Well it turns out I have something in common with Boris. Get well soon Boris and Matt. This disease does feel like a juggernaut relentlessly rumbling around the world in an unstoppable wave of destruction. The only way to beat this is to stay inside as much as you can. Reducing contact reduces the ability for the virus to spread.
That brings me to Disney, in a feverish haze the other day I signed up for Disney+ for a bit of escapism. Since then I have been watching Marvel films. What we need are our own Avengers to kill off this virus. Maybe that is the answer all of us can be our own Avengers. It is time for us all to pull together and fight it. The most heroic thing to do is do nothing, stay at home. If you have kids who are struggling to stay in, play to their sense of justice and community. If they stay in they are saving the planet. If they are little dig out or make up their super hero outfit. Give everyone in your house a super hero name. So come on let’s do this let’s save the plant and be our own super heroes. Mine is Wheezy the Coughing Crusader.
An update on my symptoms, yesterday morning was awful, my temp was up and felt dreadful. By the afternoon I started to feel better and since then I have had waves of coughing and high temperature. Thankfully these waves only last minutes rather than hours. Overnight I developed a new symptom of nausea overnight. I am only day 4, but I do feel I am improving. Onwards and upwards.
Remember let’s all be our own super hero. So from Wheezy The Coughing Crusader “Avengers Assemble”
Wasn’t that emotional last night? I stood on the back step as Lisa and the boys were at the front door and I didn’t want to get too close. For those of you that know me you wont be surprised that I shed a tear.
In October last year I gave up my Nursing registration to concentrate on my role as Coaching Lead and Organisational Development Practitioner (I’m gonna need a bigger badge). On Friday night I applied to go back on emergency register. I am now waiting for the email from the NMC telling me I am back on. Last night I knew I had done the right thing. When this virus leaves me I can then get back to work, initially supporting my colleagues on the helpline and as part of the psycho-social support offer. I know that I can go to the wards and work alongside my clinical colleagues when I need to.
I am now on day three of the symptoms and each day it gets worse. The cough seems less evident but I have no energy and it feels like someone has been jumping on my chest. Breathing is hard work, in the respect I have never really noticed my breathing before, but now I am having work a little harder to open up my lungs. When I do cough it is dry, rasping and hurts like hell. This is apparently mild. So if you do not need to go out please stay in. If you get this, boy will you know about it, and if you give this to someone you love who is vulnerable, you will make them very ill and worse still they could die. I look at my family and feel so guilty that they may start getting ill in the next few days.
Yesterday I started with a persistent cough. That persistent cough has now changed into waves of coughing fits and spikes in temperature. So I fluctuate from feeling OK to feeling really unwell, which is irritating to say the least. My chest is killing me due to all the coughing. On top of that watching the news is making me feel guilty and I want to get back to work to support my friends. Saying that it looks like it might be worse soon so I will be busy when I get back and will be immune.
On a positive note I finished my assignment this morning for my exec coaching course, and submitted it a day early, just in case I am too poorly tomorrow. The sun is shining and Holly (my dog in the picture) has been able to get out in the garden so has not been a pain about not going for a walk.
We had a lovely surprise today when a friend dropped off a bag of food for us. The best thing was it had biscuits and bacon in it. What was especially touching was that they did this on their wedding anniversary. They are truly a special couple, and we were really touched by their kindness. I have witnessed some wonderful acts of kindness over the past couple of weeks.
This afternoon I am resting on the sofa reading a book on leadership and thinking about what we can learn about our leadership in the NHS during this crisis. One thing I am noticing is that the staff in our Trust at all levels are doing things that a few weeks ago would have been considered impossible. This pandemic is highlighting that there are some exceptional leaders throughout the Trust. We need to take note of what we have achieved and learn from it.
I have had this annual leave day planned for a while. Well a month or two. As many others I had one day left to take before the end of March.
My assignment is due in for my coaching and mentoring course on Friday so as a last minute Larry I decided to do it today and tomorrow.
Well I woke up this morning with a little tickle in my throat. This was at 5:30 this morning. I got up to let the dog out for a wee, and that was when the coughing started. I was stood in the kitchen coughing, trying to decide if this was it or not, and trying to wake up. The coughing just got worse. At one point I couldn’t stop. Then is subsided, Lisa got up and we had a discussion about me being a worry wort. I said to myself I would give myself another 30 minutes. I desperately did not want to declare it as COVID 19 symptoms and lock Lisa and the boys into the house for 2 weeks. It didn’t stop it kept going. By 7 I had to admit I had the symptoms. I feel well other than the cough, and the headache, painful throat and painful chest. So I rang the telephone line I had manned the day before and condemned myself to 7 days isolation and 14 days for my family.
I felt and feel guilty that they cannot go out. We then let everybody know who needed to. We have some wonderful friends and colleagues who have offered to support us. My boss Lucy is dropping off some essential supplies later.
In between my coughs I have started writing my assignment and have managed to get 2/3rds of it done. I am knackered no so will finish it in the morning. Lisa who is fine at the moment is making the most of the sun and is tidying the back garden. The boys are composing music in between taking the micky out of their Dad.
Hopefully this is as bad as it gets and I can get some work done from home.
Once again I want to thank our wonderful friends and colleagues who have offered to get supplies for us, you are all heroes.
Depending on levels of excitement I may not submit and entry tomorrow for fear of boring the socks off you all. Stay safe stay at home, keep busy and keep you spirits up.
I missed yesterday, I worked a 12 hour shift and just was too tired to write anything when I got in, plus Boris was on the telly when I got in.
Boy a lot has happened since I last wrote an entry. On Sunday after I had finished my entry we raced across to Manchester to pick up my oldest son. His work had finished, and there was no more university. I was pleased and sad to see him at the same time. We were so desperate to have him home and safe, but we felt so desperately sad that he couldn’t continue to live independently, but financially for him it just did not make sense.
I don’t know about you but I had spent the weekend wondering if I had symptoms. Clearly I hadn’t and I was just overthinking everything. This was brought into stark reality yesterday, when I spoke to a number of people over the phone who were clearly showing symptoms of covid-19. On the whole the cough is pretty obvious, the vast majority of them were unable to control their cough and could not get more than two words out before they coughed again. Now I know I don’t have it.
So I have spent 12 hours yesterday and 7 1/2 hours today on the phone to staff, who either have symptoms or have relatives who have symptoms, as well as answering questions of those people who are worried about their loved ones and how they can carry on caring for their patients and the vulnerable people they love. It has been tiring and at times upsetting. Most of all I feel immensely proud to be working in the NHS alongside some incredible people. I hope I am making a difference and helping people to do their jobs caring for our patients. I have learned over recent years to care for myself as well as caring for others. That is one of the reasons for writing this blog. I am also practicing accepting my emotions and letting myself off the hook when I feel frightened. It is important to accept it is normal to be anxious at the moment. These are extraordinary times, and no one really knows what is going to happen next, therefore anxiety is inevitable. This morning I was watching the news eating my breakfast, and I found myself crying, it hit me in a wave of fear. For a moment I wondered how I could possibly be strong enough to go to work. I just let myself cry, I let myself feel scared, it passed after a few minutes and I managed to get my coat on and walk to work. I even managed to take some pictures of my journey.
I got to work and did what I needed to do, just like thousands of other people today.
What I have noticed in myself recently, is that I have become more tolerant during this crisis. I have realised that we are all unsure, we are all experiencing this for the first time, and we are all going to get things wrong at the moment, even though we a trying our best to do the right thing. Rules have changed, or don’t exist and are heads are full of our own worries and concerns. So if things don’t go right at the moment, if some of the government’s guidance and the guidance from managers seems occasionally confusing, please remember we are all doing this for the first time, and we are all scared and want to get it right.
So lets give ourselves and others a break, we will get better at this, so in the meantime be kind.
Back in October I came off the Nursing Register after 30 years. I had changed my role in the NHS to a non-clinical role as a Senior Organisational Development Practitioner and Coaching Lead. I didn’t need to be a Nurse and was certain I would not keep my skills up necessary to maintain my registration. Little did I know. On Thursday and Friday it was dawning on me that the steady stream of Nurses that were ringing up with symptoms or having to isolate because family members had symptoms will eventually turn into a torrent, and some serious re-organising would be required. So as well as the supportive, well being role I can provide, my nursing experience will also be needed. Last night I responded to my email from the NMC (Nursing and Midwifery Council) and applied to go back on the temporary register. Once the emergency legislation is passed in the coming days and a state of emergency is declared in the NHS, I will be placed on the register and will be able to practice as a Registered Nurse.
I am scared and apprehensive, not about being a nurse, to be honest I have not been away from the role long enough to have moved completely away from the identity of a nurse. I am apprehensive about what we all might be facing in the coming weeks, and how resilient I can be. I am comfortable with what I can and cannot do, and I willing to learn new skills or revise old ones. As a younger nurse working in very busy stressful environments I had been in positions where I was at the limit of my competence and capability. That was hard and stressful but it was always possible to ask for help, reconcile and learn from what I had happened. What is different now, and I think there are a lot of staff in healthcare that have this in the back of their minds, is that we all may be putting our own and our loved ones health at risk when we go to work. For some of us this may be theoretical, but I tell you what this is a new one on me. Even writing it down seems overly dramatic, and something you might hear in a Hollywood disaster movie. Then again these are unprecedented times, who knows what we are supposed to think anymore. I have concluded any worry or emotion I am feeling is legitimate. To be honest most of the time I don’t know what to think.
Yesterday was a tough day, mainly because I was not at work. I was left to my own devices. I found myself obsessing with the news and social media, overthinking everything and spending far too much time in future and nowhere near enough in the here and now. I had to steal myself away and do something useful that brought my attention to the future, and distracted me from my fears of the future. To some extent it was successful I did end up spending around 25% of my time yesterday not overly worrying. If it helps this is what I did:
Took the dog for a walk. She is old and slow but she does look cute when she shuffles along. To lift my mood I listened to a funk playlist. Yesterday the weather was lovely so I could take in the beauty of my surroundings with a soundtrack of Sly and the Family Stone
After a fix of social media and covid-19 news I went into the garden to cut the grass, accompanied by some funky baselines. This was the first cut of the year, so was quite a challenge. I sensibly graded the cuts so I did not rip the grass out of the ground (you can tell how desperate I am to normalise, I am actually blogging about cutting my grass).
I started writing an assignment for unit 6 of my coaching and mentoring level 7 course. I could not concentrate though, by this time my head was swimming.
As Jack my youngest was going into work, to clean the pub he works in, he needed his tea early, so I rather ponderously prepared his tea of salt and pepper chicken with the back drop of a Soul playlist. There is nothing better to cook to than a bit of soul music, and it just lifts your spirits.
The evening was spent watching season 1 of Spooks on the BBC iPlayer. I cannot believe it is 18 years old, and although very entertaining has really dated.
You get the gist I tried to keep the day as mundane and normal as possible. It worked for a while and will take more practice. I know we have to acknowledge what is happening, it is also important to keep doing normal stuff, something to quieten your chimp and make you feel comfortable.
I keep telling myself to pace myself, this is going to be long haul, and I don’t want to use up all my nervous energy too soon. After all it is not about winning the game it is all about staying in the game for as long as you can.
Just in case like me you are partial to a bit of funk, here is my playlist to brighten your Sunday.
I was manning the phones on our staff helpline when news came through that all pubs and restaurants would be closing. To be honest we were all expecting it, even wanted it to happen to try to halt the spread of the virus. But when the news came it shocked me, it added to the already surreal situation we are all facing. Both my boys work part-time in Pubs. Jack my youngest lives at home as up until Thursday he was at college doing his ‘A’ Levels. By yesterday evening he was no longer a student and no longer able to work. Ben my oldest is doing a Music Journalism degree in Manchester, and works in a bar to supplement his student loan to pay his bills. As he has a zero hours contract the bar he works in cannot pay him for his cancelled shifts, therefore he will be coming home, and trying to get a job, maybe in a supermarket or at a hospital. Jack will be doing the same.
So that happened in the afternoon, at 11 am I went into work to do a shift on the help-line. When I got to the hospital there was a queue outside the canteen as staff were collecting their free loaves of bread donated to us by a local bakery. Shift workers at the hospital have been finding it difficult to get hold of bread and other items from the shops as every time they managed to get to the shops many of the shelves were empty. This was definitely a morale booster. But I will air a word of caution, it is difficult at the moment, but not anywhere near as hard as it will be in the future, and it is not just us in the NHS who will be sacrificing a lot over the coming months. So my plea is to be generous and kind to everybody that is providing us all a service over the coming months . Look after our businesses large and small, help all the emergency services and healthcare providers by staying at home, as much as you can, and think about what you can do to help yourself, before access hard pushed services.
The bread donation was lovely as was the other free stuff and discounts offered by companies large and small, but it just added to the strangeness of our lives.
The phone lines did not seem to be as busy yesterday, as they had seemed on Thursday. I spent the day listening and talking to confused, scared, frustrated and sometimes sick people. Sometimes I felt like I had done a good job and allayed people’s fears and gave them the space to work out what they need to do, and then sometimes I felt as if I could not help others.
All day I was in the moment and faced what came my way, at some points I felt comfortable and other points I felt challenged, but I just did it. When I got home it hit me like a wall of fear and sadness, some of it mine, some of what I heard over the day, and some if it I imagined people were feeling. I felt overwhelmed, so I sat on my sofa and just let everything wash over me. Thankfully Brene Brown’s podcast Unlocking Us, had just dropped. So I put my headphones on and immersed myself in her warm, comforting voice. She talked about the pandemic and articulated perfectly how it feels and that it is new for all of us, and when we experience newness and uncertainty, it is very difficult, and we can get through by articulating and talking about our emotions. It helped me so much.
When the podcast had finished, I put Let it Be on by The Beatles on spotify and let my emotions wash over me.
Now I chose Let it Be, because my son had sent me a draft of an article he had written reviewing his favourite Beatles album. To be honest that article was a beacon of light in quite a dark day. If I had not read that I would not have thought about listening to the album and then really connecting with the song Let it Be, which is now my soundtrack for this pandemic so thank you so much Ben for helping me connect with my emotions.
So I read on Facebook last night a post encouraging people to keep a diary of their experiences during this extraordinary time. This morning I have been sat here on my computer with the news on feeling a little overwhelmed and emotional, so I thought, why not share my thoughts on here to help me make sense of my emotions and possibly help other people make sense of their emotions.
This week has been the strangest week I have ever experienced. Monday started fairly normally, I was teaching on an introduction to coaching study day. That was the last study I will facilitate for a while now. At lunch time we got the news that all non-essential meetings and training would be cancelled to allow for preparation for the impact COVID-19 will have on our services.
I spent Tuesday closing down all my coaching work and preparing for what I may be doing over the coming months, and Wednesday I was allocated to my new temporary role working on a helpline for staff.
Yesterday the helpline started, I was really nervous about what I would be doing, and working alongside new people. The people were lovely (of course they would be), the work was very similar to coaching in some respects, but in others much more challenging. Knowing when to give advice and when to ask questions and let them come to their own conclusions was quite challenging. The calls we were taking were tier 2 so they were generally more complex than just giving standard advice. It was not really busy, thankfully as we do need time to get skilled at building a rapport and provide useful actionable support in around 7 minutes, all over the phone. It is critical will help staff make the right decision about coming to work or planning for self isolation. As the cases go up in this area the busier we are going to be to steer them in the right direction.
Alongside of this schools and colleges close today. Jack my youngest was due to sit his A levels and complete his B-Tec in Music Production. This is not going to happen now. As he has been doing mock exams, his last lesson was last Tuesday. He was in on Wednesday, but that was it. He no longer goes to college. That feels so strange, in fact I got quite emotional about it this morning. It has brought forward my son becoming an adult. I wasn’t ready for this. I know it sounds silly but it has brought it into focus, that our life has changed for ever now.
Ben my eldest is in Manchester at BIMM, they broke up last week, and he has stayed in Manchester to work in a bar. Now that is uncertain, he has shifts for now. I am having to steal myself from being an over protective Dad and let him live his life. Deep down I want him home with us, but I also want him to continue to be independent and continue to do what he does. So Ben if you are reading this, you do want you know to be best for you.
As you know Mum my has lung cancer. She is now self isolating and is doing as she is told. I speak to her everyday, and she is well, but worried, and fed up with being stuck at home.
My niece Katie was due to be Married at the beginning of April, now that has been postponed until the autumn. It was supposed to be her Hen do last night and Lisa was due to go. That did not happen, it is so sad. I was really looking forward to seeing all of my family at the wedding, now I will have to wait until September. We have a plan though and e can all look forward to a lovely celebration in the Autumn, with an extra bridesmaid (Katie is pregnant and is expecting a little girl).
Stay strong everybody, keep an eye on why you do what you do. Make plans, and be creative.
There is plenty of research that shows caring for others actually restores us and improves our own sense of well-being.
We are a social species, therefore concern and care for the well-being of others is a biological need and necessity.
If you are worried and anxious, one strategy for alleviating this is connecting with people, othering support, either practical or a listening ear.
The sense of all being in it together is very reassuring. We saw this weekend communities in Italy pulling together singing songs to support and reassure each other.
Playing your part in your community will, I guarantee help your mental health and well-being. It does not have to be a big gesture. Buying just what you need, offering to shop for an elderly relative or neighbour, not going to work if you can work from home, suggest staff do the same, or even just picking up the phone and texting or chatting to with someone.
Being kind, and paying attention to those around you, will pay dividends for the community and yourself.
So please be kind look after others to look after yourself.
Practice social distancing, including working from home if you can
Only buy what you need
Offer to shop for others
Make regular contact over the phone or Internet with friends and family
Easier said than done at the moment for many people. It seems that where ever you turn Covid-19 is front and centre.
Every news item has a coronavirus element, social media is awash with advice and memes. Some of them are useful others are just designed to misinform and spread panic. On top of this, coronavirus dominates our thoughts, so if it dominates our thoughts we will see it at every turn.
Remember many of my previous blogs that mention Prof Steve Peters’ ‘Chimp Paradox’. Well you can see what is happening here. We are being put under threat, so our limbic system (chimp) is active and is especially active when we are exposed to social media, and the news in particular. Our limbic systems though want to do something about this threat, and it wants to do something now. This is why we are seeing some strange behaviour from some people, such as panic buying, over thinking symptoms we may have, and just being very anxious, about the effects it may have on us. Some of us will consider the threat is not imminent and assume everyone is overreacting and there really is nothing to worry about. Hopefully our limbic systems are creating a sense of cleanliness and we all start washing our hands more frequently than we do at the moment
Now a lot of these behaviours are not very helpful, apart from handwashing and social distancing. If we are exposed to these potential threats continuously, our levels of anxiety are going to up and up and have a detrimental effect on our mental health, and our resilience. Now we cannot ignore what is happening or down play it, but we have to maintain a balance and look after our mental health.
Remember my post on resilience (https://mattycoach71.com/2020/03/04/maintaining-resilience-in-the-face-of-corona-virus/) from the other week? The first thing to do is to bring yourself into the present and to stop imagining your future. Using some mindfulness techniques will bring you into the hear and now and set you free from your unhelpful thoughts. One of the easiest techniques is to count your breaths. Count in cycles of 10. When you notice your mind wandering, restart your counting from 1 again. Don’t worry if you struggle to get to 10 just keep starting again. Each time you do this, you will set yourself free of those thoughts, and quietens your mind. Give yourself a break from the news and social media. Do something you enjoy, read a book, listen to some music, get some exercise.
If you find yourself getting acutely anxious there are a couple of techniques to use. If you are at home it is important to get your heart rate up, so if you can, do some exercise, it helps you get into the present and convinces your limbic system that you have responded to a threat and released that adrenaline. Another is to practice square breathing. Breath in for a count of 4, hold your breath for a count of 4, breath out for a count of 4, and hold for a count of 4, and repeat for at least 4 cycles. This is a technique used by American Special Forces to calm them before kicking doors in and the such.
So keep you yourself present, remember you are still alive and need to live your life and get stuff done. Remind yourself of your purpose, the reason why you do what you do. Keep that in your mind, whether that is for some altruistic reason, or just to provide a better life for your family. This situation could be ongoing for a few months, so you will need to check your motivation over the coming months. Being in touch with your purpose is essential not just for now but for any event in your life.
Be creative, look at different ways of working, like working from home, using the internet to conduct business. do some batch cooking and fill up your freezer, adjust your budgets and spending, look at what is essential, what is important and what is a nice to have. Become a problem solver, rather than an issue seeker.
To sum up. Accept that it is hard, and that your emotions are effected, keep yourself in the present, remind yourself of your purpose, and start thinking out of the box.
Above all DON’T PANIC!!! It might be bad, but having a room full of toilet rolls, dried pasta and hand sanitiser is not going to make it any better.
Connected Coaching 