Time to connect!

I have been writing a book and based my approach to coaching on the idea of connected living.

The idea is that we first need to connect and understand ourselves before effectively connecting with those around us. So if we pay attention to ourselves and treat ourselves well, we will be better able to pay attention to those around us.

Now this is nothing new, and is based on some sound research conducted by many great minds such as Brene Brown and Martin Seligman to name just 2. Connected Living is my take on these findings, basically this is how I make sense of it, therefore there will be some of you may well find it helpful too. Now I am halfway through writing the book, so it will be some time before you will be able to read it.

Don’t worry though, if you want to find out more, you can search my blog for plenty of tips. I will also give you a checklist you can use as a starter in this blog. If you live in Hull or East Yorkshire you can book a series of coaching sessions to work through the connected living process face to face, or if you live further away, you can connect with me via messenger or video messenger to go through the process. Even better news is that all my packages are half price if you book them in January 2020. If you are not sure have a free chemistry meeting on me. So here is the Connected Living Checklist to get you started:

  • Check your well-being; do you have positive emotion daily, are you engaged in activity daily, do you have positive relationships, does your life hold meaning, when did you last accomplish something?
  • Explore your view of the world
  • Practice viewing your world from a different perspective
  • Understand why you react to events the way you do
  • Practice responding rather than reacting
  • Understand why you behave the way you do
  • Understand you preference for decision making
  • Discover why you are attracted to certain people
  • Explore whether you are connecting to the right people
  • Discover why you need to connect with others
  • Appreciate that others are as complex as you
  • Commit to action

If you want to put the checklist into action get in touch have the first session on me and then take advantage of half price sessions if you book in January 2020.

Start making the most of your life now.

Don’t get sucked into the rhetoric of division

Yesterday I posted a blog about inclusion at work and how embracing the diversity within our workplace will improve creativity and productivity. Today I woke up to more news of division in the world we live in. Our world seems more divided than ever. The news it appears is full of hate.

Whether you agree or disagree with the President of USA, it is so important that we do not get sucked into an us or them. You are either with us or against us. Everywhere we look at the moment there is an encouragement to take sides. Today’s news is dominated with the assassination of an Iranian General by the USA and the rights and wrongs of this decision, and that this may lead to a wider conflict. For some this will fuel hate towards Iran, USA, President Trump, Muslims, Jews, Christians, Boris Johnson, or Jeremy Corbyn. They generally seem to be popular targets of hate depending on your position. The consequences of all this hateful rhetoric is that innocent people in the middle east, the Cities of Europe, Cities of USA, or even any Cities around the world are put at real risk of harm. I read a comment from a Student who lives in Baghdad who said that he fears that the innocent and poor of Iraq will suffer again because USA and Iran hate each other.

Now here is the thing, I have heard so many anecdotal stories from people that have visited Iran, Iraq and USA, and they all describe people that are warm and friendly. I am going to hazard a guess that no matter where you go in the world you will find warm and generous people. Humans are essentially the same, we are on the whole warm and generous if given the opportunity.

Is it about time we stop buying into this rhetoric of division and hate, that is peddled by some of our leaders and media. All it is doing is playing to our fears and our innate desire to protect ourselves and others. When we respond to this bullshit we do not make ourselves safer. We make the world more dangerous. I can only guess why our press and leaders peddle this, but I imagine it has more to do with power and wealth than keeping me and you safe.

The world would be a much poorer place if we all agreed with each other. We learn through discourse and taking on differing views. Having a different view of the world is not a reason to hate someone. We all need to start listening to understand, rather than to judge. I urge you all not to let this rhetoric infect they way you behave towards your fellow humans.

Are you missing out on connecting with people that are different from you?

Do you find yourself attracted to people similar to yourself. How many of the people you regularly connect with have a completely different view of the world to you.

Now you might have a diverse group of friends, connections and acquaintances, but I will hazard a guess that the majority of us prefer to connect with people that have similar if not the same views as ourselves. It is after all human nature. It is the primitive part of our brain (limbic system) that drives this desire to be in groups that are similar to us. I a more primitive world we needed to protect ourselves from rival tribes who may be competing for the same food sources, and territory. The issue is we do not live those primitive times anymore, and our limbic system has not evolved sufficiently to differentiate actual and perceived threat. However our frontal lobe has evolved sufficiently to make these distinctions and if used enough will become good at it.

The world we live in, is a much smaller place and the majority of us come into contact and work with people from all over the world. Healthcare is far more advanced than ever, therefore people with long-term conditions, or disabilities have much better outcomes and along with improved access are more able to contribute to the communities they work in and be part of the workforce. On top of this many societies are more liberal than ever, therefore people are empowered to express their beliefs, sexuality, and gender orientation.

Therefore our workplaces are much more diverse than they have ever been. This provides us with a unique opportunity for us all to grow and learn, not only as individuals but as a society. There is also a wonderful opportunity for organisations to be much more creative, utilising the vast array of lived experiences presented on any given day.

Now the only problem is that pesky limbic system getting in the way and trying to prevent us from embracing difference and accepting an opposing view. Biologically we cannot prevent this automatic response to difference as a potential threat. However the limbic system always refers to our memory bank before coming up with a response. Therefore it is possible to modify the response to a more inclusive inquisitive response. If your memory bank stores a memory that people you work with are not a threat to your well-being, even if they have different coloured skin, a different accent, different sexuality or even different profession. Then the most useful thing to do is to gather more information about them before making a judgement.

Even if you make a judgement about them after gathering more information and you decide you do not want a closer friendship with them, should not exclude connection, by seeing the value of their different view of the world.

Instead of seeing new people that are different to you as a threat, see a potential opportunity to learn from each other. If you want to grow as an individual, organisation and society it is vital to seek out views of the world that are different to you own. If you stick to what you know you will never grow, when all of those around you continue to.

How are you at giving and receiving feedback?

Whenever you read an article or a chapter on leadership or communication, there is always a section on how important feedback is. In reality though it is something that is rarely appears done well.

Now I have been thinking about my own experiences of giving and receiving feedback, both first hand and second hand. In most cases it was a car crash. When I think about what was happening to me when I was giving feedback and receiving it, Jack Canfield’s success formula (Event + Response = Outcome) came to mind. It was always my response to either giving or receiving feedback that resulted in me either having a good or a poor outcome to the feedback.

When I am giving feedback I will often worry about how it will be received even though I know I want to help. I will be thinking about the feedback in terms of positive and negative and how that will make the person feel, rather than thinking about the intention of the feedback.

When I am receiving feedback, I will latch on to all that I perceive as negative, and not hear what the intention of the feedback is. I will rely on recalled memories and use the feedback as confirmation of my inability to do something. I will miss the opportunity that the feedback has offered me.

Sound familiar? Want to get more out of giving and receiving feedback? Here are 2 helpful checklists one for giving and one for receiving feedback.

Giving feedback

  • Is the purpose of the feedback to improve performance?
  • Is the content of the feedback supportive?
  • Does the feedback promote interdependence? (does it encourage the recipient to work with others to improve the outcome)
  • Is the feedback factual?
  • Does the feedback create accountability?
  • Does the feedback assume the recipient have the capacity to achieve?
  • Is the feedback being delivered in a timely manner?
  • Is the feedback yours to give?

Receiving feedback

  • Can I be generous towards the spirit in which this feedback is being offered?
  • How can this feedback enhance my performance?
  • Can I recognise and put a name to the emotions I am feeling right now?
  • Can I recognise the stories I am telling myself to justify my emotions?

We all have a responsibility to improve how we deliver and receive feedback if we want to learn the most from our experiences.

Where has the time gone

30 years ago this morning, I worked my first ever shift as a Student Nurse.

I started my Nurse training in the October, and I then spent the next 3 months in the class room with brief visits to the wards.

After a short break for Christmas I started my first placement on Ward 21 at Kingston General Hospital on 1st January 1990. I know, I can’t believe that 1990 was 30 years ago either. I was 18 and a little bit hung over (quite a lot actually), in fact I was a little bit late. I had foolishly decided to go to a New Years Eve party and thought I would be able to party on down and still manage to get up on time and feel well. The truth was I was half an hour late and felt quite poorly.

Ward 21 at Kingston General Hospital was a Medical Elderly Ward, so therefore was very busy. It wasn’t long before I was too busy to feel sorry for myself. The winter of 89/90 was a particularly bad flu season, and there was a lot of very poorly patients on the ward. My feet barely touched the floor. Now I was quite a sheltered 18 year old and had never done a hard days work in my life. My shift finished at 3:15pm and I walked a mile back to Hull Royal Infirmary, where my Nurses’ Residence was. That was a long walk I can tell you. I got into my room at about 4pm, my hangover had come back with a vengeance, so I decided to rest my head for a little while. The next thing I know I am waking up in the dark and my clock says 7:00. I say to myself no not again! I jump out of bed and start rushing round getting ready, I come out of my room with my uniform on heading to the bathroom and someone on the corridor asks what i am doing and am I not coming for a drink. It was 7pm! So yes I went for a drink, and I remembered I was on a late shift the next day anyway.

A lot has happened since then, as you would expect really in 30 years, unless my life had been extremely dull.

I am still in Hull, I still work for the NHS. I never made a conscious decision to stay in Hull, in just happened. By the time I qualified I had met Lisa, so it just felt right to stay, then we moved in together, I did my Sick Children’s Nurse training, then we got married and had the boys. I love living in Hull. I love Hull, I consider it my home, and I cannot contemplate living anywhere else. Then again I never imagined I would stop working as a Nurse (some of my colleagues my suggest I never started), but this year that is exactly what I did, so I suppose never say never, as you just don’t know what is coming next.

They say time flies when you are enjoying yourself, and I can definitely say I have had a lot of enjoyment over the past 30 years. Some sadness of course and some very difficult times, but on balance it got me exactly where I need to be right now.

Here’s to another 30!

Music that has made me smile/sometimes cry this year

As many of you will already know, music plays an important part in my life. You will also know that both my sons are musicians. Ben is in Vialetters (If you have never heard them, firstly why not? Secondly don’t worry they are on the playlist above) and Jack is in a band called SpeakEasy, they have not released anything yet but will be soon. SpeakEasy play their first gig on 26th January at The New Adelphi in Hull, feel free to pop along and support them.

Anyway music is my go to place when I am feeling emotional, and I will often make playlists to soundtrack my life. The playlist above is of songs, many of them new to 2019 that provoke emotion in me. Many of them will make me smile, some will make me sad. All of them take me away from myself for a few minutes.

This year has been an up and down year, and the songs on this playlist have been there for me throughout the year. They are all special in their own way, but none more than the songs my son plays on. They are by far my favourite songs of the year as they make me feel so proud. Next year (2020) I will have 2 bands that will make me feel this way. That makes me feel so blessed, that my sons make something that feels my heart with joy.

The best thing about music and the internet age is that I can share with you some wonderful tunes. If you don’t have spotify, look up the songs on you-tube you will be able to access them for free.

I hope are able to listen and get as much enjoyment out of this playlist as me.

Happy New Year to you all!

So what’s next?

We survived Christmas! Ate too much drunk too much? Hopefully we all had chance to rest, reflect and celebrate the year?

What are my plans for next year?

Over the past few blogs I have talked about how to create the right environment for change, and how to improve your chances of success. So I thought I would share with you what I am planning for the year ahead.

To be honest most of these plans I have started already, but I am planning on completing them or moving them on at a pace (some of them are more long term).

So here is my list for this year:

  • Continue to lose weight and reverse this pre-diabetic state
  • Complete the Strategic Coaching and Mentoring Diploma
  • Finish the Connected Living Book and start process of getting published
  • Write an internal coaching and mentoring course
  • Introduce myself to the world as a Coach, Facilitator and Motivational Speaker.

Continue to lose weight and reverse this pre-diabetic state

Well I started this journey in November and have lost about half a stone. My plan is to adjust my lifestyle and make a permanent change to how I live, rather than go on a strict diet to lose weight. As mentioned on many occasions having an away from goal such as losing weight is often doomed with failure. Having a towards to goal is much more likely to achieve success. Therefore my goal is to have a lifestyle that improves my chances of having a healthy old age and being able to enjoy being an active Grandparent for my future Grandchildren. This is a long term goal with a downward trend in weight to measure it along with 6 monthly blood tests to establish if I am reversing this pre-diabetic state. I want to hit my ideal weight of 12 stone by March 2021.

Complete the Strategic Coaching and Mentoring Course.

Again this is something that started in 2019 that will come to a conclusion in May 2020. I am just in the process of completing unit 4 of 7. There are 7 assignments all around 3500 words long, these assignments come every 6 weeks for 42 weeks, so the pace is sort of relentless. The pay off for this is that it will better place me to establish a robust coaching and mentoring culture within the organisation I work. It is giving me the insight and skills to develop a policy for coaching and mentoring and how to connect this with the strategic direction of the organisation. It will also support me with my private coaching practice, with regarding expanding my offer to more executive coaching and how executives can influence the culture of their organisation with a coaching and mentoring approach.

Finish the Connected Living book

This has been an ongoing project of my for a while now. I am over half way through the overview. So over the first half of the year I will be completing the overview, before editing and expanding the chapters for it to be ready as a finished product to share by the end of year. The next aspect then will be working out how to get it published. At the moment though I concentrating on being near finishing it before I put a lot of effort into thinking about publishing it. All I plan to do is finish writing it this year, and then getting it published in 2021. This is a labour of love, which outlines my philosophy when coaching and mentoring people, it is also a very useful guide to how to manage your life. So for all of you that have been supporting me with this, thank you and it is still a thing.

Write an internal coaching and mentoring course

This is something I will be starting from fresh in 2020. I have had some ideas and have been researching how to get it accredited (as this will inform structure and content). This will be a course for employees of the organisation I work for to support the development of the coaching and mentoring culture and ensure the ongoing growth of our coaching and mentoring network. It is going to be a tall order to get this completed and accredited in a year, however by the end of the year I plan to have a functioning and active course that is ready to be accredited. A lot of work but achievable, having a fully accredited course by the end of the year I feel is too much. But starting a pilot is very possible.

Introducing myself to the world as Coach/Facilitator/Public Speaker

This is a mindset shift for me. I am already a coach and a facilitator internally for the organisation I work for, I have also spoken at a conference internally. I am a coach externally but at a low key level. This year I want to raise my profile and reduce the hindering words I tell myself, that limit my ability to sell my skills to a wider public. I know I am a skilled communicator and have a lot of experience coaching a wide range of people. I am a highly skilled facilitator, creating a rich learning environment for the participants. The feedback I get on a consistent basis tells me this. I have also noticed my skills evolving and having had car crash sessions (both coaching and facilitating) I know what good and bad feel like. I can communicate my subject matter effectively so I know I can command an audience for a short time at a conference. Leadership, coaching, mentoring, human factors (risk management) and personal effectiveness are the areas I can speak on and facilitate with confidence. So over the next year you will be hearing a lot more from me, pushing my skills and offering my services via social media and on a one to one basis.

If you want to get in quick and hire me before I become to popular feel free to message me.

So that is my year. What are you going to be up to?

What has 2019 done for me?

2019 has been quite an eventful year. It would not be an exaggeration to say it has been an emotional roller-coaster.

My family throughout this have been my rock, in particular those 2 fine young men above, who have shown me how incredible and vital life is.

Earlier in the year (around April time) my mum became ill. Mum had never really had any serious illness before so this really shook us as a family. It made me realise how precious our time is together on this earth. To cut a long story short she is physically a lot better now, but has had to adjust her life and how she views it. Something that all of us, but more so my Mum is grappling with. I ring my her most days now, instead of once every now and then. It made me realise how important her love is to me (sorry if I made you cry Mum). Most of my spring and summer was spent travelling backwards and forwards to Mum’s. As a result spring and summer just flew by.

The summer saw Ben’s band playing two really important and big gigs. They played Hulls local festival in August and then played Bonus Arena supporting another local band (Bud Sugar). As you can suspect I cried on both occasions (tears of pride).

In September Ben left home, and moved to Manchester to start his journalism degree. That first week was so hard. What made it harder was that I realised that in another year we would be waving goodbye Jack who will be going off to University. The thought of this just feels so scary, our lives will then have changed forever. I am so proud of both my boys so Ben leaving home and Jack preparing to leave is a source of great celebration too. We have done a good job and they are an exceptional pair.

October was a double edged sword. I started my dream job as Coaching Lead and Senior Organisational Development Practitioner. This is the job that just fits my personality, I was so excited to start and then I got ill, not sure what it was, but it eventually showed that I have pre-diabetes and need to start looking after myself. So new job, and quite literally new lifestyle.

The end of October saw some happiness, as we celebrated a milestone birthday for Lisa by spending a couple of days in York, a much needed distraction and break.

That is the thing about this year and has been a year of change, especially the second half. Now don’t laugh at me, but when I was on a course the other week I had my cards read. That said I was at the beginning of a great change and all I had to do was embrace that change and start moving. Now I don’t normally pay attention to that kind of stuff but to be honest I am going with these, because that is what it feels like. This half of the year has been difficult, my mum’s illness, my illness, new job, Ben leaving home, and Jack leaving soon. My life is changing whether I like it or not my choice is to make a success of that change. Yes this year has been tough but essential, even inevitable, what I do next is vital. I could sit back and let stuff happen, or do as I have been doing and start writing my own story.

So come on 2020, what adventures shall we go on this year. I have got some ideas, lets have some fun and be remarkable.

What ever you are doing next, make it heartfelt, make sure you learn something new, make sure it is worthwhile, and if it doesn’t wok, take note make adjustments and start again. Most of all do it!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas and remember be kind

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all. I hope you all have a restorative, and fulfilling break.

Even though Christmas is about giving and sharing time with friends and family, we can often be obsessed with our own happiness and the happiness of our immediate circle. We can end up being uncivil with those that come in to contact with us. The roads are busier than normal, the shops are busier, everyone is trying to make their version of Christmas perfect, leading to us not realising the impact our behaviour is having on others. We all could benefit from an occasional pause, just to check ourselves ans slow down the last packet of sprouts or that perfect gift, getting to your destination a few minutes faster, or being on time for an event are not more important than someones well-being (both physical and mental). Is Christmas and the pursuit of one day of happiness worth that much that we are willing to sacrifice, ours and others mental health, as well as potentially ours and their physical health.

Lets remember to put all the festivities into perspective, and think of others.

Over recent years it appears kindness and civility seem to have been sidelined and divisiveness, and incivility are more and more common. Generally being rude to people around us seems normal. Suspicion and hostility to difference appear to be back on the rise, and this hostility is on all sides at times.

This atmosphere seems to be fueled by populist governments all over the world, sadly including our own, with the reasonable politicians in all political parties being sidelined, creating more and more division. It feels that we are unable to hold opposing opinions with people and still like or love them. This is so sad.

So lets make a difference this Christmas and beyond. Lets start listening to other opinions expressed. Instead of listening to judge their opinion, why not listen to understand it? We don’t have to agree, but we should understand why people hold a view different to you. If we all had the same view, the world we would never progress, we learn through challenge. If our view of the world is never challenged we would never grow. All the technology we use the societies we live in all came about through discourse. People with opposing viewpoints argued and pushed boundaries and came up with amazing ideas that shaped our world. Please lets not stifle discourse by attacking those different to us, lets listen to what they can offer.

Lets all play our part in making the world the best place it can possibly be, by showing kindness to all around us, listen to their stories and increase our understanding. That will only benefit us, rather than being suspicious and unhelpful.

Whether you are celebrating Christmas or not I hope happiness fills your lives and you can share special times with those that are important to you.