20/05/2020 It’s a warm one

I have had a few days off from blogging. I was running out of things to say, and I have been working more as part of my rehabilitation back into the the working world, so quite frankly I have been knackered.

Today though I feel re-energised. I decided to work in the garden this morning, and that was I must say an excellent move. Listening to the birdsong with the sun on my back and a cool breeze cooling my skin was just the tonic. I managed to get quite a bit done and I felt so much better. There is nothing like a bit of fresh air and nature to restore you.

I must admit though I am flagging a bit know so I will not stay too long. I needed that today, as I really struggled at work yesterday, and felt quite deflated in the afternoon.

For the first time in a while I started making plans in my head for activities in a couple of weeks. This is something I have been shying away from lately. Having a routine in place and the glorious weather has helped immensely.

To keep the positivity going I have spend the past hour compiling a playlist that matches the weather and my mood. As my playlists tend to be it is eclectic and in places a little bit unusual. I had a lot of fun putting it together, and I can safely say every song I have chosen has put a smile on my face. If you like listening to my playlists, brace yourself this is a little different and does have a bit of an international feel about it. But I think it matches the sunshine. At the end of the day I love putting together playlists and sharing them, and to be honest if I had not started putting together this playlist I don’t think I would have written a blog today.

I have added the link below to my playlist if you want to chill out and have a listen.

It will be a few days before I blog again.

Enjoy the weather and stay safe.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/12XXWvA42hBR18qluZeO5E?si=x2L419VgRnC8DWD0MXw7nQ

16/05/2020 Don’t forget to empty that bucket

16th May 2020, another early saturday morning, and I am occupying the same position on the sofa, listening to the same radio station, different song. The news is the same, the same as it has been for the past 2 months. The pandemic has completely consumed our lives, everything we do is influenced by our response to COVID-19. I have been writing about my experiences of this virus for 8 weeks. We have all suffered from the effects of it, whether that is physically, psychologically or both. I have now decided to restrict the amount of news I consume. I read a few articles in the newspaper, the 6 O’clock news on BBC1 then to provide a more human and international perspective I watch Channel 4 news. I think I have only read one news item that is not coronavirus related in recent weeks and that was the terrible news that gunman had attacked a maternity hospital in Kabul. That is why like most of us I am spending a lot of time listening to music, watching entertainment on the TV or reading. We all need to anchor ourselves to the familiar. We all need something that comforts us. I have to keep up to date with the news, but I am noticing I am needing less and less time to keep up with it as very little has changed. Before all this happened I would talk about (to anyone that would listen) about the importance of having an hour of happiness a day. I always like to use the analogy once described to me by a mental health first aid instructor. Imagine you have a bucket that carries all your stress for you. It might be a big bucket if you thrive on stress and enjoy the hustle and bustle of life, or you might have a smaller bucket if you prefer a calmer more predictable life and don’t cope well with stress generally.The thing is it does not matter whether your stress bucket is small or large it still has a capacity. If you have a big bucket, you may experience and attract more stress than someone with a smaller bucket who does not seek out stressful situations. Both types of people may well fill their buckets at the same rate. So everytime something stressful happens to us we put that stress in our bucket. Most of the time we can keep a track of how full our bucket is and empty it when we it starts to reach the top. Sometimes we get busy doing stuff and we stop paying attention to our stress bucket and before we know it our bucket is full and overflowing. At this point we become overwhelmed and struggle to function. There are other times that our bucket fills a lot quicker than normal because there is a lot more stress than we are used to and we have not had chance to notice our bucket filling up.

So here is the thing. It is possible to put a tap at the bottom of our bucket that is always set to a trickle. So it is much harder for our buckets to fill and overflow (not impossible mind). The best thing is, it is not difficult to do and by its very nature is enjoyable. As alluded to earlier all you have to do is allocate yourself an hour happiness everyday. Already I can hear the objections. “An hour?… I don’t have that much time to myself….I have got too much to do”. You are right we are busy, we do have commitments. What if though some of the things we already do, if we looked at them differently gave us pleasure? For instance if you have small children you are really busy caring for them making sure they are washed, dressed, fed and entertained. When we do this everyday it becomes routine, and sometimes a chore, especially when you get them dressed, then for them to get undressed when your back is turned. But just pause for a moment, think about how cute, funny, amazing, adorable your children really are. Think about how much you love them and they love you. Now think about the time you spend with them and how priceless that is. Now allocate that to your daily happiness quota. Housework can be a drudge, another chore to get done. Next time you clean and tidy your house, take a moment just as you have finished and look around. How good does that feel? It was a tip when you started, now it looks like a show home. Stick that in your happiness quota. Then think about what you love to do, like reading, watching dramas, going for a run, playing music, or taking the dog for a walk. We all have something we really enjoy. Make sure you have time in you life for these. 

So to sum up, It is vital to keep your stress bucket in check by putting a slightly open tap at the bottom. You can do this by allocating an hour of happiness every day (you can split it up, into segments, and you can have more than an hour). The first thing to do is to map out your daily routine. Identify which of those activities make you happy, or could make you happy if you viewed them differently. Next write down all the things that make you happy. If you have a long list, prioritise them, and try to incorporate at least the top 3 into your weekly schedule. 

Now here is a bit of a health warning. 

If you have things like drinking alcohol, shopping, or eating, then ask yourself why you are doing these activities. Are you drinking, taking drugs, eating too much, or shopping to dull the pain or for the pleasurable sensation? Let me explain this. If after a hard day at work you stop off at the supermarket and by the biggest, highest alcohol content bottle of plonk they have along with a supersize bag of crisps, a tub of icecream and a giant chocolate bar, to then go home and binge shop on amazon, then I would suggest that this is not going to empty your bucket, in fact you bucket is just going to fill up the next day, when you wake up feeling sick with a bad head and an empty bank balance. 

However if you go the the shop and buy a bottle of your favourite wine, go home order you favourite take away, and then sit and watch a good film or boxset, you will no doubt empty your bucket. 

The most enjoyable and stress relieving activities are productive, are those that increase your connection with others or have an end product, like baking, gardening, exercise, socialising with friends etc.

Stay home, stay safe.

14/05/20 Learning how to talk to strangers

Today was better than yesterday which was better than the day before. On the advice of my GP I bought an oxygen saturation monitor. I have noticed that I will have to be mindful not to become obsessed with using it. I am restricting myself to using it when I feel unwell or breathless. It has reassured me that I do not need to rush to hospital.

In between checking my oxygen saturation levels and heart rate, I have spent most of the day reading. I want to make sure my mind stays as active as is possible, to help me when I am working. I have been reading a fascinating book by Malcolm Gladwell called Talking to Strangers. He explains why we misunderstand strangers, and why most of us find it nearly impossible to tell when we are being lied to. If you like reading and want to know more about why you are so rubbish at talking to and understanding what strangers truly mean, then buy this book.

I so want to tell you what I understand the book to be about, but I wont spoil it for you.

Today has been a stimulating day, which is exactly what I needed. I need to get back to stretching myself intellectually everyday, so when I am ready to work full time I am able to work effectively all day. I was gentle with myself today, giving myself plenty of breaks to ensure I did not lose concentration, and tire myself too much. Tomorrow I am working from home with plans to start writing some video presentations on coaching and leadership therefore I did not want to over do it today, but at the same time keep my mind active.

If you are at home, either working for home, shielding or sick, then it is so vital to develop a routine. A routine that is stimulating, stretches you in some way and is fun. As I mention a lot in these blogs, it is the uncertainty of our circumstances that makes us feel so uncomfortable and in many ways unsafe. If we can create a level of certainty in our own lives by creating a routine in our lives that is enjoyable and productive then we can go some way to easing our anxieties. It will not remove them completely and it should not. This pandemic is terrible and we must not lose sight of that, however we can not change that, but we can influence what happens in our lives. So create a routine, and if that routine for you includes reading then get online and order “Talking to Strangers” by Malcolm Gladwell, it is a fascinating read.

Stay home, stay safe and I will see you all soon.

13/05/2020: 7 Weeks!!!

Come on! This is silly! And I am not talking about lockdown. 7 weeks ago today I woke up coughing. Today I woke up coughing. Today is a better day than yesterday granted but come on, I mean WTAF!

I have not written anything for a couple of days, mainly because I did not have anything to say, that I have not already said or was remotely uplifting for you and me, and I have felt crap for the past few days.

Another thing is I have been getting caught up in the news, and shouting at the TV, which is never helpful. What ever our opinion is about how our government, there is not a huge amount we can do about that at the moment, but just store up your opinion and express it, at the ballot box. What we can do is control our response to what is going on around us, and therefore influence the outcome for ourselves.

This morning when I woke up, I was coughing and feeling pretty rough, I wanted to stay in bed and wallow in my self pity. I didn’t I went and stood in the bathroom and had a wash and brushed my teeth whilst feeling sorry for myself. I then got dressed full of self pity. I had a bowl of cornflakes whilst counting my aches and the times I had to stop and cough. I sighed and shuffled taking the dog for a walk to the end of the street, bemoaning the fact I had a headache. I fired up my work laptop without an ounce of enthusiasm. I huffed and puffed whilst opening my emails. I wrote a list of jobs for the morning, replied to a couple of emails. Wrote a kickstarter post for our working from home Facebook group. I started creating a leadership hub for our intranet page. I stared wistfully out of the window, coughed and remembered I had a headache. I found a great leadership website for NHS staff. I had some paracetamol for my headache. I remembered my chest was hurting. I sent off a couple of emails, I scan read a couple of articles for our leadership hub. I uploaded a couple of videos on difficult conversations to the hub. I had an uplifting conversation with my boss. I coughed, my chest hurt, and then my morning was over. I was exhausted, I had got quite a lot done in 4 hours. At the beginning of the day I did not feel like I could do anything. I managed quite a lot. I did not force myself to be positive. I allowed myself to feel what I was feeling but was I was feeling it I got on a did some stuff. The more stuff I did the less time I spent worrying about stuff I cannot do anything about. I got on and did what I needed and wanted to do.

If you feel fed up and out of sorts, allow yourself to feel that, but don’t let it stop you what you need to do. Don’t let your circumstances define you. Life is rubbish some of the time, life is great some of the time. Most of the time it is mish mash of both.

Today has most definitely been a mish mash of both. Embrace the happiness and acknowledge the pain.

Stay home, stay safe, and be a lert if you want.

09/05/20 A special moment

The sun is gently warming by back, the birdsong is loud a beautiful, a Blue Tit, is busy collecting food from the bird feeder and taking it back to her young. I am having one of those perfect moments.A moment of calm, a moment in the here and now. A moment when I can remember how lucky I am. Lucky to be in this moment on a glorious Saturday morning, sat in my garden in a beautiful part of the world, listening and witnessing nature. Watching the Blue Tit fly the length of the garden and land perfectly on the bird feeder, collect some seed and then swoop off again in a moment.For this moment everything is in perspective, I am not worrying about the future or ruminating over the past, I am just letting the day happen in front of me.My symptoms are still all over the place, so having these moments are so important. Yesterday turned out to be a lovely day. It didn’t start off that way, it started off with me feeling sorry for myself and anticipating a rubbish day feeling rubbish. Then I decided to just take the day as it came. So I made some more scones. I quite like baking now. That kept me in the moment and I felt satisfied that I had achieved something. Then after lunch me and the boys sat on our drive and celebrated VE day with the rest of the street. It was lovely to catch up with neighbours listen to music and chat with my boys. It was a restorative day. A day when we all forgot about what was happening in the world and had a nice time albeit in bizarre circumstances sat in family groups and reminding ourselves to keep a safe distance from other families.Lisa was at work during the day and joined us on the evening and we sat outside until about 11pm.We all needed yesterday to reconnect with each other and give us the fortitude to carry on.

07/05/20 Today I made scones

I haven’t made scones since I was at school. It was probably 38 years ago. I know it is hard to believe I have been on this planet more than 40 years.

You can tell can’t you? The gap between baking scones I mean. I don’t think I will be applying for bake off anytime soon. I decided as part of my rehab I would create something so I have been thinking about baking for a while. I love Bake Off, so I thought I would give it a go. Lisa said baking scones is easy so I thought I would give it a go. And it is VE day and the street is holding a social distancing street party in our front gardens, so I thought I would bake scones and we would sit in our garden drinking tea and eating scones and jam. I think I might ask Lisa to buy some scones when she is out shopping.

Anyway it distracted me and got me up and about, and made me smile. I am a bit pooped now though.

All in all it has been quite a creative day so far. We have a Facebook group at work for staff who are working from home, self isolating or are shielded, to keep people connected and part of a community. Yesterday I invited the group to submit artwork of any form and we would create a gallery documenting our experiences and our creativity. Already there are some quite brilliant creations. So this morning after I had done my exercises in the garden I decided to get all arty with my camera on my phone and took a few pictures to go on the gallery. I really enjoyed it I chose 2 pictures that sum up what I feel about our garden. It always feels tranqui and magical and is my connection with nature. About 5 years ago I camped for a month in the garden for charity, so I have a real affection for my garden. I know you want to see my pictures so I will add them at the end.

Being creative, producing something for the sake of it, is so rewarding, especially when there is so much uncertainty. The best thing is you don’t have to be amazing at it, you just have to enjoy it. I might try drawing tomorrow if I can find some pencils and paper. If I do I will let you know how it goes.

Stay home, stay safe.

This is a picture of our insect hotel, complete with cobwebs.

We have a fairy meeting place at the bottom of our garden, luckily I stumbled across a branch meeting, they are very camera shy.

06/05/2020 What can you change?

Remember a few days ago I wrote about being resilient during these uncertain times. The first element of resilience as described by Diane Coutu was realism. We have to be realistic about what is within our control and what is a given. I know it seems obvious but how many times do you find yourself getting caught up in the news and worrying about stuff you have no control over.

When I find myself getting overwhelmed by all that is going on I ask myself 3 questions

  • Is it something I can control?
  • Is it something that is out of my control?
  • Is it important?

Now this never stops me getting wound up by want I cannot control, but it soon puts everything in perspective. It also concentrates my mind on what I can control. This week I have been concentrating on returning to work and rehabilitating, stuff that I can control. I can do the exercises and I can build a routine that helps me concentrate on what is important and not worry about what I cannot control.

So when it all gets a bit much ask those 3 questions.

Stay home, and stay safe.

05/05/2020 I don’t know about you but I could do with a big cuddle at the moment

Holly my dog woke me up at 4 am and again at 5:30 this morning, on the second occasion I gave up and got up. I am not sure what she wanted as she went back to sleep once I got up. Perhaps she was fed up and just wanted some company. So for the past couple of hours I have sat watching the sun rise, listening to my dog gently snore along to a soundtrack provided by BBC 6 Music (my favourite radio station) whilst ruminating and generally feeling miserable. I could do with a big bear hug, you know a proper squeeze. The kind of cuddle that tells you “hang on in there fella, you’ve got this.” I am blessed I am surrounded by my family who will give me a hug. Ben though is the only natural hugger in the house. Lisa and Jack are reluctant huggers, they will give me a hug but it is time limited and a bit weak. That is fine not everyone is a natural hugger and us tactile sorts should not impose hugging onto those reluctant types.

As I say Ben would give me a hug. He is a champion huger, if not just a little enthusiastic, he can squeeze the air out of your lungs if you are not careful. Now since I started with this virus all hugging has stopped. Initially we were trying to avoid me passing any potential virus on. Since then that nervousness is still present (the nervousness is with me). Then this morning I have been sat here overthinking listening to the dog snore feeling sorry for myself and thought I could really do with a big hug to squeeze all this sadness out.

A hug lets you know you matter, a hug lets you know that someone has your back and they are with you without judgement, and without a desire to fix it. A hug (for me) is the perfect expression of empathy. It says “I know it hurts, I am not here to fix it, I am here for you, because you are loved and lovable.”

When someone gets up I am going to hug them. In the meantime I am going to give all of you a big hug instead. A virtual hug, a musical hug. When I need a hug and no one is around I put my Gizza Cuddle playlist on. So from me to you

Stay home, stay safe and come here you lovable lot

04/05/2020 It has been 41 days since my symptoms started

I started back to work again today. This time I am going to try to do it the right way. We have a plan of ramping up my workload over a few weeks, to not to cause anymore setbacks. So for the next few weeks I will be working from home to avoid the commute and allow me to stick to my physio regime and work to my symptoms.

As I keep saying the symptoms appear and disappear, get worse and subside at will. So it is impossible to attempt to predict how work goes. When I started work this morning I felt apprehensive but physically fine. The rest of the morning however was a roller-coaster ride. Trying to compose an email proved exhausting (as is writing this blog so I will keep it short). When I feel like this it is like thinking through treacle, thinking just takes longer, I have to search for words, it is the same when speaking. I have zoomed twice today and on both occasions I felt really conscious that I was much quieter than I would normally be. I could not find the words. Then there is the usual headaches and chest pain.

I logged off at lunchtime and went to do my physio in the garden, luckily my children were in bed (18 and 20 year olds are nocturnal in lock down). A fat man walking on the spot does look quite comical, then doing lunges. I managed it quite well, even if I did feel silly.

Only a few months ago I was running regularly (granted not very fast) and today I was getting sweaty a breathless doing steps.

Now I have this plan and a clear daily routine I feel more positive and more secure. I cannot predict how I feel, but I know I have a routine that I can use as an anchor. I only watch the news once a day. That is helping with my mood. Over the next few days I will hopefully start being useful at work. Today I wrote a blog for our intranet site today, so hopefully I have started to make a difference again. Tomorrow is another day, I don’t know what my symptoms will be like, but I know what I will be doing.

One day I will write a blog about the day the symptoms stopped, and one about the day we all went back to normal and were back moaning about normal stuff like the weather, car parking, traffic and brexit. It will happen.

So stay home, and stay safe. Remember we are all new at this, we won’t get it right all the time. Writing this blog is my way of making sense of it. Speak soon.

03/05/2020 This is like nothing I have ever experienced

I know I have said this quite a few times, but I have never experienced an illness like this. I don’t just mean the physical impact it is having on me which is so unpredictable, ranging from irritating to debilitating in the space of an hour, back to a minor ailment all before lunch. The psychological impact is incredible. The unpredictable nature of the illness for one plays havoc with your wellbeing. One minute I feel well enough to go back to work, the next minute I am contemplating ringing an ambulance. I just don’t know where I am. I have tried to allow myself to be ill but this little shit keeps messing with my head. Then there is the media coverage of the disease, and constant reminders that the disease kills people in particular fat middle aged men. Then there is the helpful fly on the wall coverage of nurses in ICU. All of this sits there in the back of my mind to resurface in the early hours of the morning. Then there is the guilt, the guilt of working in the NHS but being off sick, 5 weeks after the symptoms started. Then on top of that is the emotional wreck this virus has made me.

So I cannot overestimate how much this like nothing I have ever experienced and would want to experience again, so God knows what it must be like to get so sick that you end up in hospital or ICU.

So yes we are just passed the peak, but this is a long long way from over. The next wave if we are not careful and get bored or don’t think it will happen to us, will be much worse. Please stick to the lock down, that is the only way to protect our communities and our economy.

Trust me you do not want to get this or pass it on to a loved one.

Stay home, stay safe, protect you community.