It has been nearly a week since I started with symptoms. Yesterday I think was the worst day I have had. The coughing fits seemed more frequent and I was more fatigued than I have been. Last night was pretty rough too, I woke about 2 am with a cough, that just wouldn’t stop. I brought myself downstairs and then had a fitful sleep, waking again abou 5:30 coughing again. I am still coughing with a banging headache. I have a feeling today is going to get worse. The nausea has returned, and I am trying to have a warm drink.
I got through the day yesterday in part listening to playlists on Spotify. I have a few go to playlists. Both I have listed on here before, one is funk and soul that is always great to the lift the spirits. Have a look through my previous blogs to find it.
However mine and Lisa’s favourite playlists is entitled ‘My Boys’. Both my sons are in different bands. Ben is the bass player for Vialetters (if you live in Hull you may have heard of them). Jack is in a relatively new band called Speakeasy, he is the rhythm guitarist. I am biased but I think they are rather good. The amazing thing is just thinking about them makes me smile and makes the day more bearable. If you are struggling to find something positive, look for something that makes you smile. A favourite book, an old album, a musical, a comedy. Anything that makes you feel warm and fuzzy. Indulge yourself in it. Make sure you find something everyday to make you smile. Be creative, the Internet is a wonderful place for finding old favourites. I sometimes search you tube for old clips and songs.
In the mean time here is my play list to make you smile.
I mentioned yesterday that day 5 is apparently the peak. I hope it was, I don’t fancy repeating that again.
After I wrote my entry yesterday I went back to bed and slept though to the afternoon. I had coughing fits all day, and felt generally awful. Now I know I am getting a mild version of this virus. I can still manage to eat and drink and I am managing to stay at home. Want I want to be clear is that I am not feeling sorry for myself, but what I want to do is to highlight what it feels like to have the symptoms of this virus and how important it is to isolate and not spread this virus. Even at it’s mildest it is really quite rubbish, and we know for a significant number of people it is deadly. So please stay at home.
I was hoping that today I would be feeling a lot better. Maybe I was being a little unrealistic. My chest is tight and is really hurting. My cough overnight seem better, but is back with a vengeance this morning. My head feels hot and it feels like I have pins sticking into my scalp. Most of all I feel beaten up. Maybe this is just the last throws of the virus and I will start feeling better this afternoon.
Obviously at the moment I am sat or laying on my sofa staring out of the window, and I am noticing how many people I have never seen before are walking down my street. Now it is wonderful that people are taking exercise, but I think we all need to think about how far we are walking and how necessary all these trips are. We have to remember why we are being asked to stay at home. This is to slow and eventually stop the progress of this virus. So looking for loopholes in rules to try and get out as frequently as you can is working against this. If you have an elderly or vulnerable relative or neighbour then please stay in for them. If you keep looking for excuses to go out you are putting them at risk, maybe not straight away but maybe 6 months down the line. I know it takes a mindset shift that is not easy. The stark question you need to ask yourself is; what is more important you going for a stroll or someone’s life? If you stay in you will be saving not just one life but potentially hundreds of lives.
This has taken me ages to write so I am going to sign off now. Stay inside, stay safe, save a life.
Yesterday I felt bored. I managed to watch 4 films and was bored out of my skull. This I my book was a good thing. This meant I was feeling better, which meant I was nearer recovering and getting back to work.
So day 5 wasn’t going to be so bad after all.
Well so far so bad I woke up coughing over an hour ago with a pounding head and I have not stopped coughing since.
I wanted to write something just in case I feel worse later. If I feel better later I will write another entry otherwise I will catch up with you all tomorrow when I will be over the worst and a day nearer getting back to work.
Well it turns out I have something in common with Boris. Get well soon Boris and Matt. This disease does feel like a juggernaut relentlessly rumbling around the world in an unstoppable wave of destruction. The only way to beat this is to stay inside as much as you can. Reducing contact reduces the ability for the virus to spread.
That brings me to Disney, in a feverish haze the other day I signed up for Disney+ for a bit of escapism. Since then I have been watching Marvel films. What we need are our own Avengers to kill off this virus. Maybe that is the answer all of us can be our own Avengers. It is time for us all to pull together and fight it. The most heroic thing to do is do nothing, stay at home. If you have kids who are struggling to stay in, play to their sense of justice and community. If they stay in they are saving the planet. If they are little dig out or make up their super hero outfit. Give everyone in your house a super hero name. So come on let’s do this let’s save the plant and be our own super heroes. Mine is Wheezy the Coughing Crusader.
An update on my symptoms, yesterday morning was awful, my temp was up and felt dreadful. By the afternoon I started to feel better and since then I have had waves of coughing and high temperature. Thankfully these waves only last minutes rather than hours. Overnight I developed a new symptom of nausea overnight. I am only day 4, but I do feel I am improving. Onwards and upwards.
Remember let’s all be our own super hero. So from Wheezy The Coughing Crusader “Avengers Assemble”
Wasn’t that emotional last night? I stood on the back step as Lisa and the boys were at the front door and I didn’t want to get too close. For those of you that know me you wont be surprised that I shed a tear.
In October last year I gave up my Nursing registration to concentrate on my role as Coaching Lead and Organisational Development Practitioner (I’m gonna need a bigger badge). On Friday night I applied to go back on emergency register. I am now waiting for the email from the NMC telling me I am back on. Last night I knew I had done the right thing. When this virus leaves me I can then get back to work, initially supporting my colleagues on the helpline and as part of the psycho-social support offer. I know that I can go to the wards and work alongside my clinical colleagues when I need to.
I am now on day three of the symptoms and each day it gets worse. The cough seems less evident but I have no energy and it feels like someone has been jumping on my chest. Breathing is hard work, in the respect I have never really noticed my breathing before, but now I am having work a little harder to open up my lungs. When I do cough it is dry, rasping and hurts like hell. This is apparently mild. So if you do not need to go out please stay in. If you get this, boy will you know about it, and if you give this to someone you love who is vulnerable, you will make them very ill and worse still they could die. I look at my family and feel so guilty that they may start getting ill in the next few days.
Yesterday I started with a persistent cough. That persistent cough has now changed into waves of coughing fits and spikes in temperature. So I fluctuate from feeling OK to feeling really unwell, which is irritating to say the least. My chest is killing me due to all the coughing. On top of that watching the news is making me feel guilty and I want to get back to work to support my friends. Saying that it looks like it might be worse soon so I will be busy when I get back and will be immune.
On a positive note I finished my assignment this morning for my exec coaching course, and submitted it a day early, just in case I am too poorly tomorrow. The sun is shining and Holly (my dog in the picture) has been able to get out in the garden so has not been a pain about not going for a walk.
We had a lovely surprise today when a friend dropped off a bag of food for us. The best thing was it had biscuits and bacon in it. What was especially touching was that they did this on their wedding anniversary. They are truly a special couple, and we were really touched by their kindness. I have witnessed some wonderful acts of kindness over the past couple of weeks.
This afternoon I am resting on the sofa reading a book on leadership and thinking about what we can learn about our leadership in the NHS during this crisis. One thing I am noticing is that the staff in our Trust at all levels are doing things that a few weeks ago would have been considered impossible. This pandemic is highlighting that there are some exceptional leaders throughout the Trust. We need to take note of what we have achieved and learn from it.
I have had this annual leave day planned for a while. Well a month or two. As many others I had one day left to take before the end of March.
My assignment is due in for my coaching and mentoring course on Friday so as a last minute Larry I decided to do it today and tomorrow.
Well I woke up this morning with a little tickle in my throat. This was at 5:30 this morning. I got up to let the dog out for a wee, and that was when the coughing started. I was stood in the kitchen coughing, trying to decide if this was it or not, and trying to wake up. The coughing just got worse. At one point I couldn’t stop. Then is subsided, Lisa got up and we had a discussion about me being a worry wort. I said to myself I would give myself another 30 minutes. I desperately did not want to declare it as COVID 19 symptoms and lock Lisa and the boys into the house for 2 weeks. It didn’t stop it kept going. By 7 I had to admit I had the symptoms. I feel well other than the cough, and the headache, painful throat and painful chest. So I rang the telephone line I had manned the day before and condemned myself to 7 days isolation and 14 days for my family.
I felt and feel guilty that they cannot go out. We then let everybody know who needed to. We have some wonderful friends and colleagues who have offered to support us. My boss Lucy is dropping off some essential supplies later.
In between my coughs I have started writing my assignment and have managed to get 2/3rds of it done. I am knackered no so will finish it in the morning. Lisa who is fine at the moment is making the most of the sun and is tidying the back garden. The boys are composing music in between taking the micky out of their Dad.
Hopefully this is as bad as it gets and I can get some work done from home.
Once again I want to thank our wonderful friends and colleagues who have offered to get supplies for us, you are all heroes.
Depending on levels of excitement I may not submit and entry tomorrow for fear of boring the socks off you all. Stay safe stay at home, keep busy and keep you spirits up.
I missed yesterday, I worked a 12 hour shift and just was too tired to write anything when I got in, plus Boris was on the telly when I got in.
Boy a lot has happened since I last wrote an entry. On Sunday after I had finished my entry we raced across to Manchester to pick up my oldest son. His work had finished, and there was no more university. I was pleased and sad to see him at the same time. We were so desperate to have him home and safe, but we felt so desperately sad that he couldn’t continue to live independently, but financially for him it just did not make sense.
I don’t know about you but I had spent the weekend wondering if I had symptoms. Clearly I hadn’t and I was just overthinking everything. This was brought into stark reality yesterday, when I spoke to a number of people over the phone who were clearly showing symptoms of covid-19. On the whole the cough is pretty obvious, the vast majority of them were unable to control their cough and could not get more than two words out before they coughed again. Now I know I don’t have it.
So I have spent 12 hours yesterday and 7 1/2 hours today on the phone to staff, who either have symptoms or have relatives who have symptoms, as well as answering questions of those people who are worried about their loved ones and how they can carry on caring for their patients and the vulnerable people they love. It has been tiring and at times upsetting. Most of all I feel immensely proud to be working in the NHS alongside some incredible people. I hope I am making a difference and helping people to do their jobs caring for our patients. I have learned over recent years to care for myself as well as caring for others. That is one of the reasons for writing this blog. I am also practicing accepting my emotions and letting myself off the hook when I feel frightened. It is important to accept it is normal to be anxious at the moment. These are extraordinary times, and no one really knows what is going to happen next, therefore anxiety is inevitable. This morning I was watching the news eating my breakfast, and I found myself crying, it hit me in a wave of fear. For a moment I wondered how I could possibly be strong enough to go to work. I just let myself cry, I let myself feel scared, it passed after a few minutes and I managed to get my coat on and walk to work. I even managed to take some pictures of my journey.
I got to work and did what I needed to do, just like thousands of other people today.
What I have noticed in myself recently, is that I have become more tolerant during this crisis. I have realised that we are all unsure, we are all experiencing this for the first time, and we are all going to get things wrong at the moment, even though we a trying our best to do the right thing. Rules have changed, or don’t exist and are heads are full of our own worries and concerns. So if things don’t go right at the moment, if some of the government’s guidance and the guidance from managers seems occasionally confusing, please remember we are all doing this for the first time, and we are all scared and want to get it right.
So lets give ourselves and others a break, we will get better at this, so in the meantime be kind.
Back in October I came off the Nursing Register after 30 years. I had changed my role in the NHS to a non-clinical role as a Senior Organisational Development Practitioner and Coaching Lead. I didn’t need to be a Nurse and was certain I would not keep my skills up necessary to maintain my registration. Little did I know. On Thursday and Friday it was dawning on me that the steady stream of Nurses that were ringing up with symptoms or having to isolate because family members had symptoms will eventually turn into a torrent, and some serious re-organising would be required. So as well as the supportive, well being role I can provide, my nursing experience will also be needed. Last night I responded to my email from the NMC (Nursing and Midwifery Council) and applied to go back on the temporary register. Once the emergency legislation is passed in the coming days and a state of emergency is declared in the NHS, I will be placed on the register and will be able to practice as a Registered Nurse.
I am scared and apprehensive, not about being a nurse, to be honest I have not been away from the role long enough to have moved completely away from the identity of a nurse. I am apprehensive about what we all might be facing in the coming weeks, and how resilient I can be. I am comfortable with what I can and cannot do, and I willing to learn new skills or revise old ones. As a younger nurse working in very busy stressful environments I had been in positions where I was at the limit of my competence and capability. That was hard and stressful but it was always possible to ask for help, reconcile and learn from what I had happened. What is different now, and I think there are a lot of staff in healthcare that have this in the back of their minds, is that we all may be putting our own and our loved ones health at risk when we go to work. For some of us this may be theoretical, but I tell you what this is a new one on me. Even writing it down seems overly dramatic, and something you might hear in a Hollywood disaster movie. Then again these are unprecedented times, who knows what we are supposed to think anymore. I have concluded any worry or emotion I am feeling is legitimate. To be honest most of the time I don’t know what to think.
Yesterday was a tough day, mainly because I was not at work. I was left to my own devices. I found myself obsessing with the news and social media, overthinking everything and spending far too much time in future and nowhere near enough in the here and now. I had to steal myself away and do something useful that brought my attention to the future, and distracted me from my fears of the future. To some extent it was successful I did end up spending around 25% of my time yesterday not overly worrying. If it helps this is what I did:
Took the dog for a walk. She is old and slow but she does look cute when she shuffles along. To lift my mood I listened to a funk playlist. Yesterday the weather was lovely so I could take in the beauty of my surroundings with a soundtrack of Sly and the Family Stone
After a fix of social media and covid-19 news I went into the garden to cut the grass, accompanied by some funky baselines. This was the first cut of the year, so was quite a challenge. I sensibly graded the cuts so I did not rip the grass out of the ground (you can tell how desperate I am to normalise, I am actually blogging about cutting my grass).
I started writing an assignment for unit 6 of my coaching and mentoring level 7 course. I could not concentrate though, by this time my head was swimming.
As Jack my youngest was going into work, to clean the pub he works in, he needed his tea early, so I rather ponderously prepared his tea of salt and pepper chicken with the back drop of a Soul playlist. There is nothing better to cook to than a bit of soul music, and it just lifts your spirits.
The evening was spent watching season 1 of Spooks on the BBC iPlayer. I cannot believe it is 18 years old, and although very entertaining has really dated.
You get the gist I tried to keep the day as mundane and normal as possible. It worked for a while and will take more practice. I know we have to acknowledge what is happening, it is also important to keep doing normal stuff, something to quieten your chimp and make you feel comfortable.
I keep telling myself to pace myself, this is going to be long haul, and I don’t want to use up all my nervous energy too soon. After all it is not about winning the game it is all about staying in the game for as long as you can.
Just in case like me you are partial to a bit of funk, here is my playlist to brighten your Sunday.
I was manning the phones on our staff helpline when news came through that all pubs and restaurants would be closing. To be honest we were all expecting it, even wanted it to happen to try to halt the spread of the virus. But when the news came it shocked me, it added to the already surreal situation we are all facing. Both my boys work part-time in Pubs. Jack my youngest lives at home as up until Thursday he was at college doing his ‘A’ Levels. By yesterday evening he was no longer a student and no longer able to work. Ben my oldest is doing a Music Journalism degree in Manchester, and works in a bar to supplement his student loan to pay his bills. As he has a zero hours contract the bar he works in cannot pay him for his cancelled shifts, therefore he will be coming home, and trying to get a job, maybe in a supermarket or at a hospital. Jack will be doing the same.
So that happened in the afternoon, at 11 am I went into work to do a shift on the help-line. When I got to the hospital there was a queue outside the canteen as staff were collecting their free loaves of bread donated to us by a local bakery. Shift workers at the hospital have been finding it difficult to get hold of bread and other items from the shops as every time they managed to get to the shops many of the shelves were empty. This was definitely a morale booster. But I will air a word of caution, it is difficult at the moment, but not anywhere near as hard as it will be in the future, and it is not just us in the NHS who will be sacrificing a lot over the coming months. So my plea is to be generous and kind to everybody that is providing us all a service over the coming months . Look after our businesses large and small, help all the emergency services and healthcare providers by staying at home, as much as you can, and think about what you can do to help yourself, before access hard pushed services.
The bread donation was lovely as was the other free stuff and discounts offered by companies large and small, but it just added to the strangeness of our lives.
The phone lines did not seem to be as busy yesterday, as they had seemed on Thursday. I spent the day listening and talking to confused, scared, frustrated and sometimes sick people. Sometimes I felt like I had done a good job and allayed people’s fears and gave them the space to work out what they need to do, and then sometimes I felt as if I could not help others.
All day I was in the moment and faced what came my way, at some points I felt comfortable and other points I felt challenged, but I just did it. When I got home it hit me like a wall of fear and sadness, some of it mine, some of what I heard over the day, and some if it I imagined people were feeling. I felt overwhelmed, so I sat on my sofa and just let everything wash over me. Thankfully Brene Brown’s podcast Unlocking Us, had just dropped. So I put my headphones on and immersed myself in her warm, comforting voice. She talked about the pandemic and articulated perfectly how it feels and that it is new for all of us, and when we experience newness and uncertainty, it is very difficult, and we can get through by articulating and talking about our emotions. It helped me so much.
When the podcast had finished, I put Let it Be on by The Beatles on spotify and let my emotions wash over me.
Now I chose Let it Be, because my son had sent me a draft of an article he had written reviewing his favourite Beatles album. To be honest that article was a beacon of light in quite a dark day. If I had not read that I would not have thought about listening to the album and then really connecting with the song Let it Be, which is now my soundtrack for this pandemic so thank you so much Ben for helping me connect with my emotions.
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