18/04/2020 I have done absolutely nothing today.

I woke up this morning at my usual weekend time of 7 am, and I felt quite well. I had no headache, no pain in my chest, no cough, and no breathlessness. Now I have been here before so I did not want to count my chickens. But it was quite a welcome relief, I was getting quite fed up. Thursday night I said I felt really unwell, and at one point I had a complete meltdown, I was so fed up. Yesterday was better, but I was still really tired, and had moments when I was breathless and felt rubbish. So I will take today. I am just beginning to feel tired, and my chest is a little tight, but nothing like previous days.

So I am determined that I am going to continue to feel like this, therefore apart from taking the dog out I have done nothing but sit on the sofa and watch TV. This afternoon I have watched highlights of the 1990 FA cup semi-finals on BBC1 and then an episode of Spooks on the iPlayer. Then I spent about 30 minutes shouting at the TV during the government’s daily update. Then I have just watched the news and shed a tear hearing about those we have lost and watching the story of Alice a Nurse working in ICU, she is a credit to all of us, and I salute her and all of my nursing colleagues who continue to give incredible care in really difficult conditions.

I was going to cook tea but I cannot be bothered so we are having a takeaway. I am hoping that is it now, but I have been here before, so I am being cautious. Tomorrow I might cut the grass, but I want to be firing on all cylinders at work next week. I felt that there were moments last week when I was not fully present, and I have so much to do next week, that needs me to be on form. So I am going to take it easy tomorrow and be on my game Monday morning.

I have not got a huge amount to say today. I have noticed my irritation levels with politicians and journalists is rising so I must be feeling better. I have to keep reminding myself to be generous but I am not noticing a huge amount of accountability at the moment from our leaders, and a distinct lack of challenge from our mainstream media. Anyway I have a rule not to discuss politics on my blog so I will leave it there.

Stay safe and I will update you tomorrow

17/04/2020 Just in case you were wondering it’s Friday

I missed yesterday, I was too tired and too fed up.

Today is a better day. I have been at work on both days, and both days were spent in the staff drop-ins. Yesterday I felt quite ill. There were times yesterday when I felt really ill and other moments when I felt quite positive. I think in hindsight I pushed myself too hard. I forced myself to be more positive and outgoing than I really felt. When I got home I ran out of energy. My mood was really low and physically I was done in. When I went to bed I was worried that I was getting worse again, and I did wonder if I would end up in hospital. My heart rate was up, I was breathing fast, and I was covered in sweet. My mind was racing and had to count my breathes (my go to mindfulness technique) my breathing started to slow and I managed to get to sleep for a few hours. I woke up after about 4 hours with a headache and a painful chest. My sleep was fitful after that and I still felt terrible.

My alarm went off at 6am and I lay there for a few minutes summing up my courage and energy to get out of bed. I mentally stole myself, pulled myself together and went into autopilot to get ready. I concentrated on the tasks at hand rather than worrying about what I was going to feel like today and what I felt like last night. I got dressed and breathlessly ate my breakfast. I took my time going to the bus stop, and I eased myself into the day, methodically collecting what I needed for our drop-in. Each time I felt ill I took a moment noticed what I was feeling and gave myself a bit of time to recover. I tried to spend as much of the day as possible in the moment and responding to my physical response.

I still feel ill, I still have a painful chest, but I do not feel exhausted as I did yesterday. Yesterday I was not paying attention to myself, today I did.

This virus is teaching me how to be more mindful and how to care for myself. I am great at helping other people learn to care for themselves, I don’t think I was ever that good at doing it for myself. This week I am learning how to show myself some care purely by necessity. My lesson of the day was to be more mindful and really pay attention to what is happening within me and give myself some space and time to recover. I think the most important thing I am learning though is to stop comparing my experience with others and not to expect more from myself than is possible. As Brene Brown would say; “You are enough Matthew.”

Just a short one again today, stay safe and I will catch you all tomorrow.

15/04/2020 I feel like the new boy

I have been into work today, my second attempt at returning to work. I was really nervous last night as I was last week.

I feel like the new boy. So much as changed in the 3 weeks I have been off. It has been 4 weeks since I did my proper job. Just before I went off sick I was manning the staff advice line in HR. Then I was off for 2 weeks and returned to work last as part of staff support. I then went back off sick and have now returned to staff support, among other things manning the staff support drop-ins and preparing a variety of other support initiatives. This is all brand new to me and it feels as if everyone else has got the hang of it whilst I have been away. They all seem to understand the rules for zoom and social distancing and it just feels really strange.

The bus journey in was strange and felt awkward with everyone nervously negotiating their way off the bus. As there is hardly any traffic the bus stops at a lot more stops to get the timings right. Everywhere was so quiet until we got to the hospital and at 7:45 it was a hive of activity with loads of people coming to work and tired night shift workers leaving work. It was hard work negotiating my way around everyone milling around without encroaching into their 2 metre exclusion zones. Eventually I got to the block where my office is and after a typical polite English exchange of “after you”, “no after you”, I reached the sanctuary of my office. I was breathless, flustered and a little emotional. I labelled my lunch and milk and put it in our communal fridge.

When I got back to my office I was greeted by one of my old nursing colleagues who is a specialist nurse and has an office on the same corridor as me. I have known her for over 20 years and had to resist the urge to give her a hug, something that pre-virus was my default greeting for old colleagues. She asked how I was and was genuinely concerned and we discussed our parents and how difficult it is for them at the moment, and how sad the whole situation is. I then got down to my new way of working, which in some ways was very similar like checking in with people that had been on our leadership programmes giving them useful information and checking that they are OK. Sometimes a genuine inquiry of concern even by email can be much appreciated when you are working hard. I then got onto to preparing support that we will offer in addition to drop-ins for staff. I checked in with my colleagues that were in today which was lovely, and we planned out work for the rest of the day.

Just before lunch it hit my like a brick wall. The chest pain and breathlessness was back followed by the headache and the cough. It was a reminder to slow my pace down and take it easy. I still had stuff to do. I slowed down got that done and then came home, to ensure I have enough energy to face tomorrow.

So I am now sat on the sofa, taking my time writing this. I needed to write this, it helps me sort out my thoughts and make sense of my emotions. I used to just write my blog once a week, but there is so much going on right now I need to put something down every day. Every time I start writing I always stare at the screen wondering what I am going to write about, and wonder if I will have enough to write about. Everyday so far for 3 weeks I have managed to write something. It is now one of, if not the most important thing I do to care for myself.

Why do I share my thoughts with everybody? It helps me to share what I write, it motivates me to write, and some people like what I write and it helps them. The thought that what I write helps people, helps me. When I first started writing a blog 3 years ago, about 2 people would read it and one of them was my wife the other was my mum. I am a bit braver now and share it a bit wider. I still don’t get huge numbers of readers but it is in the hundreds everyday. If a few people take something from it then I happy. More importantly though is that I get a huge amount from writing a blog especially when I feel as rubbish as I do at the moment. So if you are reading this thank you.

If you feel like there it too much going on and life is just too overwhelming try keeping a journal. Writing it down may help you make sense of what is going on in your head. You don’t have to share it, just writing it will sometimes be enough. Give it a go, and let me know how it goes. If you are feeling brave start a blog. Everyone on word press are lovely and really supportive of fellow bloggers.

Stay safe, and maybe see you tomorrow.

14/04/2020 Back at work

I went back to work today, albeit baby steps and working from home. Although I have had plenty to do work on much of the staff support we are offering at the hospital.

It was a little daunting at first as I had a faltering start last week. Obviously it was fine, and it was great to speak to my colleagues via zoom and start to be useful again. I am going in for the rest of the week and will be manning the staff drop ins on Thursday and Friday, then I will feel truly useful making a difference and supporting the amazing staff in our hospitals, who are all working so hard to keep us all safe, both clinical and non-clinical.

I have worked in the NHS all my adult life and I am so happy to be getting back to my other family after being away from them for 3 weeks.

I was thinking this morning about what I had written about yesterday, about being kind towards all of the people around us. Many of us are spending more time with our families than we are used to. We can often be less kind to our families than we should. We can be uncivil with those we love, as they will forgive us more than those that no us less. I can often be short with Lisa and my boys. It is so important that we pause and remember they are like us and are experiencing the same emotions as we are and need patience and support as much as we do. So when you feel that irritation or red mist forming take a breath, and tell yourself they are trying their best, just like you are, and it is just as new for them as it is for you. You love them and they love you so let them know even when they are getting on your nerves.

Like everything I suggest it takes practice. Sometimes you will react, but just notice when you do, apologise when you do react, and make amends.

I have written this on my phone and I am quite tired after a day at work so I hope it makes sense.

Stay safe

13/04/2020 20 days since my symptoms began

Nearly 3 weeks in and I am still experiencing symptoms, albeit a lot less. I must say I am getting a little fed with it. I am still getting breathless going for walks, and still getting headaches. Don’t get me wrong I feel so much better than I did, and when I hear stories of others I feel so lucky, and I do have to have a word with myself. As I keep saying though we all have to have our hippo time.

This morning I have been thinking about how I am responding to what is going on around me, and what is happening to me. I was always an emotional soul but I find myself feeling emotional a lot more than usual. I feel irritated more than usual, and find it difficult to focus on subjects for longer than a few minutes. I found myself this morning getting very angry with what I was hearing on the TV, and angry with people not doing what is asked of them. Then I went on Twitter (I was feeling like I needed to be wound up more) and found myself getting angry with the government, celebrities, and of course Donald Trump. Some of these responses if you asked my wife are not unusual, however it seemed more extreme and more acute. My tolerance of what is going on around me is more acute. I feel unsafe, insignificant and powerless.

No doubt many of you will recognise what I have just described as similar to what you feel like. That is my point, I would hazard a guess most of the world is feeling out of their depth at the moment. Most of us feel unsafe, insignificant and powerless. These feelings as you will recognise show up as feeling emotional, angry, irritated, lost, and can lead to poor behaviour. This poor behaviour is down to people doing the wrong thing when trying to do the right thing. We are not thinking effectively because of what is happening, and that includes our leaders, the people that run our governments, even ourselves.

So today I am practicing pausing, and taking stock before I react to people’s poor decisions including what I see on the news. Everything is new for all of us. We are all scared, but we all want to do what we think is the right thing. We are all trying our best from our view of the world. It is not easy but it does make me feel better. The realisation that we are all bricking it (shit scared) and trying to feel our way through this, makes me feel a lot less isolated and insignificant.

Be kind, be safe and stay inside.

12/04/2020 Happy Easter

I have always loved Easter, it has always felt optimistic to me. There is always the promise of warmer days ahead. Cherry blossom is in full bloom, there air smells fragrant with the scent of flowers, the sun feels warm on the skin and there is lots of chocolate.

Photo by Oleg Magni on Pexels.com

I woke this morning about 6 am, the sun was coming up there was a dew on the grass and the birds were in full song. What a glorious morning to lift my mood and shift my thoughts from the tragedy in the world to the beauty of the moment.

The news seems to get worse everyday, with 2000 people losing their lives in one day in the USA, sedatives used in Intensive Care in short supply in the West Midlands, and the death rate in the United Kingdom exceeding 10000. It is easy to say ‘turn the news off’ but we cannot sit in a bubble of false positivity. We have some how got to find a balance that keeps us informed without completely consuming us. It is important to be optimistic for the future without constantly looking for a silver lining that just is not there. If we constantly look for positives we will soon become disheartened and lose all sense of optimism.

I know I keep going on about it, but spending more time in the moment than in the future or the past is so important. It does give you a balanced view. Too much time in the future will always end in a loss of optimism. The future is either terrible or wonderful depending on your mindset, it is never real. What we do know about the future is that it will happen. It might be good, it might be bad, more than likely it will be both in parts as our present is. If we spend too much time in past we do nothing other than wish for a time that will never return, or be fearful to act so as not to repeat our past failures. The past is useful to use as a reference point and as a place of momentary sanctuary, but should never be a place of permanent residence. Spending time in the future is important when setting and planning goals, it is always useful to imagine your future destination, but again should not be a place of permanent residence. The present (I know I am repeating myself, but it is important) is real and therefore is the only important place of residence. So spend most of your time there. Appreciate what you have, notice what you haven’t got, be aware of what is happening in the wider world, and do what you need to do right now that will make the future that be easier for you when it becomes your present.

The sun has gone in now, it is still a lovely day, the sun will come out again, and the clouds will come back and it will rain at some point in the coming days. Things will be good and will be bad that is a given, how you respond to them is purely up to you.

I hope you have a good Easter Sunday.

Just a quick update on me, each day is easier, although I am still struggling to do anything that involves physical effort for longer than 30 minutes. Yesterday I spent the morning pottering after writing my blog. I emptied and filled the dishwasher, and made some holes in bottle tops to make a wind charm by lunchtime I was shattered, I had a headache and was breathless. I am hoping I will have more energy today, my chest is sore today but I am not overly breathless.

Take it easy today everybody, and stay safe.

11/04/2020 Preparing for the long haul

Good morning, it’s Saturday, the sun is shining Radcliffe and Maconie ( Weekend breakfast radio presenters on BBC 6 Music) are on the radio, today is starting to feel like a good day. Now there is a lot wrong with the day, which I won’t go into as it is a bit obvious, and we don’t need reminding. Now I am feeling better I am beginning to wonder how I am going to keep this up for the next month, and then how am I going to adjust to whatever we will face in the coming months.

If you have been a regular reader of my blogs most of this will feel familiar, as I have talked about how I have learned to live with my emotions and not try to deny them. Over the past 3 weeks this has been sorely tested and I know the coming months will be difficult too. With that in mind the hardest thing to deal with is the uncertainty of what we are facing.

I am finding the most important, most helpful behaviour I am adopting is simply going with the flow. I say simply, but to be honest, it may be simple to say, but it is brick hard to do. Going with the flow takes a lot of practice.

So what is going with the flow? For me it is accepting all of the emotions we experience, without exception, and knowing all emotions are fluid and if allowed to be heard and recognised will flow over you. Let me try to explain what I mean.

This morning right now I am sat with my laptop on my lap (as it was designed to be) writing my blog, drinking coffee listening to Lithium by Nirvana on the radio. I feel happy and contented. The music reminds me of happy times in Spiders Nightclub when I was younger, I love writing this blog, and I enjoy drinking coffee. All is good my emotions are positive, so it is easy for me to experience them and allow them to be. Some of us struggle with positive emotion and go into “too good to be true” mode and deny ourselves the positive emotion by looking for a catch or worrying about a catastrophe. Whenever I go abroad on holiday I always have a moment imagining the plane crashing into a side of a mountain, I then imagine getting to our destination and being told that there had been a terrible mistake and there would be nowhere for us to stay. You get the drift. We can often hijack our positive emotion by using our intuition. I know practice being in the moment when something good is happening, like right now. I practice noticing the physical sensation created by the emotion. I practice using my senses, what I am hearing right now, what I am feeling, what I am tasting, what I am smelling, and what I am seeing. I practice enjoying the moment for what it is.

I don’t know about you, but I have been conditioned from a young age to avoid pain, sadness and anger. I have always been taught that these sensations an emotions are negative, and we should always seek out positive emotions to counter these. Now pain, sadness and anger are not pleasant experiences, but they are essential and an inevitable part of life. Over the past few weeks I have experienced all of them in abundance. Now I have experienced a degree of physical pain because I have been ill, when it got too much I took paracetamol. But the pain was useful it let me know what parts of my body were effected and encouraged me to rest. Most pain no matter how unpleasant is a useful physiological response to a noxious stimuli. Emotions such as sadness, fear, anxiety, frustration, anger etc. in most circumstances (there are circumstances such as mental illness, and some neurological conditions that are not useful and will need attention of a health professional) are also useful and are a consequence of what is happening to you. Denying them or avoiding them will just prolong them and often make them bigger. It is so important to allow them to happen, accept them and understand them. I have learned to ask myself some questions about my emotions, thanks to reading Brene Brown’s and Paul McGee’s work.

I will ask myself:

What is happening to me right now?

What has caused me to feel like this?

What part did I play in this?

What could I learn from this?

What can I change?

What is beyond my control?

It will not make the emotion go away, but it allows me to understand the emotion and learn from it. It encourages me to create space in my mind for unpleasant emotions. Life is really difficult as well as being incredibly wonderful, therefore to fully appreciate life it is important to provide equal space for the good and bad. The only important aspect of life is life itself. We have to learn to live it rather than worry about it.

I found when I practice this, I can accept uncertainty far more. I able to resist the urge to attempt to predict the future, therefore the uncertainty of life at the moment worries me less. When I do start to be overwhelmed I can bring myself into the moment, and appreciate the life I am living now. After all the life we are living now is the only thing that is real.

Stay safe, be in the moment and have a good day.

10/04/2020 My Son’s Birthday

Ben my eldest is 20 today. 20! I know, hard to believe! Along with millions of others he is having a birthday in the house. He is making the best of it, but it is not the same as spending it with his friends and girlfriend. He did however point out that he had planned to be working today so he could spend next weekend with his girlfriend for her birthday. So he has got some presents, he has been for some exercise with his brother and laughed with his friends via technology, and we are going to have a takeaway later. It could be a lot worse.

I have spent most of the day sat in the garden reading. My lungs are still causing me a problem, even the short activities like emptying the dishwasher or taking out the rubbish makes me breathless, this is then accompanied by a headache and chest pain. I am not coughing as frequently as I was, so that is an improvement. A few more days of rest and I am sure I will be back to my normal self.

It was lovely sat in the garden earlier listening to the children laughing and playing in their gardens. It was so relaxing listening to the chatter of children, whilst watching the birds feed of our bird table, flying to and from the bird table and into the hedge when they heard a sound.

It can be so hard staying at home on a day like today, but so important. If you are getting the urge to go and sit in the park or go for an outing to the shops, then please pause and think. Imagine being in a hospital bed for 2 weeks struggling to breath wearing an oxygen mask, been attending to by Nurses and Doctors in masks and goggles, not being able to talk to your family. Please imagine that when you get the urge to leave you house for no good reason. It might be you in that hospital bed, or someone you love or someone you met that you passed the virus onto. Staying at home is the single most important thing you will ever do. There is nothing more important than saving someones life. For 30 years I was a nurse, and on a few occasions I have participated in actions that have saved peoples lives, I can tell you nothing compares to it. I have also cared for people that have died before their time, and that is heart wrenching, and I remember every single one of them. I am lucky, there are not too many to remember.

Please do something amazing, be a hero and stay at home.

As someone said on Facebook today, the sun will come out again, there will be another Easter, Ben will have another birthday.

Stay safe

09/04/2020 Not sure I want to speak too soon, but…

Yesterday physically I felt dreadful. The only good thing yesterday was Doris’ Wholehearted Book Club, the interaction on their really lifted my spirits. It really did put a smile on my face. For a couple of hours I didn’t really care how crap I felt and that it had been 15 days since my symptoms had started. Talking about books, that I love, and those I had never heard of was wonderful, made all the more special by the wholehearted people that joined me. At the last count we had 62 members. If you love books and just want a wholehearted chat about what you love, go on Facebook, type ‘Doris’ Wholehearted Book Club’ into the search bar and request to join. If you look like a friendly type we will let you join.

So today, dare I say it, I feel a little better (now I have been here before, albeit not 16 days in). My cough is more than yesterday but I don’t feel as breathless or tired. I took the dog for a short walk this morning for 5 minutes however and I was done in. But small victories I am on course for being fully recovered next week.

Now I am feeling a little better, I would just like to say this has been one of the worst viruses I have experienced. Now from a physical point of you it has been quite unpleasant, but the psychological effects have been terrible. The unpredictability of the symptoms is just horrible, that coupled with the widespread media coverage and knowing about the preparations being made at our local hospital and then knowing people that have been very ill and one of them losing their life has made this whole experience horrible.

Writing this diary and the overwhelmingly supportive response from all you lovely people has helped immeasurably. Being able to write about what I was feeling and working through how I was and still am managing the emotional as well as physical effects has been essential for me, and I hope it has helped some of you who are either experiencing similar symptoms or are just struggling with the whole experience. This is going to be a long haul and will continue to be very difficult, but we will get through it. I am going to continue to write a diary and publish it on this blog for as long as this crisis is on. Depending on how busy I am, it might not be everyday. I will keep sharing it on Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn. I will also share it to the Facebook groups in Chester, Hull and Willerby and Kirk Ella for as long as they are willing to share them, also feel free to share these blogs with your friends.

Remember give yourself an anchor, something to keep you connected to who you are and what is important to you. A go to activity that makes you feel secure, happy and connected to all around you. Keep being kind to yourself and others. Keep being imaginative and creative. By the time all this is over you will be doing things that you never dreamed of before it started. Like starting an online book club.

One last thing, we still need to defeat this virus. The best way we can do that (I mean us mere mortals) is to stop the likelihood of it spreading by staying in as much as we can. I still people going out to the shops everyday. Please stop doing that! You could be spreading this virus. Please don’t go sit in the park or go and play football in the park. All of these unnecessary journeys and activities could kill someone. That someone could well be the person on the checkout at your supermarket, a bus driver, a nurse, a porter, a radiographer, a doctor, or yourself.

If you fancy a bottle of wine and you don’t have one do without. Please!

Stay Safe.

08/04/2020 Apart from the book club, today has been a blur

I woke up this morning with a tight chest and a headache (so what is new). When I looked on Facebook a good friend of mine Tracy had put a post on saying she had been struggling a little bit and was asking if anyone wanted to join an online book club as the book club that she was going to at work had finished. She had accompanied her post with a picture of 2 of my favourite books by Brene Brown. So I was hooked, and I wanted to do something positive to lift my mood. So I started a private group on Facebook called Doris’ Wholehearted Book Club. The premise of the group is to share what you are reading and the books you love. It is all about sharing and supporting each other through what we love. So far there are about 30 people in the group. If you haven’t joined seek it out and request to join. There are no themes, it is just a space to share what you are reading, and to be inspired by what other people are reading. Lets see how many people across the country and even the world we can bring together.

So that was my positive action today, the rest of the time I have laid on the sofa, feeling breathless and sore but positive and optimistic. The sun is shining, people are kind and lovely and I will be feeling better soon. Today to be honest though has passed me by as I have been sleeping a lot of the afternoon.

I am reading 2 books at the moment by the way, well trying anyway. I am struggling to pay attention for more than a few minutes. But those books are a nerdy leadership book called Turn The Ship Around by David Marquet and La Belle Sauvage (Book of Dust Volume 1) by David Pullman. If you want to get involved please join the group and share some love.

I know it is not a long one but I am knackered and this has taken me ages to write. I promise as soon as I am feeling better I will make them longer and hopefully a little more interesting.