from time to time.
I was talking to someone the other day who said they had days where they just felt sad, and all they wanted to do was go home and put their head under the duvet and shut the world out. Like me they said there was not just one thing that they could point to the cause of this. For me at that moment I am so grateful that they had shared that, as I had felt exactly the same, so we sat talked about what is going on in our world and how strange and familiar everything is. As if the world has shifted slightly and unsettled us all. We talked about loss, and when I say loss I mean the sense of loss for the old ways of doing things when we did not wear masks, we taught in classrooms and moaned about winter pressures and how we never managed to sort it out. Actually sharing that moment helped both of us.
The point about this blog is that no matter what you are experiencing, it is important not to devalue you response to what is going on around you and to you. Those silly daft emotional moments require and deserve you attention, and should not be diminished and pushed down. There are lots and lots of ways we can give them some space, one way is to talk to someone you know and trust, at work or home. Socially at the moment that is harder than it was, having a coffee or a glass of whatever you fancy and a chat is out of the question. We can meet via zoom or on the phone. Some people like to journal and write down what is happening to them. I know I find that very useful. I am also offering to have virtual 1:1 sessions with people, just drop me a line at email@example.com and we can arrange a zoom call. The first one is free.
The take home message is that it is perfectly acceptable to be daft, quite frankly the world is acting daft at the moment.