22/04/20 Back to square one

I didn’t write an update yesterday, and today’s is going to be very short. Yesterday my symptoms came back with a vengeance. I went to work but did not last long. I felt a little off first thing but thought it was just morning grogginess. After a couple of hours I was quite breathless, had waves of nausea, and felt dizzy. I went home, the cough then started and just got worse and worse throughout the day. At one point I felt as bad as I have ever felt.

Today I have coughed felt dizzy and have been extremely tired. Today is day 28! It has been a month! I am sorry I cannot think of anything positive to say today. My lungs hurt and I am thoroughly fed up.

I am not going to write any blog updates for a bit until I have something more positive to say.

Stay in, stay safe.

20/04/2020 Today was a good day.

I have had symptoms now for nearly a month. Today I barely noticed them. I had a headache, and was breathless from time to time, but I was so busy doing what I love that they paled into insignificance.

Today we went out to talk to staff and give them hand cream, lip balm, and other goodies donated by companies and individuals ( all using appropriate social distancing). So we talked to them about what they are experiencing at work and outside of work. It was lovely putting a smile on people’s faces. At last I feel like I am making a difference. Tomorrow I will start making up resource boxes for teams, wards and departments, as we recognise not everyone can leave their department but also need some space to rest and receive those gifts given in appreciation of all their hardwork.

One member of staff said to to me that it was lovely know we are there for them to talk to and that people care for them. I felt so privileged today, that I could do something that made a small difference to a small group of people. I feel like I got my mojo back today. If I am honest I was a little overwhelmed last week, and I was experiencing quite a lot of fatigue. Obviously I am going to keep an eye on my symptoms, I have after all I have felt better before, only to feel rubbish the next day. I will take it easy tomorrow (I promise mum). I am however really looking forward to going to work tomorrow, that is the first time since getting ill that I have not worried about being up to it.

Oh and the sun is shining, the birds are singing and the cherry blossom is blooming.

Stay safe, stay in and remember by staying home you are doing your bit.

19/04/2020 26 days since my symptoms began

Today I had planned to be running in the Hull 10K, along with thousands of other people. Instead I have cut the grass. I think I was probably as knackered after cutting the grass as I would have been had I run the 10K.

Yesterday I felt nearly normal, well today I cannot say that, the cough is back today, and so is the headache, especially after the grass cutting. Saying that I feel so much better than I did a few weeks ago. I suppose I am just impatient and want to be back to normal. So I am reminding myself again today to listen to my body and take it easy. After putting the chicken in the oven I have sat in front of the TV watching Bridge Over The River Kwai. That took me back to my childhood of watching the Sunday matinee film on BBC1 after lunch, it was always a war film or a western. It was nice to spend a moment reminiscing about my childhood.

Even though it did wear me out, being outside cutting the grass was glorious. When I wasn’t making a racket with the lawnmower it was wonderful to hear the birds singing so loudly, now there is so little traffic noise. Being in the moment and appreciating what around you is so important. The news and social media can dominate our lives at the moment and today I have found myself shouting at the computer and TV today. So just simply spending time in the garden or looking out of the window and seeing the sunshine is so important.

I am trying not to be overly optimistic or pessimistic. Both states of mind take us away from the here and now and projects us into a future that is very uncertain. If we spend too much time there we are less likely to be able to influence it. If however we spend time in the present we are able to make a difference now which will influence our future. Staying healthy and spending more time at home than anywhere else is making a difference for the here and now and for all our futures. If you get the urge to go and buy something from the shops, whether that is a bottle of wine or some treats, ask yourself is it worth putting your own or someone else’s future at risk. A cheeky trip to the shop on a daily basis is not cheeky at all, it is selfish and irresponsible. Try to go shopping at least once a week, and only make supplementary trips in an emergency. Staying at home for many of us is quite possibly the most important activity you will do in your life.

Make a difference, stay home, stay safe. See you all tomorrow

18/04/2020 I have done absolutely nothing today.

I woke up this morning at my usual weekend time of 7 am, and I felt quite well. I had no headache, no pain in my chest, no cough, and no breathlessness. Now I have been here before so I did not want to count my chickens. But it was quite a welcome relief, I was getting quite fed up. Thursday night I said I felt really unwell, and at one point I had a complete meltdown, I was so fed up. Yesterday was better, but I was still really tired, and had moments when I was breathless and felt rubbish. So I will take today. I am just beginning to feel tired, and my chest is a little tight, but nothing like previous days.

So I am determined that I am going to continue to feel like this, therefore apart from taking the dog out I have done nothing but sit on the sofa and watch TV. This afternoon I have watched highlights of the 1990 FA cup semi-finals on BBC1 and then an episode of Spooks on the iPlayer. Then I spent about 30 minutes shouting at the TV during the government’s daily update. Then I have just watched the news and shed a tear hearing about those we have lost and watching the story of Alice a Nurse working in ICU, she is a credit to all of us, and I salute her and all of my nursing colleagues who continue to give incredible care in really difficult conditions.

I was going to cook tea but I cannot be bothered so we are having a takeaway. I am hoping that is it now, but I have been here before, so I am being cautious. Tomorrow I might cut the grass, but I want to be firing on all cylinders at work next week. I felt that there were moments last week when I was not fully present, and I have so much to do next week, that needs me to be on form. So I am going to take it easy tomorrow and be on my game Monday morning.

I have not got a huge amount to say today. I have noticed my irritation levels with politicians and journalists is rising so I must be feeling better. I have to keep reminding myself to be generous but I am not noticing a huge amount of accountability at the moment from our leaders, and a distinct lack of challenge from our mainstream media. Anyway I have a rule not to discuss politics on my blog so I will leave it there.

Stay safe and I will update you tomorrow

17/04/2020 Just in case you were wondering it’s Friday

I missed yesterday, I was too tired and too fed up.

Today is a better day. I have been at work on both days, and both days were spent in the staff drop-ins. Yesterday I felt quite ill. There were times yesterday when I felt really ill and other moments when I felt quite positive. I think in hindsight I pushed myself too hard. I forced myself to be more positive and outgoing than I really felt. When I got home I ran out of energy. My mood was really low and physically I was done in. When I went to bed I was worried that I was getting worse again, and I did wonder if I would end up in hospital. My heart rate was up, I was breathing fast, and I was covered in sweet. My mind was racing and had to count my breathes (my go to mindfulness technique) my breathing started to slow and I managed to get to sleep for a few hours. I woke up after about 4 hours with a headache and a painful chest. My sleep was fitful after that and I still felt terrible.

My alarm went off at 6am and I lay there for a few minutes summing up my courage and energy to get out of bed. I mentally stole myself, pulled myself together and went into autopilot to get ready. I concentrated on the tasks at hand rather than worrying about what I was going to feel like today and what I felt like last night. I got dressed and breathlessly ate my breakfast. I took my time going to the bus stop, and I eased myself into the day, methodically collecting what I needed for our drop-in. Each time I felt ill I took a moment noticed what I was feeling and gave myself a bit of time to recover. I tried to spend as much of the day as possible in the moment and responding to my physical response.

I still feel ill, I still have a painful chest, but I do not feel exhausted as I did yesterday. Yesterday I was not paying attention to myself, today I did.

This virus is teaching me how to be more mindful and how to care for myself. I am great at helping other people learn to care for themselves, I don’t think I was ever that good at doing it for myself. This week I am learning how to show myself some care purely by necessity. My lesson of the day was to be more mindful and really pay attention to what is happening within me and give myself some space and time to recover. I think the most important thing I am learning though is to stop comparing my experience with others and not to expect more from myself than is possible. As Brene Brown would say; “You are enough Matthew.”

Just a short one again today, stay safe and I will catch you all tomorrow.

15/04/2020 I feel like the new boy

I have been into work today, my second attempt at returning to work. I was really nervous last night as I was last week.

I feel like the new boy. So much as changed in the 3 weeks I have been off. It has been 4 weeks since I did my proper job. Just before I went off sick I was manning the staff advice line in HR. Then I was off for 2 weeks and returned to work last as part of staff support. I then went back off sick and have now returned to staff support, among other things manning the staff support drop-ins and preparing a variety of other support initiatives. This is all brand new to me and it feels as if everyone else has got the hang of it whilst I have been away. They all seem to understand the rules for zoom and social distancing and it just feels really strange.

The bus journey in was strange and felt awkward with everyone nervously negotiating their way off the bus. As there is hardly any traffic the bus stops at a lot more stops to get the timings right. Everywhere was so quiet until we got to the hospital and at 7:45 it was a hive of activity with loads of people coming to work and tired night shift workers leaving work. It was hard work negotiating my way around everyone milling around without encroaching into their 2 metre exclusion zones. Eventually I got to the block where my office is and after a typical polite English exchange of “after you”, “no after you”, I reached the sanctuary of my office. I was breathless, flustered and a little emotional. I labelled my lunch and milk and put it in our communal fridge.

When I got back to my office I was greeted by one of my old nursing colleagues who is a specialist nurse and has an office on the same corridor as me. I have known her for over 20 years and had to resist the urge to give her a hug, something that pre-virus was my default greeting for old colleagues. She asked how I was and was genuinely concerned and we discussed our parents and how difficult it is for them at the moment, and how sad the whole situation is. I then got down to my new way of working, which in some ways was very similar like checking in with people that had been on our leadership programmes giving them useful information and checking that they are OK. Sometimes a genuine inquiry of concern even by email can be much appreciated when you are working hard. I then got onto to preparing support that we will offer in addition to drop-ins for staff. I checked in with my colleagues that were in today which was lovely, and we planned out work for the rest of the day.

Just before lunch it hit my like a brick wall. The chest pain and breathlessness was back followed by the headache and the cough. It was a reminder to slow my pace down and take it easy. I still had stuff to do. I slowed down got that done and then came home, to ensure I have enough energy to face tomorrow.

So I am now sat on the sofa, taking my time writing this. I needed to write this, it helps me sort out my thoughts and make sense of my emotions. I used to just write my blog once a week, but there is so much going on right now I need to put something down every day. Every time I start writing I always stare at the screen wondering what I am going to write about, and wonder if I will have enough to write about. Everyday so far for 3 weeks I have managed to write something. It is now one of, if not the most important thing I do to care for myself.

Why do I share my thoughts with everybody? It helps me to share what I write, it motivates me to write, and some people like what I write and it helps them. The thought that what I write helps people, helps me. When I first started writing a blog 3 years ago, about 2 people would read it and one of them was my wife the other was my mum. I am a bit braver now and share it a bit wider. I still don’t get huge numbers of readers but it is in the hundreds everyday. If a few people take something from it then I happy. More importantly though is that I get a huge amount from writing a blog especially when I feel as rubbish as I do at the moment. So if you are reading this thank you.

If you feel like there it too much going on and life is just too overwhelming try keeping a journal. Writing it down may help you make sense of what is going on in your head. You don’t have to share it, just writing it will sometimes be enough. Give it a go, and let me know how it goes. If you are feeling brave start a blog. Everyone on word press are lovely and really supportive of fellow bloggers.

Stay safe, and maybe see you tomorrow.

14/04/2020 Back at work

I went back to work today, albeit baby steps and working from home. Although I have had plenty to do work on much of the staff support we are offering at the hospital.

It was a little daunting at first as I had a faltering start last week. Obviously it was fine, and it was great to speak to my colleagues via zoom and start to be useful again. I am going in for the rest of the week and will be manning the staff drop ins on Thursday and Friday, then I will feel truly useful making a difference and supporting the amazing staff in our hospitals, who are all working so hard to keep us all safe, both clinical and non-clinical.

I have worked in the NHS all my adult life and I am so happy to be getting back to my other family after being away from them for 3 weeks.

I was thinking this morning about what I had written about yesterday, about being kind towards all of the people around us. Many of us are spending more time with our families than we are used to. We can often be less kind to our families than we should. We can be uncivil with those we love, as they will forgive us more than those that no us less. I can often be short with Lisa and my boys. It is so important that we pause and remember they are like us and are experiencing the same emotions as we are and need patience and support as much as we do. So when you feel that irritation or red mist forming take a breath, and tell yourself they are trying their best, just like you are, and it is just as new for them as it is for you. You love them and they love you so let them know even when they are getting on your nerves.

Like everything I suggest it takes practice. Sometimes you will react, but just notice when you do, apologise when you do react, and make amends.

I have written this on my phone and I am quite tired after a day at work so I hope it makes sense.

Stay safe

13/04/2020 20 days since my symptoms began

Nearly 3 weeks in and I am still experiencing symptoms, albeit a lot less. I must say I am getting a little fed with it. I am still getting breathless going for walks, and still getting headaches. Don’t get me wrong I feel so much better than I did, and when I hear stories of others I feel so lucky, and I do have to have a word with myself. As I keep saying though we all have to have our hippo time.

This morning I have been thinking about how I am responding to what is going on around me, and what is happening to me. I was always an emotional soul but I find myself feeling emotional a lot more than usual. I feel irritated more than usual, and find it difficult to focus on subjects for longer than a few minutes. I found myself this morning getting very angry with what I was hearing on the TV, and angry with people not doing what is asked of them. Then I went on Twitter (I was feeling like I needed to be wound up more) and found myself getting angry with the government, celebrities, and of course Donald Trump. Some of these responses if you asked my wife are not unusual, however it seemed more extreme and more acute. My tolerance of what is going on around me is more acute. I feel unsafe, insignificant and powerless.

No doubt many of you will recognise what I have just described as similar to what you feel like. That is my point, I would hazard a guess most of the world is feeling out of their depth at the moment. Most of us feel unsafe, insignificant and powerless. These feelings as you will recognise show up as feeling emotional, angry, irritated, lost, and can lead to poor behaviour. This poor behaviour is down to people doing the wrong thing when trying to do the right thing. We are not thinking effectively because of what is happening, and that includes our leaders, the people that run our governments, even ourselves.

So today I am practicing pausing, and taking stock before I react to people’s poor decisions including what I see on the news. Everything is new for all of us. We are all scared, but we all want to do what we think is the right thing. We are all trying our best from our view of the world. It is not easy but it does make me feel better. The realisation that we are all bricking it (shit scared) and trying to feel our way through this, makes me feel a lot less isolated and insignificant.

Be kind, be safe and stay inside.

12/04/2020 Happy Easter

I have always loved Easter, it has always felt optimistic to me. There is always the promise of warmer days ahead. Cherry blossom is in full bloom, there air smells fragrant with the scent of flowers, the sun feels warm on the skin and there is lots of chocolate.

Photo by Oleg Magni on Pexels.com

I woke this morning about 6 am, the sun was coming up there was a dew on the grass and the birds were in full song. What a glorious morning to lift my mood and shift my thoughts from the tragedy in the world to the beauty of the moment.

The news seems to get worse everyday, with 2000 people losing their lives in one day in the USA, sedatives used in Intensive Care in short supply in the West Midlands, and the death rate in the United Kingdom exceeding 10000. It is easy to say ‘turn the news off’ but we cannot sit in a bubble of false positivity. We have some how got to find a balance that keeps us informed without completely consuming us. It is important to be optimistic for the future without constantly looking for a silver lining that just is not there. If we constantly look for positives we will soon become disheartened and lose all sense of optimism.

I know I keep going on about it, but spending more time in the moment than in the future or the past is so important. It does give you a balanced view. Too much time in the future will always end in a loss of optimism. The future is either terrible or wonderful depending on your mindset, it is never real. What we do know about the future is that it will happen. It might be good, it might be bad, more than likely it will be both in parts as our present is. If we spend too much time in past we do nothing other than wish for a time that will never return, or be fearful to act so as not to repeat our past failures. The past is useful to use as a reference point and as a place of momentary sanctuary, but should never be a place of permanent residence. Spending time in the future is important when setting and planning goals, it is always useful to imagine your future destination, but again should not be a place of permanent residence. The present (I know I am repeating myself, but it is important) is real and therefore is the only important place of residence. So spend most of your time there. Appreciate what you have, notice what you haven’t got, be aware of what is happening in the wider world, and do what you need to do right now that will make the future that be easier for you when it becomes your present.

The sun has gone in now, it is still a lovely day, the sun will come out again, and the clouds will come back and it will rain at some point in the coming days. Things will be good and will be bad that is a given, how you respond to them is purely up to you.

I hope you have a good Easter Sunday.

Just a quick update on me, each day is easier, although I am still struggling to do anything that involves physical effort for longer than 30 minutes. Yesterday I spent the morning pottering after writing my blog. I emptied and filled the dishwasher, and made some holes in bottle tops to make a wind charm by lunchtime I was shattered, I had a headache and was breathless. I am hoping I will have more energy today, my chest is sore today but I am not overly breathless.

Take it easy today everybody, and stay safe.

11/04/2020 Preparing for the long haul

Good morning, it’s Saturday, the sun is shining Radcliffe and Maconie ( Weekend breakfast radio presenters on BBC 6 Music) are on the radio, today is starting to feel like a good day. Now there is a lot wrong with the day, which I won’t go into as it is a bit obvious, and we don’t need reminding. Now I am feeling better I am beginning to wonder how I am going to keep this up for the next month, and then how am I going to adjust to whatever we will face in the coming months.

If you have been a regular reader of my blogs most of this will feel familiar, as I have talked about how I have learned to live with my emotions and not try to deny them. Over the past 3 weeks this has been sorely tested and I know the coming months will be difficult too. With that in mind the hardest thing to deal with is the uncertainty of what we are facing.

I am finding the most important, most helpful behaviour I am adopting is simply going with the flow. I say simply, but to be honest, it may be simple to say, but it is brick hard to do. Going with the flow takes a lot of practice.

So what is going with the flow? For me it is accepting all of the emotions we experience, without exception, and knowing all emotions are fluid and if allowed to be heard and recognised will flow over you. Let me try to explain what I mean.

This morning right now I am sat with my laptop on my lap (as it was designed to be) writing my blog, drinking coffee listening to Lithium by Nirvana on the radio. I feel happy and contented. The music reminds me of happy times in Spiders Nightclub when I was younger, I love writing this blog, and I enjoy drinking coffee. All is good my emotions are positive, so it is easy for me to experience them and allow them to be. Some of us struggle with positive emotion and go into “too good to be true” mode and deny ourselves the positive emotion by looking for a catch or worrying about a catastrophe. Whenever I go abroad on holiday I always have a moment imagining the plane crashing into a side of a mountain, I then imagine getting to our destination and being told that there had been a terrible mistake and there would be nowhere for us to stay. You get the drift. We can often hijack our positive emotion by using our intuition. I know practice being in the moment when something good is happening, like right now. I practice noticing the physical sensation created by the emotion. I practice using my senses, what I am hearing right now, what I am feeling, what I am tasting, what I am smelling, and what I am seeing. I practice enjoying the moment for what it is.

I don’t know about you, but I have been conditioned from a young age to avoid pain, sadness and anger. I have always been taught that these sensations an emotions are negative, and we should always seek out positive emotions to counter these. Now pain, sadness and anger are not pleasant experiences, but they are essential and an inevitable part of life. Over the past few weeks I have experienced all of them in abundance. Now I have experienced a degree of physical pain because I have been ill, when it got too much I took paracetamol. But the pain was useful it let me know what parts of my body were effected and encouraged me to rest. Most pain no matter how unpleasant is a useful physiological response to a noxious stimuli. Emotions such as sadness, fear, anxiety, frustration, anger etc. in most circumstances (there are circumstances such as mental illness, and some neurological conditions that are not useful and will need attention of a health professional) are also useful and are a consequence of what is happening to you. Denying them or avoiding them will just prolong them and often make them bigger. It is so important to allow them to happen, accept them and understand them. I have learned to ask myself some questions about my emotions, thanks to reading Brene Brown’s and Paul McGee’s work.

I will ask myself:

What is happening to me right now?

What has caused me to feel like this?

What part did I play in this?

What could I learn from this?

What can I change?

What is beyond my control?

It will not make the emotion go away, but it allows me to understand the emotion and learn from it. It encourages me to create space in my mind for unpleasant emotions. Life is really difficult as well as being incredibly wonderful, therefore to fully appreciate life it is important to provide equal space for the good and bad. The only important aspect of life is life itself. We have to learn to live it rather than worry about it.

I found when I practice this, I can accept uncertainty far more. I able to resist the urge to attempt to predict the future, therefore the uncertainty of life at the moment worries me less. When I do start to be overwhelmed I can bring myself into the moment, and appreciate the life I am living now. After all the life we are living now is the only thing that is real.

Stay safe, be in the moment and have a good day.